How can I deal with my grief?

Question

On Boxing Day 2006, my parents found my younger brother's body after he overdosed. He'd been told the day before by his ex-girlfriend that he was no longer able to see his daughter. I've never seen him so upset in my life. On the day of his funeral, my father had a major stroke. Athough he survived, he is now like a toddler. Two days after that, I went into premature labour and gave birth to my first child. My family and I are still having ongoing trouble with my brother's ex. They are demanding his ashes, and are refusing to let us see my brother's daughter! I am finding now that I have days where I just want to cry all the time, or get really angry at the drop of a pin. Can anyone suggest ways I can deal with this?

Answer 1

that's a lot to deal with. I would need professional help

Answer 2

What a crumby awful string of events. I'm so sorry

Sounds like your grief and anger are really tangled together. I wonder if you can get some separation between all the events so you can look at each one and grieve. In terms of grieving it doesn't matter how your Brother got to that point ...he's gone and you miss him

Some things you can't change or fix...when you're mulling over an idea ask yourself if there's something you can change or do to make it better ...if there's nothing, try to put that problem aside

Your Brother's ex sounds very difficult and wrong but try to keep the communication channels open. Talking to her may be easier after some time has passed ...she might say she doesn't care but she's probably angry, guilty and sad ...its probably making her impossible. Seeing your niece might be a slow process that requires you to be more than reasonable ... her mother will need to be onside before she lets you meet, so somehow you will need to bridge that chasm or wait until the choice is in your niece's hands

Time will probably do the most heeling but get counseling. It will help you separate all your emotions and help you to know what to do with them.

Don't feel guilty about being happy with your new baby. Your Brother wouldn't want that and your baby needs you to be looking towards the future with a certain amount of hope. Your mum will get a lot of happiness from being Nanna/Granny and your dad will benefit a lot from the input even if he can't show it

I hope you find some peace
In the mean time, go ahead and cry (c;

Answer 3

First off, speak to a lawyer. You have rights regarding your brother's child. Also find out about the body. He was not married so therefore, his ex should have no rights to his ashes and why would she want them? She is the one who said he was not able to see his daughter anymore. Make sure a lawyer knows that. As for the grief of everything that went down (brothers death, dad's stroke, premie baby), get yourself a good therapist and make sure you are on some sort of meds, even if it's just temporary until this passes. The hormones in your body are probably all wacked due to stress and premature birth, so you may want to get something to keep them under control. Try to give your dad as little stress as possible. First step...doctor. Second step...lawyer. Also try to find bereavement groups in your area. They can be very helpful when you are in a group with people who are suffering the same as you. Good luck and I do hope things turn out ok for you and your family.

Answer 4

I hate to come off with the religious angle on this because I'm far from being a very religious person, but I have always found solace in knowing that G-d has more control over these events than we do.

You should try to accept the events for what they are and pray that G-d will make things better in due time. It won't change immediately, but you can be certain that G-d had a reason for having these events occur in your life.

It's often that we realize late in life that the difficulties we have experienced are exactly the things that make us better people, give us strength to know we can survive worse things, and give us the character that people find so endearing within us.

There's an old story told by the Dalai Lama of Tibet about a woman who had lost her child, bearing horrible grief for her loss, she seeks out the Buddha. She tells him he must resurrect her child...her grief is unbearable and Buddha has this power to bring back her child. Buddha tells her that he can do this, but he needs a handful of mustard seed from a home where no tragedy or death has befallen.

She goes to home after home and finds that there just is not any home where someone hasn't died, been killed, or some other tragedy has not befallen. She returns very saddened, to tell the Buddha of her failure to get him the mustard seed.

Buddha tells her that it is true, we all must deal with grief in this way ...we must accept that this event has happened, grieve, and then move on with our lives. There isn't anyone who hasn't had any grief in their life. While the events for the moment seem horrible and unbearable, these feelings will pass and things WILL become better again. You need to have faith that this will happen for you too.

Answer 5

This is a bad storm of deep agony. Just one of those events is enough to drive people to the edge and past and there is no easy and convenient way for an outsider to help.

