He's been keeping a secret from me. Should I be scared?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 4 years. He's great, we have our problems like every couple, but overall the relationship is great. We were watching "Dog the Bounty Hunter", a show about a family who work in the bail bonds industry, when I just playfully asked him if he'd ever been to jail. To my surprise he says yes. I ask him what for and he tells me, "I don't want to talk about it."

Excuse me? Red flags are going up for me! I can't imagine what could be so bad that he doesn't want to tell me about it--we're really honest and talk about everything. I just can't imagine why he won't tell me, so of course my mind is just going crazy trying to figure this one out.

What would you guys do?

Well, I asked him about 3 or 4 times and he keeps telling me he doesn't want to talk about it. It's just really odd because we're so open & honest about everything.

Answer 1

I would think out in advance what I wanted to say. Then, at a quiet time in the near future, I would say something like this.

"Honey, I was surprised last night when you said you'd been to jail before. I'm really glad you told me. And I'm sure such an experience must be very hard, so I can understand why you wouldn't want to talk about it.

"But we're supposed to be each other's closest friends, and it suddenly makes me a little scared that something so important happened to you and you never shared it with me. I wonder about things--safety and stuff. We each have responsibility to ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and to really know the people in whom we place our deepest trust.

"I need to know a few things. And I know they're really personal, but we share so much of our lives (and are planning....?).

He should say something at this point, like "well, what do you want to know?" And I would answer, "can you tell me why you were there?"

Then just listen. Listen with empathy and kindness, but also with your ears wide open. Ask questions where they seem appropriate based on what he says, just focusing on what you need to know based on your concerns, not invading his emotional privacy. Not everyone whose been in jail is going to do someone harm... heck not everyone is guilty! You've known him a long time; has he ever given you reason to believe he may be violent? If so, then why stay, regardless of the jail thing? If not, then realize that he probably doesn't want to talk about it because it was so traumatizing (terrible, terrible things happen in jail, perhaps he was sexually assaulted, that is so incredibly hard for a man to talk about, I really wouldn't even go there)."

Nonetheless, as his LT girlfriend, you have the right to have a few questions answered. Namely those that will affect your safety and your future, and the safey and futures of anyone who "may come along" (insert patter of little feet here). If he hedges and won't answer questions like these, or won't understand your need to be adequately assured that you are with a person you can trust, then you have your answer. I just hope you would then actually DO the safe thing, and break it off.

Answer 2

Sit him down and tell him how much it means to you to know what he was in jail for. If he still won't tell you, most states have a website you can look public records up in. Or go to your local courthouse...there are ways to find out on your own, but do you really want to go behind his back to find out if it means that much to him that it stays in the past?

Answer 3

If you don't want to ask him again I live in California and here you can go to the County Court House and that info is public access, for Criminal and Traffic. But the crime has to be committed in the county you live in or they won't have it. And the violations are in codes but you go to the law libary at the court house and look them up.

Answer 4

Go to the courthouse and get a copy of his record. They cost less than five dollars. That will answer your question.

Answer 5

in simple terms say you have a overwhelm on somebody else now and additionally you at the instant are not likely to declare who it rather is that this time. specific it rather is somewhat white lie yet she would not could acknowledge that. in all hazard will stress her nuts attempting to confirm who it rather is although,lol. in simple terms think of of each and every of the relaxing it rather is going to be messing together with her head.

Answer 6

dont push him too much...giv him some space n time. maybe he's still not ready to talk bout it. some experience r really hard for us to share wit others. be patience n the time will come naturally.

Answer 7

You are being such a...well yeah. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't make such a fuss over it, get the hell over it. He's just nervous or ambarassed, do you want to force him to tell you?

Answer 8

hes ur bf be like baby i really love you can u please tell me