Birth mother contacting my daughter without our knowledge, emails, phone, and in person meetings. HELP!?

Question

I have raised my daughter since the age of 4 when I met my husband, I officially adopted her at age 8, her birth mother has had no contact with her since she was 5. Last year her birth mother showed up at her school. Recently I found out that they have been communicating via my space, texting, phone calls and have met several times in person all without mine or my husbands knowledge. Normally at this age (my daughter will be 16 in 3 weeks) I would think that it would be okay to have some supervised initial contact with a birth parent if everyone involved agrees, the law does however state that birth parents may NOT contact an adopted child and vice versa until the child is 21. That being said my daughter's birth mother has a long history of mental illness, she has made attempts on her own life, my husbands and has made numerous threats on my life. I'm sick with fear of this woman and her unstable nature. How can I convince a 15 year old to end contact until she is more equipped?

Answer 1

No one has suggested the possibility that it might have been the 16-year-old who instigated the contact. She would probably deny it if asked. Most teenagers would.

Clearly, she feels the need to have contact with her first mother. This is not unreasonable. Working with her to help her understand how to get her needs met without subterfuge is the best solution. If you are loving and compassionate parents to her, she won't feel the need to sneak behind your back to get answers.

Answer 2

I am very sorry that you are going through this. Your daughter has a right to know her birth mother, I totally agree with that, however, the way she is communicating behind your back is wrong. I would confront your daughter about this, and make key points that you wouldn't mind if she has contact with her birth mother, but visits must be supervised, and calls must be made to your home rather than cell phone. Myspace, well, you can set her profile to private, and make sure that her mother is deleted off the friends list. You must make it known to her birth mother that she is going against state law by contacting her minor daughter, and that if it continues without your knowledge, that immediate action will be taken. If she has a long issue with mental health, then its not very safe for your daughter to be around her, and something must be done immediately.
The best thing you could do for your daughter and this woman is to get some sort of court involved, or child services, like a social worker.

Answer 3

Well, I completely understand your point of view in that you want to protect your daughter. That's very understandable. She may not have went about it in the right or even legal way, but your daughter seems receptive to it and it sounds like she wants to be in contact with her birth mother. Talk to your daughter and ask her how she feels about it. If she wants to have contact with the woman, I really don't see a problem with it. But, as her mother and legal guardian, you can set limitations and rules like that she can only see her in person when you know about it and whatever your terms are, etc. Your daughter probably has so many questions about it all and I don't see any reason to keep her in a box. This relationship is between her and the birth mother, but like with any of her friends, you still have a say.

Answer 4

I think the only real solution is for you, your husband or a trusted third party to be present at all times when she is around her birth mother. If she as unstable as she sounds then I would be scared too. It's a confusing situation for your daughter too, I'm sure. Even if she doesn't understand now why you feel the need to protect her, she might understand some day. I'm sorry you're all going through this.

Answer 5

Wow. That is so scary!

Time for a family meeting. Sit down with your husband and your daughter and explain that this is not a good thing for her to be doing. Be open and honest with her, but in a caring and respectful way toward her birth mother.

I would also contact the police and see if you can get a restraining order or something.

If neither of these things work then you will need to ask your daughter to allow you or your husband to be present when she sees her birthmother.

What a difficult situation. Good luck.

Answer 6

Wow, tough one! I would not encourage the relationship by any means, but I would not discourage it either. Let's face it....it is her birth mom and now that she is 16 she can make the decision. HOWEVER, I would let her know what makes you uncomfortable and why. Remind her that you are just concerned about her well-being. Perhaps putting limitations on the visits. They need to be supervised until you are comfortable with them being unsupervised.... Her birth mom needs to call you prior to any contact. Can you talk to the birtmom too?? maybe all of you sit down together and work this out???? Just suggestions, obviously I don't know the whole story...Good luck

Answer 7

Your daughter like All children who are adopted have a need to know who there birth parents are and where they came from. Please do not take this the wrong way. Giving birth does not make you a mother. Her birth mother can not replace the woman who raised her. I would talk to her and let her know that you are not upset and keep the lines on communication open. She may have not told you as she was afraid of how you would take it. I would let her know you want to know what is going on and you will let her have contact if that is what she wants. That you are in her corner as this woman will again disappoint her and you will be there to pick up the pieces

Answer 8

Sit down with your daughter and discuss with her the birth mother's history of mental illness and your concerns. Mental illness is often inherited, so this is possibly in her future as well. She's 16-she's not stupid. Make limits, but try ones that she agrees with first based on the facts. She is more likely to follow those than your dictating terms.

Answer 9

explain to her if you have to sneak around to do something it probably isnt the right thing to do. im sure deep down she knows this, because she has taken the time to cover her tracks. teen years are so crappy in general, but add the whole aspect of being adopted, well, sometimes it makes it hard to think with your head. she probably thinks (with some help from her birthmother) you and your husband took her away. and things at this age are so confusing already.

i would sit her down and explain to her why you are so concerned. you dont need to bash her birthmother, but tell her there has been suicide attempts and physical harm to your husband. and the threats she made to you. let her know what the law says to and make it clear what they are doing is illegal. then tell her you are willing to allow visits but only if you are present. you dont need to be in on the whole conversation, just nearby so if something goes wrong you are there. make sure she understands you are not trying to keep her from her, but you have to be cautious. her birthmother may be a different person now, what you know of her leads you to be wary of alone time.
good luck, from an adoptee point of view, it will get better. teen years suck, being 'different' just makes them all the harder.

Answer 10

Wow - you are walking a fine line here with your daughter. Aren't the teenage years fun?!!

Threats to harm you and your husband are not acceptable and need to be reported to the police and your daughter's school. The school needs to understand how serious the situation is with your daughter's first mother and that you need to be notified if she shows up at school. She has no business there.

I think that you and your daughter should see a counselor who she can trust and have the counselor negotiate a contact agreement that will satisfy her need to communicate with her first mother but will assure your family's safety and your peace of mind. The counselor will also be able to help you understand why your daughter needs to have contact with her first mother.

Good luck!