My grandma disapproves of my interracial marriage?

Question

I'm pakistani, husband is indian (not a huge interracial mixture there!). My only living grandparent talks to me but has never uttered a word to my husband. In fact, when he enters the room, she won't even look at him. She puts down his race all the time (not in front of him). I am having my 1st child in a few weeks and I can't help but to be angry towards her. I know she's old and older ppl are bitter (she's always been a pessimest), but I wouldn't want my future children to be hurt by some ignorant people's actions. Its to the point where 'should i let it slide and still be good towards her cuz i know she's negative since i've known her my whole life' or 'should i stop talking to her altogether out of resentment'. Already I keep it very minimal with her and hardly conversate w/her because I can't hide my feelings. My husband's the sweetest person and despite her actions he doesn't complain. I can't help but to feel angry. Any advice on what I'm doing is right/wrong?

Answer 1

Sorry to hear about your grandma's behavior. Since your grandma has been like this since you've known her, with her negative feedback, you should know by now that she is always going to be this way and you cannot change how she is. She has to change herself. Not sure if you live with your grandma or not, but you don't even have to be around her if she is going to treat your hsuband like that. You have that right to either leave the room, or just ignore her. It is wrong what she is doing. She is disrespectful of you and your husband.

You also have a right to not have your children be around her if she is going to say something bad against them, because letting your children be around someone like that isn't a good influence to teach them. If you let them be around her while she is making bad comments in front of them about your husband, you are actually teaching your children that it is okay to behave like that. It is better not to have them around her.

It is up to you. If you don't like the way she is treating your husband and talking down on his race, then you don't have to be around her, period. If this is all she does to hurt you and him, then don't come around her. But, if you are around her and she happens to make a remark against your husband, then all you need to do is tell her, "If you are just going to keep making remarks like that continuously, then my husband and I do not need to accept such behavior." And just leave. Hopefully, hopefully she will get the hint. Or if you have the strength to stay there and let her have her three cents in to say something bad, then just ignore her. But, as for me, I wouldn't tolerate her behavior at all.

You are now married to the sweetest man of all. This is the man you will be spending your whole entire life with. Don't let this affect you to which it will affect your marriage. It wouldn't be fair to your husband to always have to see you being hurt with resentment towards your grandma all the time. What he needs now, is a loving wife to be with him. You have yourself a strong loving husband who is about to be a father. So don't be angry anymore because your husband and your child deserve to have a happy loving wife and mother.

Congrats to you in your marriage and your first child!

Answer 2

It is a fact, whether you like it or not, that older people can be quite racist or do things like you say your grandmother does. I am not saying that is right, but have you ever heard the expression, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks"? If your grandmother hates Indians (and from what I hear, the Indians and the Pakistani have had a long standing beef in their home countries) and can't bring herself to understand that your husband is a good person despite having a heritage she can't or won't tolerate, she probably won't ever change her mind, regardless of whether you talk to her or not. I do think that you would be throwing away a very valuable relationship by severing ties with her, but I can also see it from your point of view- I would be heartbroken if a close relative of mine wouldn't speak to my husband, for whatever reason. Just limit the amount of times you have to be in the same environment with both her and your husband, and try talking to your mother or father (depending whose mother she is) to see if they have any solutions to her behavior that won't drive a wedge in the family during what should be this very happy time in your life.

Answer 3

Families, can't live with them, can't live without them.

Her behaviour is upsetting but I believe she's being hurt more than you and missing out on being in your life. Perhaps once she holds your child in her arms she'll change or at least tone down? Yor are doing nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about - I'm not sure you can resolve the matter it's down to your grandmother I'm afraid. Crazy when you think of all the evil in the world and people use race as a reason to hate.

I don't know what else to suggest, what an awful situation to be in!

Answer 4

You got a huge problem on you're hands. You have to make up your mind. If you want her, telling you're children that they are a mixed breed, the names goes on and on. It will hurt the children in the long run. I'm a mixed child. So was my first and only husband. Things that had been said to us as a child. We can't let go of. So thing about it long and hard. This is a new life. You should be happy, and worry free. But that is how it is.

Answer 5

I myself was called "halfbreed" by own grandparents for most of my life because I wasn't 100% scottish. The truth is when people are close minded like that they miss out on good people and valuable time. Your grandparents are set in their ways, and they just need to accept that they're missing out on someone great (your husband.) It's nothing for you to feel bad or ashamed about. They're set in the past and chances are they wont change now. It's their problem and loss, not yours. Enjoy your life with your new family and if your grandparents dont come around, they miss out being a part of that.

Answer 6

My sister was married to an African American for 10 years and has two children with him. She is cacassion. My grandmother did not approve either. But have you thought that maybe you married this man because he is your dreamboat man and not because of his race. I understan that you want to be respectful to your elders but they also need to respect you. Your husband is a part of the family as your child will be. Calmly talk to your grandmother about this in a respectful manner. If she is a sightfull person, she will see how much she means to you and how much your family means to you. It might take some time as it did with my grandmother. But keep in mind--when it gets right down to ti your husband and child come first. And would you want his family to disrespect you by making racial comments about you. How would you except him to react?

Answer 7

I really don't think that you are doing anything wrong. Maybe if you sat down with her and told her that this is the husband you chose and love, and you gave her the choice to either accept that and respect your family, or if she was to still hold an old stereotypical grudge, that you do not want her near your family.

Answer 8

I think that ur grandma needs help and plus what's the big deal in being Indian...I am Indian girl and I used to date a Pakitani and my parents didn't have a problem with that ...I would just say stay away from her and enjoy ur life with ur sweet husband and ur baby...Good luck and Congrats for the baby...

Answer 9

First of all you chose to marry your husband because you loved him and he loved you and that is all that matters right now. Sure you have to show respect to your family but keep them out of your marriage or else their could be problems.
You are doing the right thing . If you have a child and they say negative things about his or her father than we would not be around them.
best of luck

Answer 10

Sometimes a choice has to be made. My mother objected to my choice of a partner and still holds it against me. Now that I've had a son, I am not going to expose him to that kind of bigotry religious or ethnic.

Tell this woman you are not going to let her disrespect your husband and your child's father in front of your child. If she can't at least keep quiet with her bigotry, tell her she's going to totally be out of the equation all together, it's her choice.