My boyfriend of five years lives on the same road as all of his family (parents and siblings), and they are all next door to each other. For the most part, I live with him except when I've had enough and I'll go stay at my parents' house. The problem is that any time we are out in his yard or better yet just anytime his family just shows up without a call or anything. I feel selfish because this bugs me, and it doesn't bother him at all. We have actually broke up a few times over this issue. My family would never just show up like that unannounced, but his does. I hate going to the door or going out into the yard becasue of them. I know this sounds so terrible of me, but I feel like I am going to explode. It is got to the point with his brother that he is coming over every day. I can't talk to my boyfriend about it because he gets to defensive and will not talk to me, which he probably has the right to...it is his family. Anyone going through something similar or have advice?
2007-08-28 16:49:47 · 10 answers · asked by stardust 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I do not believe you are being selfish. Every one deserves privacy. I do not understand why your b/f does not understand this. I would do the following, but before that let your b/f know what you intend to do.
My advice to you is to speak to the family members that do come over unannounced all the time, and explain to them that you really do enjoy their company. However you would like them to call before they come over as it is not always a convenient time when they do visit.
If they do not comply, then when they do come tell them nicely but firmly that it is not convenient at this time. You should do this without opening the door all the way, just open it a few inches, and then close the door. If you do this several times, they will eventually comply to your wishes.
Good luck,
Edit: If your b/f does not go along with it then it is time to stop playing the "revolving door" game with him. Advise him that the next time you leave, and close the door you will not come back and open it. But you should let him know you are serious. If you do come back then you have no right to complain anymore. You are your own worst enemy.
Again, good luck.
2007-08-28 17:12:40 · answer #1 · answered by michelebaruch 6 · 2⤊ 2⤋
The short answer to the main part of your question, in my opinion, is yes it really does sound terrible of you. However, I am a guy and that will probably disqualify me or, at least, ruin my credibility when you are weighing up the answers that you get.
I honestly don't want to come across as unkind but you give the impression of being something of a control freak. Maybe you were an only child, or maybe you are so insecure or jealous and cannot live with the idea of his attention being elsewhere or divided.
I could cut you some slack if the accomodation was a joint property and his family were intruding there, or if it was his worthless friends which were bothering you. I think that you have a decision and that is either to discuss moving with him into a joint property and set some ground rules, or move on.
I really sympathise with your boyfriend because it is unfair to lay your insecurities or irrationalities on him. I believe that you have put this guy under unwarrented pressure and even if he was to wave a magic wand, alienate his family and move, with you, to a new location, you would find something else to annoy you.
I think you should ideally seek therapy to uncover why you feel the way you do before you ruin his life and alienate everybody.
2007-08-29 01:12:52 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 4⤋
I think your boyfriend is being selfish but not considering you and your wishes to have some time together. There is such a thing as boundaries, and he refuses to acknowledge this. This could be a real problem in the future, you're certainly aware of this.
You could tell him that you are not rejecting his family by any means - because you aren't - but that you feel that they are too present in your life together and you need them to allow you time with him. You could say that you'd like to set aside time for him and only him, and that the family may not come over at this time.
If this doesn't work, I don't know ... I couldn't be with someone like that. I don't think you're being selfish at all. He is.
2007-08-29 07:22:29 · answer #3 · answered by Orla C 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If it bothers you so much, hit the road. You did say that it is his house didn't you? He is a BOYFRIEND you are not married. You haven't made a life long commitment. That is what dating is supposed to be for, to see if this person is marriage material for you or if there is a deal breaker lurking somewhere. This sounds like a deal breaker for you. There is no shame in that. Not every one is cut out for an Everybody Loves Raymond life. Just remember that he is your boyfriend not your husband, people today seem to forget that. Boyfriends and Girlfriends are expendable. Maybe the next one will be a better fit.
2007-08-29 00:07:36 · answer #4 · answered by og0925go 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
It would really bug me as well if his family were popping in all the time ,you have no privacy.
But at the end of the day its your boyfriends house, not both of yours so really you have no say in who visits.
All I can suggest you do is speak to your bf and suggest he talks to his family about it. Even see if they can restrict their visits to 1 or 2 days per week or even agree 1 or 2 set days a week when they dont visit?
Good luck and I hope it works out for you x
2007-08-29 10:04:20 · answer #5 · answered by Lynn P 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I had a similar issue with my first husband...that is not why we got divorced...we lived in the same building as his parents and they would just come over. There is not much you can do. One day, they might be your in laws. When and if you get married, that is your chance to move to another part of town with him. That solves the problem. Until then, just hang in there.
2007-08-28 23:57:00 · answer #6 · answered by Lee B 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
stay at your parents to 2-3 days and see what he does and will realise that he might need you more than them with him.
If my brother did that to be honest I would just tell him to wait and then maybe all of us go out.
=)
Good Luck
2007-08-29 05:12:30 · answer #7 · answered by DaisysMumma13 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
wow.. find yourself a new boyfriend, and let a woman who would appreciate a man with a good family who's close, have him
2007-08-28 23:55:02 · answer #8 · answered by Lupita 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Yes You Are !! Wait till you have kids,my god you have a ready made support network on your doorstep,advice,babysitters,Think positive !
2007-08-29 06:08:52 · answer #9 · answered by EdinItalia 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
wow this would annoy the hell out of me.
be straight forward. if not. its going to happen everday FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
2007-08-29 00:24:02 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