Can you tell your grown kids what to do?

Question

I have a 22 year old daughter, and just recently she moved in with her boyfriend. Her father and I do not approve of her move (neither are we humongous fans of her boyfriend). And i want to tell her this, but I also think that it is time for me to let her go and make her own mistakes. But still, is there anything i can do that will make her have second thoughts about this?

Answer 1

If you have specific reservations, you could bring them up conversationally. But, no, you can't tell her what to do and no matter how hard it is, you have to let her make her own mistakes.

Answer 2

You can't tell your grown kids what to do. But you should still be there to offer advice when they are making stupid choices. Maybe have a mother daughter date and discuss the matter. First you need to do a lot of listening and ask questions. People don't want advice if they don't first think they are thoroughly understood. Ask her why she made this decision. Then in a nonjudgemental way let her know how you feel. Even if you don't get her to fully commit to leaving her situation you will both feel better about the arrangement. Good Luck.

Answer 3

This is slightly off from your situation but I think it could be relevant...

I am 23 years old and living with my fiance. We own a house together and both have good jobs. My mom and dad (divorced) both love him and have been supportive though out our 5 year relationship.

However my Mom tends to want us to do things "her" way. Every time she "politely" lets me know that she disagrees it rubs me the wrong way just a little bit more. I have gotten so tiered of her disapproval that I have deliberately lessened our communications and visits.

I think when you are in this situation the best thing to do would be to unconditionally support her (emotionally NOT financially). The worst thing you could do is let her know how you feel.

She is an adult and the last thing you want if for this to work out, they get married and to be estranged from your daughter because of the obstacles you caused early on.

If you give her love and support maybe she will see what you see.

Answer 4

No. She is an adult. You can't say anything. And you should maybe think that you could be wrong and it isn't a mistake. You should treat her as the grown adult woman she is. It isn't your place to approve or disapprove. You need to support her and not make her feel bad for how she wants to live her life. You will push her away QUICK. Try your best to accept and like her BF, it is either that or nothing really. She will chose her BF over you.

Answer 5

Well, I'm 22 and my mom makes me feel guilty all the time and I second guess my decisions. However, you have to let her make the decisions on her own. I'd say something along the lines of, "your father and I do not support your move, but we still love you and if you change your mind, your room is available." Something along these lines will make her think twice, even if she's angry in the moment, and then it's up to her.

Answer 6

Hi, Ive found the more you try to discourage the kids the more they want to prove to me that they are right and I am wrong. If
you push sometimes this brings on the leaving with no return address,then all you do is worry and cant help. Stand by her side and yes i know ouch but she has to learn by her own mistakes. Maybe she sees something in this guy you don't,
did you raise her up right? Trust her.. Lmoe

Answer 7

At 22, I doubt anything that you say or do will have any impact on her decision making. She'll have to "live and learn" on her own. Hopefully after a few months of living together, she will see the light...if he's a pig, she'll realize it. Instead of nagging her or telling her what to do, enjoy your time together. Don't offer any negative opinions on her beau. Ask how he's doing, how are both of you doing, etc. Then move on to a different conversation.

Answer 8

Okay, having been through this (from the kid's perspective) I will say this. Tell her. Both of you need to sit down with her face to face and tell her, eye to eye, that this is unacceptable.

I emphasize that both parents need to be there for this conversation and that means both of you (parents) need to sit down and talk about exactly what is going to be said and how the conversation will go prior to jumping into it with her. Anything short of unity on your part will show weakness and she'll likely attempt to use that leverage to divide and conquer. But Daddy! But Mommy!

I also emphasize using the word unacceptable. Tell her that you understand what she's doing but that if she wants to live like that that she's going to face consequences from the two of you.

If there are no consequences she will see your words as hollow. Now, I'm ex-special forces so I'm a bit of a hard nut about things. But if I were her Dad, I would simply say "you can live in sin all you want, and you can go to Hell too, but if that's your choice then I'm giving your share of the inheritance to the church. You get zero. What part of this do you fail to understand?"

This means no more Mommy and Daddy 'loans'. The bank is closed. If you're weak, they'll run all over you.

Then, and this is the important part, shutup and watch her blink. And as the Mother you must prepare yourself for an emotional outburst. As you're well aware women tend to play the emotion card in the poker game of life.

It's okay if she has an outburst. This may the the first time the law was laid down to her. The first person to speak next loses the negotiation.

Another tip is to arrange this conversation in a public place. I've done this with people before and it seems to check their emotional outbursts.

This living together nonsense is destructive. Sure she might eventually walk away from it with something good. But that's a lot of ifs and it's going to be years from now. Why waste her time by pussyfooting around. Just crack the nut.

We're living in an age where the destruction of families is occuring on all fronts. If you don't care about your daughter then do nothing. Say nothing.

I've read the comments previous to mine and many of them said the same thing. Stay out of her life. Right, you created her life and they would all recommend that you give up on your daughter now that she's of age.

Having had one of these types of relationships (where I lived with someone without the commitment of marriage) I can tell you I would have rather had my parents tell me that they didn't approve of 'the girl' (in my case) rather than keep their lips sealed in front of me. I wish my parents would have had the courage to face me and straighten me out so that I didn't have to waste that time with 'that one'.

Ditech keeps running these commercials saying "people are smart." That's a bunch of hullabaloo. People are idiots. It's not like you're slapping her in the face but you had better learn to stand up for what you believe in before what you believe in is gone.

What you allow in your life, and in the lives of those around you, is so incredibly vital. It's like saying that you can hang out with crackheads all the time and not be influenced by the lunatics surrounding you.

Answer 9

Im 22, and my mom tells me what to do all the time, even now and I just got married, I will admit that I don't usually listen to her advice, but however it sometimes makes me think about what she said and double back on what I was doing, recheck things etc..

So you can tell her, but just be prepared that she may not follow your advice but you planted a seed, she heard you and its her choice to use it or not.

Answer 10

As hard as it might be to keep your feelings to yourself, it's not really a good idea to vent about the boyfriend or the move -- all you'll do is make her angry and defensive. What you can do is support her, be loving to her, be civil to the boyfriend, and if she needs you in the future because it doesn't work out, be there for her.