frustrated with husband - he just doesnt understand!?

Question

i kind of need to vent here. my husband works a labor job where he moves furniture and drives a truck. he seems to think that even when he gets home from work he shouldnt have to do as much to take care of our son as me since im "just home all day". our son is 4 months old. i dont know how to get it through to him that its not easy being home taking care of a baby 24/7 and that i dont just sit around all day relaxing. today for example, he went to work at 730 am, drove for 3 1/2 hrs, worked for about 3 hrs labor and will drive for another 3 1/2 hrs home. on his way home hes now decided to go to a skate park to ride his bmx bike for a while and this makes me angry because he brought our car to work this morning because the baby didnt sleep well last night and i couldnt drag myself out of bed to drive him there at 7 am. so, not only can i not go anywhere or get anything done for longer and im home taking care of our son while hes out having a good time. i never get to just go out and

relax with my friends because they're all away at university. last week, he didnt call when he actually got off work early at around 2 and he stayed at a coworkers hgouse after dropping him off and played video games for 2 hrs! his work schedule is unpredictalbe, he only knows if he'll be working a day ahesad of time and he never knows what time he'll be off. i feel like im spending my life ALWAYS waiting for him. i upset that he never considers me and he gets offended when i say that im tired because he seems to think i should never be since i always home. him thinking that makes me feel like he doesnt think being a other is a big job! he will be taking a few months of parental leave coming up soon so he will get a taste of it but now our son sleeps through the night most of the time so i dont think he'll ever appreciate what the first 3 months are really like. hes never gotten up with him in the middle of the night and has a hard time waking up so i feel like it'll still be me.

i adore taking care of our son but its just frustrating when he finally gets home from work and i think i'll get a break but that break never comes and he always wants to sleep on his days off (usually 1 a week) but what about me? im never "off work" i never "have vacation" and i never have "a day off". how can i make him understand?

Answer 1

Welcome to motherhood. Really, I can understand your frustration with your husband. Try and explain to him that it's not just you that needs his help and attention after he gets home. Remind him that it's important for him to take time to bond with his child. The BMX bike isn't going to grow up angry with it's father for not paying attention to it!

Answer 2

I'm a first time stay at home mom and feel the frustration. All the other mom's I talked to that stay home feel the same way. I feel like I never get a break!! He complains that he works hard and I get to stay at home so I shouldn't be to tired. Well guess what some times it nice to have a break every now and then! Like take today for example, I'm sick and wish I could call in sick so I can get some rest. But that ain't going to happen. I also feel trapped between four walls at times. I love my baby, and cherish the times we spend together. I wouldn't trade being a stay at home mom for anything! I was a working mom with my first but feel as I missed out on a lot! But dang it sometimes I need a moment to myself to do what I want with no interruptions! AND I DEFINITELY NEED SLEEP!! So hubbies please help out more before I go insane!! Sorry I just had to vent with you! I feel much better now! How about you? But I now must go because I have endless laundry to do and the dishes are piling up again. Really I just wish I got a break from all the cleaning and cooking every now and then also!!!
We'll just have to hang in there because It will get better!! It has to right??

Answer 3

Honey i would also vent, and your husband doesn't understand, he has this thing in his head that unless you are doing physical labor in the hot sun for hours that you have no right to be tired. I know this because i am having a similiar problem with my boyfriend. I am 13weeks pregnant and just recently started working in a gas station on 3rd shift, previously i have always worked in a office sitting in my cubicle so i am not used to doing any physical labor, standing let alone do this while pregnant. Do you think he feels sympathy for me?? not at all, i say im sooo tired he says you don't know what tired is. So i believe i will be in your shoes in a couple months. My suggestion is that you tell him how he makes you feel....... but do it in a way you know he will listen one.... (so make sure he's not playing games, so he's paying attention) and be mindful of the best way he understands things. And tell him that you think he is taking advantage of you, and propose that you go out and have fun while he stays at home, give him a taste of being stay at home daddy. tell him you want to have so much time once a week to yourself. Oh and i would also make it known that just because your sitting at home, does not mean its a picnic!!! he's only workinga couple of hours there is no way he's that tired, so he doesn't need to relax. when he gets home he should get a few minutes to shower, sit for a minute than he should take over some daddy duties while you take a shower, you relax you do the things you couldnt do while he was at work because you had no car, and had a 4mnth old attached to you. I hope things get better, but you have to put your foot down now or else it will only get worse. He sounds very immature, some of this behaviors will improve with age. Good luck!!! hope things get better.

Answer 4

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I really believe that you should sit down with him and discuss this. Let him know that being a stay at home mom is not all it's beefed up to be. You don't just sit and do your nails and watch soaps all day, you actually work hard, maybe harder than him some days. Let him know that instead of a 9 to 5, you work 24/7 - without pay!!!!!

He may understand better what you're going through if you tell him straight up like you just told us.

And ask him for a night when he'll babysit - not really since it is his kid - and you go out and hang. He'll see what it feels like to take care of a 4 month old all night by himself.

Hope this helped ya some. And keep your head up. You're obviously a good mother and wife!

Answer 5

First off your husband needs a reality check - one day when he is home, go out without him and the baby, take the car and don't take your cell phone (if you breast feed pump some milk and set it aside for this day)

let your husband get a good dose of reality on how hard being home all day "with your feet up and curlers in can really be"

And relax they will be ok...he won't let your child starve to death and unless you think he would walk out of the house and leave your child home alone - they will survive one day without you there to guide them - i promise. Make sure you tell him you are leaving though - say you have to go pick up some stuff and will be right back...your idea of right back can be 6-8 hours - go to the mall, a spa, your girlfriends house where ever you want.


