My sister always blames her misery on others?

Question

My sister is very resentful at our parents' strict and moral upbringing and feels like every mistake she's made in her life has been their fault, bcuz they never let her do what she wanted when she was a teen (partying, dating, drinking, etc...). Now as a 32 year old women, my sister has never grown up and is quite the headache. My parents, me, and my brother have always tried to help her in many ways- lending her money we never expected her to pay back so she can get on her feet (bad mistake), my dad co-signed for her to get a brand-new car (it was taken away bcuz she failed to pay it, turning my dad's good credit to crap), she had the chance to become general manager after 4 years at her job (she quit out of the blue), she has no steady homebase and lives with my half-brother from hell who has filed her head with lies, etc, etc.

Everything she does wrong, she blames my parents. What can I do to make her see she needs to grow up for once and take responsibility for her own actions?

both my parents are diabetic and all these problems with her keep causing them a lot of stress.

Answer 1

The short answer to your question in the last sentence is "nothing". If she won't, she won't. If she wants to continue for the rest of her life blaming others for the messes she makes, that's what she'll do. The more pressure is applied to persuade her to change, the more resistant she'll be.

But although you can't change the path she's chosen, you can refuse from now on to clear up her messes, and to get her out of the trouble she causes herself. If you don't, you just make it easier for her to continue on this self-destructive road.

She's 32, and the prospect of her changing her ways grows less the older she gets. It's nothing whatsoever to do with her upbringing. You haven't gone in her direction, and you both had the same parents, the same discipline, learned from your parents the same lessons about conduct, behaviour and principles. This has to do with her personality, and personality is always a bit of a mystery, sometimes even our own! so it's not surprising if we can't understand that of someone else!

My brother has three children, the oldest, a girl of 19 and two boys of 4 and 11. He and his wife have had nothing but grief and trouble from their daughter, who has been selfish and self-obsessed ever since she started to walk. The boys are so different, it's difficult to believe they're her brothers! They're sometimes naughty and disobedient, they sometimes make a fuss about nothing or (the 4 year old) have a tantrum. But it's all normal childhood behaviour, and it doesn't take much to bring them back into line - a sharp word from their dad, and they behave.

Their sister NEVER responded, however angry her father became, she is manipulative, selfish, inconsiderate and has caused so much trouble at home that her parents eventually told her to go. She was and still is determined to have things her way, and she ties herself in logical knots to justify her behaviour. Almost always, it turns out (in her view) to be someone else's fault or responsibility. She just has no capacity to take any kind of responsibility for her own behaviour.

She is hugely talented both artistically and musically, yet she has no plan or ambition to use one or both of these gifts in forging a career. Four or five years ago, she developed the eating disorder anorexia, and has been given support not only by her parents but from several friends who've provided accommodation for her thinking it would help, and from the range of social services provided by the county she lives in.

She is currently in the third week of a four week treatment in a special eating disorders unit, to help her overcome bulimia. During the two weeks she's been there, she's regained weight to the point where her care worker says she doesn't now need to gain more, she just needs to maintain her weight as it now is. Physically, she has improved enormously, and although she's still very slim, she looks and feels much better.

But the real problem has still to be tackled, and that is her mental attitude. Now plans are being discussed about where she might go when she leaves the unit in two weeks' time. She is terrified of being alone and wants to be with someone she knows, and her care worker agrees that would be the best thing for her.

Her behaviour at home nearly caused her mother a nervous breakdown, and my brother has refused to take her in again. I've offered to have her, which I've done on several previous
occasions, but this time laying down a few rules that I expect her to observe when she's here, otherwise she will have to leave. I've done this because I don't want her to use her stay here as a respite, during which she makes no plans for the future, or to revert to her old habits and lose the weight she's now gained.

My brother said she took one look at my list of rules (with which he agreed!) and burst into floods of tears. She couldn't possibly come to me, it would be like living with a policeman!
She doesn't like the idea of going to the home of an old friend from school whose mother has kindly offered to have her, where she could attend art college with her friend each day, transport provided.

