Does my daughter have a right to disrespect me?

Question

My daughter is 15 and was living with her father up until a few weeks ago. He had custody of her since she was 10.

She is now forced to stay with me because he moved due to job reasons and does not want her to stay with him in an apartment alone since he works late.

She leaves me notes that "I suck at making decisions a lot." and keeps telling me that "I ran away for 5 years" so she has a right to talk to me how she wants.

Does she have a point?

Answer 1

I do not know the reason why she lived with her father for 5 years but she has no right to disrespect you, no more then she would have the right to disrespect her father if she had lived with you for 5 years.

I hope you and your ex-husband are in good terms, If I were you (and I did this with my daughter when she was a teenager) I would have a family meeting, mom-daddy-daughter, and go over the rules. Her father needs to come in and to object to her behavior. Even if you're not together anymore you are her parents together and the message will be more powerful if you keep a common front.....we did it and It worked for us.

Answer 2

I guess she is feeling resentful towards you for not being there for her when she was younger. She has been living with her Dad since 10. I guess those are the ages when a child starts to grow up and need their parents love the most.

There are just some things that only a mother could do or understand how she feels. Maybe she wasn't able to tell her father about some problems and wanted to turn to you, but you weren't there. I'm not saying that you don't love your daughter, cause I'm sure you do. Or else why would you be here asking this question?

For now, I think the best is just try to sit down and really talk with her. Explain the situation to her. She was just a ten-year-old when you left. She might not understand the real reason.

Good luck there. Hope you two can work it out :)

Answer 3

Does she have a "right" to disrespect you, of course not. But let's be serious here, she's a 15 year old girl, she feels like you deserted her when she was 10, and now her father has just said he doesn't want her. She probably feels like you're just "stuck" with her. She's in PAIN. She's going to lash out.

Please, consider family therapy - she is going to have all sorts of trust issues right now, and ignoring it and hoping it will all go away rarely works. She needs to find healthy ways to express her anger and pain so she doesn't take it all out on you or, perhaps worse, on herself.

She's probably nearly impossible to live with right now, but please do your best to be rational and calm in the face of her storms. That doesn't mean you sit there and let her be a brat, but you need to respond calmly or she will have "won" in her mind - you'll have lost control, she'll have her "proof" that you really don't care, you're pushing her away again.

Is there a way she can still spend some time with her father, if she's not already, even if she can't live with him? That will give you a little break, give her a chance to maintain a relationship and feel less like she's been deserted by him, and help him remain close. Hopefully the two of you can communicate about what's going on so you can present a united front.

Good luck - I'm not suggesting any of this is easy, but please try to remind your daughter that you do love her, you made the decision you felt was best for her at the time (I don't care if that's not what happened - you TELL her that), and you're so glad you have another opportunity to have her so closely in your life again.

Answer 4

She has a point.
And she's a teenager.
Teenagers are usually like that anyway,but she has a point,and a reason to argue it, and she will. Because she's mad. And you can't change that. Just try to live with it,but keep it under control as far as respect. You should still be respected as you are the parent in the situation.
Keep the situation simple and under control. But don't get aggrivated with her, she has every right to be this way.
Everything will calm down as time goes on. But it won't go away,,she will always bring it up when she is mad, or anything like that.
Best of luck. That's all I can really say,considering Im actually younger than your daughter herself,so I guess you could completely ignore my answer,but I think just as maturely and logically as many other people here,and this is my opionion,and I hope it helps.

Answer 5

At no point does your child has the right to disrespect you, yet if you were not in her life for 5 years then she is rebelling. I don't know the reason(s) for why you lost her for 5 years and if it has anything to do with something bad on your part then it could be that you are reaping what you have sown. You have to spend time with her, pray daily, and let her know that although you haven't been there for 5 years you are still her mother and will not tolerate her being disrespectful to you regardless of what happened because no one is perfect and if she does something wrong and expects someone to forgive her she can just forget about it. Good Luck and I am sorry that you are facing this.

Answer 6

i think a better question is why did you leave for 5 years from her life? she's 15 years old, emotionally unstable(as are ALL women and men at this age) you should continually try to talk with her about the issue and she will inevitably give you a chance. my parents got divorced when i was 6, i had a hard time respecting my mom(who upped and moved 1500 miles north) after all that time...but in the end things should work out if BOTH of you are willing to compromise and mutually respect eachother.

Answer 7

There is NO POINT- it definitely is called DISRESPECT and You need to nip this little bud. It does NOT matter what went on before its what happens from this point forward. The rude comments will cease to exist as will the notes. For every action there is a reaction and perhaps you need to point this out to your child. This is a game for her ( learned well by a teacher- her dad) to get her own Way- what ever it may be. So, better lay down some rules- right NOW so you both can get on with an easy life together.

Answer 8

No, she does not have the right to disrespect you. Regardless of the reason she had to live with her father, you are still her mother, and for that reason alone deserve respect. She is still young, and unfortunately, young people often put their own spin on things. I am sure if the situation had been reversed, and she now had to live with her father, she would be saying the same things about him. Perhaps your ex husband has led her to believe that you did indeed, "run away" for 5 years, and this is why she think this. She does have the right to tell you ( politely) how she feels about what has happened in the past, so that you can explain the situation to her, and explain why you decided to allow her to live with her father and not with you. I would sit her down, and tell her how I also, had been hurting without her for the past 5 years. I am sure not having her with you could not have been easy for you. Try to do this without bad mouthing her father, as I am sure she is now feeling much closer to him. It is rather strange how, regardless of any normal teenage related problems they might have been having, once they are apart, everything is forgotten, and the absent parent suddenly becomes so wonderful! I am sure the adjustment to living with you, going to a new school, abiding by your rules etc, is going to be difficult for her, and also for you. Living with a teenage girl is not easy in the best of circumstances, and they will try to manipulate you as much as they can, so I think you are in for a rocky road, but hang in there. If you reassure her that you have always loved her, and want the best for her, things will settle down. Do not allow her to continue to disrespect her , as this is certainly not going to help the situation get any better. She needs to realise that YOU are the adult in this relationship, and that if she treats you with respect, she will be treated with the same respect.

Answer 9

At 15 she is trying to get control over anything and everything, and usually through manipulation. Telling you that you abandoned her is another manipulation.
I'm betting her dad probably let her run the streets and she is missing that freedom.

No, your daughter does NOT have any right to disrespect you. It is up to you, however, to establish some rules of conduct... hours, chores and boundaries.

I would suggest getting both of you to a family counselor... she can vent all her undealt-with anger in a safe way with a professional referee, then the counselor can guide you two towards a more harmonious relationship.

You really want to do this soon because she is plenty old enough to act out in all sorts of ways. You don't want her engaging in dangerous activities. You don't want to have to bail her out of jail or ID her on the coroners' slab.

Answer 10

She does have a point, but that's not the real issue in your household. You are an adult, she's almost but not quite, and you need to ignore her insults and set some rules down for her.

Tell her that you want the best for her in life and you are here both as her mother and hopefully as a friend to help her get there.

If she needs to get out a lot of anger and resentment, let her do it, just listen, you can even say you are sorry for not being there for her.