After his dose of reality - you need to talk to him - let him go on and on about how hard his day was being home alone with jr - then turn it on him - say something like, now you know how i feel while you are out playing video games and riding your bike -

be prepared to compromise


Tell him something like i dont mind if you go do your thing on friday nights (for example) provided saturday night you let me go out and sunday night we spend it together as a family....something you all need - time alone to relax and destress and time together to bond

make another point, tell him now that he knows you are not sitting around with your feet up all day you want some help in the evenings because not only do you look after jr you also do the housework and lsit it off so he sees its not just a simple day for you (dont ask for too much he does work a manual labor job and is probably very tired by the end of his shift, much like you are by the end of the day) maybe do the dishes together or have him bath jr while you do the dishes or maybe have him take trash out and take care of folding laundry while he watches tv (something to help you out, that isn't preventing him from relaxing as well)

If you work together you can both have some time to relax in the evenings and maybe reconnect your hearts and find some love time!

Good luck to yea

Answer 6

I think it is so stupid when women say "welcome to motherhood" and "they are all that way" Because that is NOT how motherhood should be, nor are all men that way. Motherhood is supposed to be the best time of your life! I think it is terrible he does not help out. We don't have kids yet, but my boyfriend and I just got a puppy and it is dam near the same thing, and he is so hands on with the little pup. It sounds to me that he is VERY immature and douesn't respect the fact that he is a father. Some of the most precious moments happen during the day and in the middle of the night, and in the first 3 momths of a baby's life are really crucial to the child. It takes a really strong man to be close to their children, he is taking the easy way out by not appreciating you and being away when he could be home with his son. Not coming home when he gets done early is not exceptable! Once in a while is okay, but those two hours he spent with his video game, he could have been home playing with his son, and bonding with him. If that is how it is now, I am afraid to tell you that it will not get better. It may not seem like a huge deal now, but you are going to end up so unhappy down the road because it will only get worse. He needs to change NOW! He needs to respect that you stay at home, raising your son. It is very hard to be a stay at home mom. I really really give you credit. There are men out there that would absolutely love to be at home with there child, but your husband is not one of them. He needs to GROW UP! It sickens me that another child may potentially grow up without a bond with his father. Good Luck, and deep down I'm sure you know what has to be done.

Answer 7

He sounds like a spoiled, selfish, ungrateful, unappreciative brat! My ex husband was/is the same way...hence, the ex...when he gets home, tell him you're going to take some time for yourself, and take the car and go. Leave him to figure out how to deal with the baby, fix the dinner, etc...sounds like once you've stood your ground with this *&&, he may get the hint. Or
Have someone watch the baby, family member, good friend, and let him come home to an empty house, no dinner, and fending for himself.

He doesn't seem to care about you at all, especially if he's not living up to his responsibilities. So what he has a job outside the house, he needs to give you a break and some much needed help. You didn't conceive this child by yourself, did you?

Answer 8

ha the joys of being a stay at home mom... ever consider going back to work for a break??? i did. My daughter is almost 11 months and it took the first 6 for my husband to fully understand. He was laid off for a week and for that week i got up every morning took the car ( we also only have one!) and didn't come home till evening. So he couldn't go anywhere unless he walked but he still had to do everything i did for a week no breaks nothing. He picked up pretty quick and things soon changed, Give it a try when he is on his break it will work wonders when he sees what you do by doing it himself. make sure you write him a list of everything you do in a day EVERYTHING so he gets the full effect

Answer 9

WOW!! There's a lot of men-haters here! I'm sure I'll get PLENTY of thumbs-down for saying this..but...here goes: Try this tonight::Tell him "thank you for working so hard so I can stay home with my son. It means the world to me that you work so hard for me. I understand you need to take a break from work so how about one night a week you hang out with your buddies? And then one night a week I can hang out with my friends? It's difficult being a SAHM, and I'd like to get out sometimes." I know exactly how you're feeling-but this is what i do and it works wonders. Remember your husband isn't out having fun and games all day at work-and driving isn't very fun and so he does need to relax too..

Answer 10

Unfortunately, when we have kids, we realize our husbands are much more mature. Another kid to take care of who doesn't want any responsibility. Just like a teenager. My husband used to be the same way. Then, I did leave him with our daughter one day, all day, and he was all frazzled when I got home while I was all relaxed and refreshed. You sometimes just have to turn the tables, put the shoe on the other foot.

That's NOT a good idea of him to take the car, leaving you without one. What if you needed to get your child to the ER or something else happened? You should always have transportation when you're caring for a child.

Answer 11

Its called sacrafice! Before I used to nag because my husband would want to take off on the weekend to play softball. He would drag me and the girls at that time. So he stop playing due to knee injury. Now I can't get him out of the house and I cant stand him his constantly nagging for everything if its me or the kids. I wish he get out of the house and leave me alone. I dont need his nagging all the time. The kids are ok but every body seems to be the problem. Enjoy your time, go out with your son take the stroller and go for a walk, maybe the park. I used to be a stay at home mom and I know it can be very frustating dealing with the kids all day and maintaining a house full of shores it gets boring. I know I been in your shoes before. But look at the bright side you only have 1. I have 4kids, a work fulltime job and long commute (1hr-2hr) and did I mention that we carpool together. So believe me its not so bad as long as he is not cheting on you. I been blessed with kids, and he does help out lot from cooking to cleaning. I give him that but like I said to him in reality I have 5 kids. He acts like one of the kids sometimes. I cant stand his yelling and winning. So there is my story. Also, dont spoil your boy tooo much I have one and he demands the girls to do things for him even me.