My fiancee always dictates the way I should act in front of his family?

Question

I have been feeling for 6 years now that my fiance's family completely hates everyone's significant other..they always say and talk a lot of sh*t about each others' wives behind their back, so naturally I suspect they do the same of me.
My fiance always hated me for thinking that, and he would get angry and deny it..but last night I finally found out VERY clearly that I was right..his brother told me that everyone hates all the wives and no matter what I do I just need to ignore it..
How can I have a child with him and know that they will always be like that.. It hurts too much, I have been crying all night..I don't know what to do-- we've been together for so long, and I love him.. but I am confused.

My fiancee always dictates the way I should act in front of his family because he wants me to be perfect in their eyes..but the truth is they will always find something bad to say and I know this now..this is completely devastating..

Any sound advice from anyone who has been here??

Answer 1

all I can say if that's what he's like now, it will only get worse once you marry. He won't just be telling you how to act in front of his parents, but telling you how to act all the time...he will be controlling you. you'll need to talk to him about it. You need to be yourself, not the person someone else wants you to be.

Answer 2

Been there, done that. The best way to handle it is to have as little contact with them as possible. Families like this usually live in each others pocket. You need to start yuor married life as a couple, not an apendage to a big nasty family.
So limit your visits and learn to ride over what they say. It is hard and you have to grow a thick skin, but try to ignore what they say. Always be pleasant when you see them, and pretend they cant hurt you. Even if you are smarting inside, smile, smile, smile.
Eventually when they realise their nastiness is not hurting you, they will move on and pick on someone else again. Always be careful not to join in if they are bagging someone else in the family. Because it will have a way of getting back to them.
Try and stick together with the other significant others....you have something in common after all.

Answer 3

It's understandable why you'd be hurt. Of course you want to be loved, respected and accepted into your fiancee's family. What's really odd about the way your fiancee handles this situation is that he tries to get you to change -- as if you are the problem. When, in fact, it's his family and your fiancee's tolerance of their poor behavior. It doesn't really matter whether you're perfect, they're going to hate you anyway -- just because you are a wife. Changing your behavior really isn't going to change anything as it hasn't for the past six years right?

The real test of your relationship is if your fiancee stands up for you when his family badmouths you. Or if he joins in on the action and talks crap too. It's important to make it very clear to your future husband that when his family talks that way about you behind your back that he does NOT stand for it. There is nothing that justifies it. He may need to get up and leave when they do it or minimize his contact with them IF they continue to disrespect you. If they can control themselves then great, everyone's happy.

When you become his wife, you become his family. He has to show that can make that transition by not tolerating his family's disrespect of you. If he can show that to you then you're lucky because you've got a man who truly loves you. If not... you have a much more difficult situation on your hands especially if the choice comes down between your self-respect versus settling for a man who doesn't love you as he should. Caring about a person and being in a long-term relationship does not mean that he/she is right for you or that you should get married.

So, good luck with this one....

Answer 4

I thought you were marrying the man & not the family?
Unless you live right next to them you'll have to put up with the little annoyances from time to time bur I doubt my wife would ever side with the family over ourselves as a couple.
If you feel this strong about how negative things have become be thankful your still a fiancée and not wife or mother.
You seem to need a bit of courage to help you make your break so I'll say that if you stay and know you'll be miserable who decided for you?
The first step is always the worst

Answer 5

That sounds like one for Dear Abby. I wish I could give some helpful advice, but I don't know what to tell you. Sounds like a horrible situation. I think you and your fiancee need to sit down and talk it out. Tell him how much it hurts you, and if you feel like he's ashamed of you where his family's concerned, tell him that, too. Since that's the way his family is, no matter how you act, they're still going to find fault with you. Your fiancee needs to take your side in this and stand up for you. If my family always said nasty things about someone so dear to me, I wouldn't stand for it. Perhaps a counselor could help the two of you figure this out together. But it might just mean distancing yourself from them. Good luck. I hope it will work out for you.

Answer 6

Gosh, I have consulted with many couples with some of the same problems. I strongly advise you to take a few steps back and really look at the problem. You are a complete person, able to stand on her own, make her own choices, act as the person you ARE. Anyone who wishes to find imperfection will! Your fiancee in my opinion is wrong, if he does this now, with in the circle of his family.....this can and will mushroom into other parts of your life. Please seek consulting, he needs help, to change on your own is almost impossible. Be strong, and look deeply into your doubts. They are there for a reason. Best wishes, Chaplain Debby

Answer 7

Your choices:

-Be THAT "superwoman" and give them little ammo to hold against you. Volunteer with the homeless. Give to medical reseach and charity. Fundraise. Advance in your career or excell in school. Manners should be your middle name.Join as many associations and sports teams as you can. Take cooking classes at the local Rec. centre and cook them a fabulous meal. Do better than their own son, and make note to point out your accomplishments. Anyone who shoots down the above positive things will only look jealous and foolish.

Perhaps they really just want what's best for their son and are scared of "losing" him to an "outside" woman. Showing that you love their son and are a good catch may or may not help, but it can't hurt to try. They will come around or not.

-Try giving them a taste of their own medicine. Indirectly bad mouth THEM without really doing it. If you know they love to spend money at the local country club and eating out, say something like this:

"Wow, I was talking to my friend Kate today, and she said that she just bought $400 earrings. I just can't *believe* that someone would spend so much money on themselves and frivilous things like that when there are children dying because all they have to eat is a half of a rotten apple out of a garbage can. Can you imagine? The ignorance of some people!".

-You could just accept that this is his family, and do not expect them to change.

-You could directly ask him to talk to his family and/or mention it to his mother point blank when you hear someone say something mean or inappropriate. Call it out. There's nothing wrong with saying that you were raised not to gossip and that you actually LIKE brother John's wife, etc.

-Ask yourself if he's worth the trouble, and if you are prepared for things to never change. If not, your choice is pretty clear. If you will not see them often, and don't care if you're close with your fiance's family, not a problem. But what if you do? Or they say something "bad about mommy" in front of your future kids?

Best of luck and do some soul searching!

P.S. Your fiance should be backing YOU up on this. He is supposed to be leaving his family to start a new family with you. If he can't do this, he should not be your husband. That doesn't mean he should ignore his family, it means he is to be supporting the best interest of his future wife.

Answer 8

I just can't imagine wanting to become a part of a family who didn't embrace me warmly. Look, if you've been dating six years, that's a very long time... and if they aren't close to you now, it doesn't sound good.
And if your man is bossing you now, what will come once you are married? He's wanting to present you differently than you actually are, and that's not a good sign... You need to have a most serious talk with him.

Answer 9

me: My inlaws hate me and have since almost the first day i met them , because i had more money then they did and they got jealous and made issues about me to keith every day and she even presented keith with a box of love letters from keiths old girlfriend a week before the wedding, i am who i am and i wont cow tow to no one. tell your boyfriend what u found out and tell him u will not be fake for his family or yours either. if u dont u will end up with no relationship with any of them and if they still trash everyone around them then stay away from them at all costs. we do and we are happy with that...

Answer 10

"Everyone hates all the wives." is not a
true hatred,.... it's a family custom.
His brother was just telling you that it
doesn't really matter.
That's just the way they deal with the
frustrations of marriage. Trash talk.
Don't take it seriously.