Baby shower….. Am I going about this wrong?

Question

Ok I am going to try and keep it brief but there is a lot of history behind my situation. My mom hasn’t always been ok with my husband, prior to us being married. There is just reason behind it. Then to top everything off we ran off and eloped and his parents knew and mine didn’t (my choice). Ok so lets fast forward almost three years. Things between my mom and husband are GREAT and my husband and I are expecting our 1st child and my mom and mother-in-law are planning our baby shower together. Well I thought it was together, turns out my mother-in-law kind of took over and now my mom feels left out. Now my mom didn’t tell me this I was told by someone else. My mom is trying to be accommodating. So my husband and I called my mom-in-law and talk to her about it. Turns out now we have hurt her feeling and she is all up set. AHHHHH I just want everyone to be happy. We thought it was GREAT that are parents were doing things together, working on a relationship. Were we wrong to call her and talk to her?

Answer 1

Honey you are never wrong for defending your mother. After all she is your mommy. But they are both grown and they both love you and the baby that's on the way. Your mother in law most likely didn't mean any harm, she could have just gotten excited and carried away. (People tend to do that when new babies are concerned) And your mother may not have needed you and hubbie to come in and "TRY" to fix things, because you said she wasn't the one who came to you. I think you should have called your mother before you called his. I believe if you had talked to your mother and told her not to worry, don't be shy and to just jump in and have fun. But don't fuss, this can be fixed! Get your husband to have a talk with your mother and you talk to his. Both of you let them know that no one meant to hurt anyone and everyone just got a little baby-happy. And I'm pretty sure that before you know it the grandmothers will be back in baby-shower bliss!!!

Good luck,
~Talkin Tae

Answer 2

No, it is fine if your families want to intertwine for their sake.

Call your Mom let her know that this you heard what was going on and let her know what you were told (not by who just what). Let her know that you will stand behind her in whatever decision she makes, if she chooses to do nothing that is fine and the best gift she can give your child is to be there for you, your husband and your baby.

My parents knew my husbands parents for over 20 yrs. The Dad's like each other and the Mom's don't. My husbands mother couldn't wait to trash talk my mother when given half the chance. All my parents said to me was be careful and wouldn't elaborate. After my babyshower which she didn't attend even though it was a couples shower that both families, men and women were invited to she needed to tell me that she sent $500. worth of gifts. I let her know that it was appreciated but it would have meant much more to her son if she had attended the shower that was equally for her son as me and the new baby, she didn't want him married or to have children so she wasn't going to go. Well, my mother in law left our sons first birthday party telling us that she wasn't feeling well and I got a call the next day from a friend asking if I was alright because of what she witnessed. My 1 yr old walked onto the porch (there were about 10 family members and friends) she said come to Nana and my little boy stopped dead in his tracks looked scared and ran to my Dad and begged to picked up. She was embarrased and mumbled loud enough for my friend to hear her say " I don't need this ****" and came in the house and told me and my husband she wasn't feeling well and left. This is just the tip of the iceberg with her and this is what I do. I limit my contact with her as much as possible, I don't seek her out, I don't ask her for anything. She likes to announce how much money she spends on my son in front of my parents (she is rich by the way due to her inheratence from her parents) and I usually say to her after the second or third time that we heard you and thank you for the gifts.

My point is you need to let your Mom know that you are aware of what is going on and that you don't condone it and she shouldn't feel obligated to have a relationship with your inlaws if she doesn't want to or won't be treated fairly.

Your focus is first to your family that you are creating, second to your extended family and third to his.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I would say yes, because you "heard" that your mom was feeling left out. Your mom may not have ever said anything about it to your mother-in-law in order to keep the peace.

In situations like this it is best for all if you stay neutral. Hear your mom out if she wants to talk about it, and vice versa with your husband's mom. But I would never tell the other person, because then you end up where you are now.

I wouldn't worry about it, you can't make people get along and you shouldn't have to make two grown people get along. Let them work it out on there own and basically stay out of it.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Well, I obviously don't know exactly how or what you said to your MIL, but I don't think you were wrong to call her about it. Try talking to her again and tell her that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings, and that you just want to make sure your mother is fully involved and having fun with it as well. Suck up a little if she needs to hear it, it won't hurt. But if it's supposed to be a joint activity, then some sharing needs to be done. Let her know that it's what would make you happiest and make everyone enjoy the shower more. It's not unreasonable.

Good luck!

Answer 5

absolutely NOT!! no matter what.. someone is bound to get their feelings hurt.....all that matters is that you guys are able to talk openly//i think the best thing to do is to try and get everyone together and talk it over as a FAMILY!! your mom needs to let her feelings be known and so does your mother-in-law...it is always a good thing for the moms to work together but there is ALWAYS going to be some kind of controversy..[i know this all too well!!] your mom just feels hurt because she wants to be more involved in your life,,,