No one, not in your situation, can really understand or feel the pain and unhappiness you are caught up in, but perhaps some experiences do have a common ground.
I found the writings of Daisaku Ikeda very useful when it seemed that the barrel was bursting. Ikeda is the leader of a group that teaches people how to overcome the four sufferings by a method developed in 13th century Japan. It has helped me and others tremendously in our grief and even to change the circumstances involved. The site is
http://www.sgi-usa.org.

Answer 6

I am so sorry your family has had so much sadness. Please contact your health service they may be able to provide home care assistance to help your father, if they have not already. Grief counseling is also a good idea. There should be a list of grief recovery groups available from the health service.

So much happened in such a short time, it is no wonder that you are all struggling with your grief. Anger is a part of the grieving process. Grieving is a pretty long process, but it is survivable. Joy is still out there, you just need to keep your eyes open for it.

Answer 7

i have lost a brother but I cant imagine the amount of pain your family is feeling. It has been 24 years since my brothers death. Unfortunately there is no quick fix, you will hurt for awhile. Nobody can say how long, it is a process everyone goes through. the only thing I can tell you is that 24 years later this is no pain when i think of him only the good memories are there. and I do think of him every day at least once and I tell my 14 yr old the your uncle would be proud of you when he does something exceptional. So be patient and dont try to stop the tears they are theraputic and healing. they will stop when it is time. Enjoy that little child and tell him/her good things about their uncle. Tell that lady she is the cause of the whole thing and she can forget his ashes unless she cooperates and lets you she his child

Answer 8

You need a good thrapping asap. Call a mental health center and ask for recommendations for a therapist.

If you don't have insurance or can't afford $100 / hour for 3 or 4 hours over 2 to 4 weeks, there a programs that are available to you, but you have to wait a while.for the initial appointment. In many locales, if you are willing to call a suicide hot line and say you are suicidal, you will be seen quicker.

Answer 9

I am so sorry for the loss of your Brother.
I am so sorry about your Dad.
You have some very real reasons for being upset!!!
You just gave birth not long ago. You are a new mommy!!! Congratulations!!!
Since your Brother's girlfriend is demanding his ashes, tell her that your Brother's family will take care of everything. She has no rights at all to his ashes. She is using their child as a weapon. That is not what children are for.
You may have a touch of post-partum depression., since you gave birth not too long ago. See a therapist who will be a person you can vent to and who may prescribe a mild anti-depressant to get you over this rough period of time in your life. Post-partum depression is more commom than you may think. My Daughter gave birth in March, and she had a terrible case of it, but with medication she has things a lot more under control.
Lucky you, newborns sleep a lot!
My prayers will be with you and your family.
Please keep in mind that God doesn't give us more than we can handle--it just feels like it sometimes.
Take good care of you. Your baby needs it's Mommy!!!
Get thee to a therapist. You will get the help you need.
Good luck and may God bless you.

Answer 10

find closure. there is a lot of pain in your past -- you need to find forgiveness for the family of the ex -- this doesn't mean being a floor mat. if you don't get visitation then move on -- you get to keep the ashes. if you can afford an attorney you could get legal rights for visitation. if not stop the fighting. i would stop communications with the family of the ex asap all the way around. they sound like they are a train wreck and its very unfortunate your brother had to get mixed up with them. at the same time your brother made a decision that you have to accept and be prepared to move past. forgive and forget. and stop communicating with them. not that long ago they would have ceremonies for this kind of stuff -- people would tear their clothes and follow other rituals to remove people from their life.

what is past is past. i suggest you celebrate life -- you have a new child that you should be living for -- you can make a future for your child -- you can't change the past.

Answer 11

I would say that you and your family are in maximum overload with all these losses. Talking with someone and being able to vent your feelings on going helps. Finding other ways to take care of yourself would help. As time goes by, the edges of grief lessen a little bit. The more open you are about your losses and dealing with your feelings as you go along, the better you will be later. It is a painful process and I don't know any shortcuts.