Am I responsible for an aging Mother who was irresponsible parent to me ?

Question

My mom was a very neglectful and verbally/physically abusive parent. I moved out when I was 17 and asked to come back home a couple of times out of desperation when I needed help and was told no both times. Now that I am older I can see that she is mentally ill and probably has been for years. She is a toxic person to be around so I have distanced myself emotionally and physically and this has helped me a lot. Now that she is getting older she calls me 4 to 5 times a day. And every few months she is having some financial problem that is really her own fault for not managing her money responsibly. She wants to move in with me eventually and I told her o.k. since I feel sorry for her. I know she will drive me insane if she comes here. I would like to help her, but not if it means that I will go crazy in the process. What should I do?

Answer 1

If you have had problems in the past, if you see no change in your Mom, I would regretfully say, you are not the one to be taking her into your home, it is easy to think it might work, on the other hand how do you handle stress and how would you handle it with the way you feel about your Mom. She may have been mentally ill when you were a child, and yes that would cause problems for her and you in the manner you were treated, I suppose if you have no siblings, the decision you make will be with you always, so your Mom is your only Mother, maybe not in the way we think or wish they were. I hate the thought of being put in a home, one never knows how a person is being treated. Losing independence is a big loss and depending on others is hard. If your mom realizes her past actions, she maybe sorry, yet that does not mean her illness is going away. I think you need to talk with a third party who is informed in these matters and also include your Mom if she is capable. You should not have to make such a life changing decision without help. She is your mom, some people divorcee their family's due to extreme circumstances, and that is all that can be done. There are ways to handle this, you do not have to be alone. You may need to talk with a mental health person to get a specific idea on how to go about your choices. How you were treated in some way is carried on into adulthood, and if you have any likeness to how your Mom was, then you need to get help for your own sanity. We can not run away from situations forever, learning to solve the problem is the best way . You may want to take care of Mom, but if you already realize the problem it may cause, you need to do the next best thing, you can make visits to her, phone calls, letters, cards, but I would hope you can have forgivenss in your heat and peace of mind in your choice.

Answer 2

What made you agree to let her move in was your magical thinking that somehow your toxic mother was going to get a clue and become the mother that you want and need. I think you know that this magical thinking is just not going to happen and she's going to be exactly and probably worse than you have always known her to be.

Some women should never reproduce, they are not in any sense of the word, ever going to be a mother. I'm sorry you got one of those, but you aren't alone, we could be sisters.

The only way to control this woman is to distance yourself. First of all stop rescuing her. Get her financial help in the form of an accountant or her bank, but you have to stop enabling her behavior. For one thing, she's not going to be grateful and it just enforces her belief that she was a good mother to you. And you have to stop taking her calls. Stop answering your phone and if you don't have one, get a answering machine. Wean her off her dependence by answering less and less each day until you have her space to every other day, and eventually every 3-5 days. This woman doesn't not deserve that much of your time.

If the time comes that she needs home health, then hire someone. This is the time to get her a long term health plan with a benefit for both home care and a nursing home. Medicare does not provide either, and most regular insurances don't. Even if you have to pay for it yourself, you won't regret it in the end.

Love your mother for what you can. Mine is at the age that she is rewriting history, nothing she did to us as kids is her fault or it just didn't happen. I'm not going to hurt myself trying to correct her, I left her in my past and what little connection I have is plenty. Remember, she was the adult and responsible for making sure you were loved unconditionally.

Answer 3

She is the only mom you've got. When you were young, you wouldn't have known of the reasons why she was behaving the way she did - - - irresponsibly. But I have always believed that no person on earth is innately bad. She was probably a victim of a situation you were too young then to comprehend, a situation only psychiatrists can explain. But forget about that. The onloy reason I raised this is so that you will find it in your heart to "feel good" caring for her, now that she is old and destitute.

You do not have to physically care for her. You can put her into a seniors' home. Or if that is beyond your means, you can help arrange government support for her - - - and you only need to supplement with the little that you have. But seeing her occasionally will mean something tremendously positive. eventually, you will feel good about it. That is called forgiving. You will find it easier to move on when you have taken the hatred from your heart, and have replaced it with compassion, or even love.

Answer 4

Love has nothing to do with money. They are two entirely different subjects. According to your post your mother has been trying to have a relationship with you.

Have you thought about asking your mother if she hates you or has it become habit that you seek advice from others instead? Fact: if you tell people your mother hates you many people will tell you to hate her back in the event they hate their own parents or enjoy the drama.

It is really not your responsibility as to the way people answer to you but it is your responsibility as to *what* you choose to accept and *how* you choose to assume or behave. How long have you been behaving like this towards your mother? After the age of 18 and I see you noted 17 ...not a clue because I wans't there in your past but sons and daughters are suppose to grow forward and create a home and family. Your mom did and usually when a parent rejects living with a hostile minor who is suppose to be growing forward something seriously negative is going on. Perhaps total disregard for authority and don't even try to convince yourself that doesn't strain family environment it causes family break down which you are part of(the family). Note - no excuse here but I know that people fall for peer pressure. It's just that some ignore negative peers and choose to acknowledge their relationship roles instead via exceptance.

She will always be your mother and you will always be her daughter.

Answer 5

You should not just jump back into this. Go slow, maybe visit a few times. See how that works out and go from there. I wouldn't say that you are responsible for her but it wouldn't hurt to try and patch things up so that you have some type of positive relationship with her. Just keep your guard up and don't get involved to quickly. If you are married or have kids I wouldn't let her move in for any reason at all until after you have several years of good relations with her.

Answer 6

That's really tough. I have to assume that you don't have the money to pack her away into a nice nursing home and ignore her. lol. (I know that's not nice but it sounds like she deserves it and if she's mentally ill, probably wouldn't know the difference anyway).

Seriously though, I don't think you should feel obligated to have her live with you. However, she is your mom, an 2 wrongs don't make a right. If you can spare it, help her out a bit financially and do your best to get along.

You'll feel better for it when she's gone.

Answer 7

This issue has come up in our family. My mil informed us years ago that she will be taken care of by family and never put in a nursing home. Of course we were never asked if we were okay with that. She would be impossible to live with. No way, no how. We will never allow her to live with us. I do not feel irresponsible for this way of thinking. We plan on helping her out to manage on her own until she has to go into a nursing home. I would recommend that you do not allow her to live with you. That would kill you. And as far as giving her money, you do not have to. Even tho she is mentally ill, it is no excuse for you to enable her behavior. You are just encouraging her to continue her ill behavior.

Answer 8

You yourself do not have to take care of her, but it would be a good thing to make sure that she is taken care of.

yes, she might have been a crappy mother but you are not a bad person. Do no make yourself into one by not helping her in some way.

No, she does not have to come live with you. Find her a place that will care for her like she needs.

Answer 9

how about putting her into a home? and visit once a week
that way you will not have to have her around all the time but you would not have neglected her
hope it works out

Answer 10

Do not do it. We all have lives to lead and your mother lead hers in a disgraceful manner. Despite that you survived and made it on your own. Her wanting you back is only a guilt trip that will suck you dry. Do not give her money and do not move in with her.