How to deal with my meddling mother at my wedding?

Question

My partner and I are getting married in 4 weeks time. We were going to elope but decided to have a small private wedding with our best friends and parents. However my mother wished me to have an all out traditional wedding which is totally opposite to what we want. Ive repeatedly asked my mother to not tell people the ceremony location as we want it to be private and romantic. However she keeps telling her SOCIALITE friends. Ive even sat her down and said Please do not tell people where we will be as I dont want uninvited onlookers as we both dont like being the centre of attention as it is. We also asked her to respect our wishes (Im 32) and to just sit back and enjoy. Sadly every member of my family knows the location and my mother even told me who was going for a look after we repeatedly said not to. All I can see is an impending arguement on the day. I think shes embarassed we decided to have a wedding this way and not to her STANDARD. How do we get it across without heartache?

Answer 1

Elope and let them have their party without you.
They can all take their gifts back home with them.

Answer 2

Hi and congratulations! This is hard. Moms can be difficult!
You said twice in your question about "onlookers" and people "going for a look". I take it from those remarks that this is an outdoor ceremony - perhaps at a public beach or a park? It's really hard to keep people away from those sites, especially since your mom told everyone! Is there any way to change it to another location somewhere (I know it's short notice), and then have a "surprise" wedding? I have seen this done on TV. Such as ......"Ok mom, xxx will be picking you and dad up for the wedding at [time]...please be ready" Then have someone (or a cab) actually DRIVE your parents to the location. Keep it secret so no one else can get wise to it. That is the only thing I can think of. You and your partner need to take control of the situation immediately so that you can have the wedding YOU desire - not your mom. Good luck!

Answer 3

I prefer the direct approach and have the kind of relationship with my Mom that permits us to be completely open about our feelings. So, if it were me, I would ask her why she is deliberately trying to sabotage your special day. She may not see it as sabotage, and this would give you the opportunity to explain why you do feel that way.

If you prefer to take the more "pc" route, you and your partner could sit down with her and repeat, one more time, why it is so important to the two of you to have a small, private ceremony. Give her specifics like you've done here - don't like to be the centers of attention, smaller is more romantic, etc. You may also want to point out the consequences of her behavior, such as reminding her of the embarassment to you, her, and her socialite friends when they are turned away from the ceremony and/or reception due to lack of space, seating, dining arrangements, etc.

You might also want to consider that she may not have been able to have the wedding she wanted for herself, and this may be her way of looking for an opportunity to become more involved in the preparations and/or to make the celebration special for you so that you won't have any regrets about the day. Give her a job to do.

If she insists on trying to usurp control over your special day, you may need to practice some tough love. This is YOUR wedding, not hers, and at 32 years of age, you have more than earned the right to do it in your own time and fashion. Tell her the ultimate consequence for her insensitivity and disrespect will be for you and your partner to elope, which would exclude her from the festivities.

Caveat: If she is paying for any part of this wedding, she has the right to have some say in it. Your wishes should still be respected, but you can't completely disregard her opinion if she's spending her money.

Answer 4

Is there anyway you can change the day or place of the wedding? Perhaps you can do the wedding a day early and only tell you mother that morning or change the place and, again, inform her of the new venue just before you all leave for the wedding? Or do a double reverse with her and "accidently" let it slip that you've changed the day or venue - but then actually continue with your original plan?

I'm so sorry to hear that your mother doesn't respect you enough to abide by your wishes on this very special day for you and your fiance.

Is there anyone in your family that your mother listens to who could intervene for you? Although, it sounds like the damage has already been done...

Good luck and best wishes for a private and romantic wedding!

Answer 5

Ask some family members to ensure that only those on the guest list are allowed at the site to see your ceremony/reception, ensuring meddling mom's friends are NOT allowed in.

I'm sorry to hear your mom is being a ... momzilla.

Or, 'cancel' the wedding. Like someone said, have a vehicle at the original site take people to another location where you will be married.

Or, have everyone get together at your place that you invited to the wedding, and then surprise them by having the officiant there to marry both of you!

Answer 6

Is it possible to relocate? If it is, I would agree that this is the best alternative and to not include your mother in any new detail until very close to the ceremony time. If she can ride in a limo it might be better because she sounds like the type to immediately get on the horn and tell people of the change, so if she is being provided with transportation you dont have to tell her at all, the limo driver will just take her to the appointed place.

Good luck. I'm sure that this is the last thing you need right now. Hugs to you.

Answer 7

It sounds like it is too late, if she has already told that many people you may end up having some show up.

What you should do is speak to whoever is in charge of the location that you are having the ceremony at. Give them a list of who was invited and have someone check the list as guests arrive. Those who are not on the list need to be asked to leave. End of story.

I would also let you mother know this is what you are going to do, maybe she will let people know that only invited guests will be allowed at the ceremony.

If you are being married at a venue where this is not possible, you may need to grin and bear it. Remember those people are only showing up to wish you well and share in your happy day. It's nothing to be mad about, so try not to let it bother you. Smile and enjoy your day.

I hope it works out!

Answer 8

CANCEL the wedding, at least for now. If you and your partner cannot have the perfect day, Cancel it just for now....

Tell Mum "I love you Mum but this isn't what we want, the wedding is cancelled for now, and we are now going to elope as first planned as this what we DIDN'T want to happen and now it has".

I don't have a Mum and even if I did I would feel the same as you, this is your day and you can almost guarantee with weddings and funerals these kinds of things happen particularly with the Mums. It's your day not Mums and you have to spill your heart out to her. Cripes imagine if this happened on her wedding day!

She won't like it, but she has no choice... It's very sweet but very gutting all at the same time... I wish you an amazing day which ever way you decide to go ...... Best Wishes ^i^

Answer 9

Your mother is a meddler. Don't expect it to get any better with age. She will figure out ways of hijacking other events.

If it is at a closed location where you can limit traffic, what you can do is issue a special card to your select group of friends/family and tell them that because of this added publicity, that nobody gets into the location without this card.

If that won't work, you will either have to deal with the additional crowd or call the whole thing off and reschedule/relocate, only keep your mom out of the loop so she can't publicize it. If you can get your dad involved, he can take her to the new place at the appointed time.

Answer 10

Hire a security person to be at the door of the wedding. If univited onlookers come, the security can explain it is a private event, and turn them away...

or you can do an Usher cancel the wedding then get married at an undisclosed location lol

or you may have to pull out the big guns...tell her if she doesn't stop interfering she is UNIVITED! That will get her attention... any heartbreak will be the heartbreak she brought on herself.

Answer 11

It's your wedding, not your mother's. Go ahead and elope as originally planned. If you start your marriage by giving in to your mother, you will always be giving in. Let her know from the beginning where you stand. Hopefully, she will learn and you will only have to hurt her once.