She has a job waitressing in a town nearby her home, where the manager of the coffee shop who appreciates her work there has been kind enough to hold the job for her until she leaves the treatment centre. Her landlord in the house where she rents a room nearby has held the room for her - and now she doesn't want to go back either to the room or the job!

What she says she wants is to return home - but so far, her parents have been firm about that - definitely no. What she really wants is to find somebody who will provide for her needs and let her do as she pleases - which is either partying, socialising or nothing.

Sorry for the long story, but the point I'm trying to make is that if the person with the problem won't pick up the help offered and start accepting responsibility for her decisions so that she can get her life back on course, nobody, however much they want to help, can do it for them.

My niece is wasting her life, because she can't deal with the fact that at 19, she needs to grow up. Emotionally she is a child still, totally dependent on others for emotional support. In addition to her musical and artistic talents, she is stunningly beautiful, and a few years ago before she became a walking skeleton as a result of her anorexia, she was talent-spotted for modelling work. Her dad offered to support her in this, but she didn't want to pursue it.

Let your sister live the life she's chosen. But also, let her take the consequences. You've tried helping her, but your help doesn't help! If you pray, pray for her, and then let it go.

wimsey

Answer 2

The trick is to change the way you react to your sister (and the rest of the family). She obviously knows how you will react, and takes pleasure in upsetting you. Try to think ahead (of what she might say to upset you) and rehearse how you will respond, DIFFERENTLY. Don't be tempted to fall into the trap you've falling into for a long time. Just let her nastiness breeze over you, no matter how much it hurts/upsets you inside. If you can show her that that her cruel words have no effect on you she'll eventually get bored with her 'game', and give up. Be prepared though for her to be even more scathing when you don't react how she wants you to. If she seems more cruel then you can be sure that your winning, and make a note of how you responded, and remember it. Use similar tactics against the rest of the family) until they give up their cruel ways. The key is to be different (in a stronger way) and to rehearse beforehand how you will reply to a criticism. Most of all, DON'T try to gain sympathy from, they will see this as a weakness, and play on it. If you need to cry, do it where your sister can't see or hear you. That way she will get no satisfaction, and you will eventually win. Best of luck. Colin H.

Answer 3

It seems like your sister is an unappreciative biatch. She reminds me of this girl I use to know- her family was ultra religious and never let her do stuff when she was younger. She became totally rebellious as a result, and completely out of control.

Your sister needs to learn that parents are human too and only did what they felt was best for her. We all disagree with our parents at times, but that does not justify her negative lifestyle. She is WAY old enough to realize that everything she's done thus far, is something SHE let happen, nobody else. Just stop helping her and maybe in the end when she finds her herself alone with no where to go and no one to get her out of her mess, she'll realize how important family really is.

Answer 4

she hasn't come to realization how lucky she is and appreciate what has given to her. i assume your family kept her in the comfort zone and sheltered her; tried to provide and protect her yet she doesn't understand. i suggest some couseling...that would help her a lot. Examples: Defining her goals in life... Taking control of her life... etc...

She still needs the family's love, support, and understanding. Plus, as you stated, your half-brother from hell filled her head with lies which means she's brainwashed. It takes some time.

Wish your family luck and happiness.

Answer 5

She is no child now. She is responsible for whatever she does wrong. It is time for her to grow up and take that responsibility. it is probably best that none of you help her anymore. She needs to learn how to take care of herself, even if it is the hard way. If you keep bailing her out, she will never learn.

Answer 6

Ignore her. You know how some people are, if they aren't bitching about something all the time, they're not happy.

Answer 7

i dont know what to say

too long ur question is

mommy said time is money and i dont want to waste my money

goodluck

Answer 8

sounds to me that you all need to stop helping her
if you dont help her she may just realise that she cant keep on using you all

Answer 9

Tell her smoothly without warning and say, " You don't see me doing it"