Do I have a right to be offended?

Question

Last year my nephew (husband's brother's son) molested my daughter. My brother-in-law lied to us and has never apologized for his son's actions. We have had no contact with them since the incident. This hurt the family - esp. my mother deeply - my mother wanted to kill the monster for what he did. My mother died very suddenly August 16th. It has been hard, but I am dealing with it. Today, I received a symphathy card from my brother-in-law and family with the 14 year old monster's name signed inside the card. What that monster did to my daughter haunted my mother and caused her great hurt and stress which did not help her health. I am offended that in 13 months they couldn't say "I'm sorry" for what their son did, but now are sending a sympathy card to me???? Do I have the right to be offended and upset? Thank you.

He was 13 and my daughter was 4. he told her they were playing "doctor". He confessed and plea bargined to 2 counts of Gross Sexual Imposition.

As stated above, both police and children's services were notified. I am following the social worker's recommendations concerning counseling for my daughter.

Answer 1

Absolutely! It seems weird that your brother in law isn't insisting his son apologise - maybe this problem goes deeper than just your daughter, maybe the boy (14yr old monster) has been/is being abused himself. Not that that excuses his actions but it would explain why there have been no consequences for him since the incident.

I think you do have a right to be upset & offended. This boys actions will forever affect your daughter, and you will always believe that they contributed to your mothers quick demise. If there is any way to keep their family out of your family's lives I would pull out all stops to ensure this.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

Absolutely!!!! I know the saying is to "forgive but don't forget" but sometimes in that case you have a right not to. They could have at least been there better half and spoke up and said they where sorry about what happen. It was nice for them to send you the card of sympathy, but where was the card of sympathy after what there son did to your daughter??? It is a very touchy situation when you are dealing with family then just a complete stranger because you wont everything to be fine and be a happy family, but sometimes that cant be the case I have personally figured that on my own. My best friend was (guy) and I have known him for years, his whole family lived beside each other on the same road his uncle lived beside him would always come into there house and eat with them and everybody seemed ok with his uncle being there except my best friend he finally told me one day that is uncle (by the way was a drunk) molested him twice when he was 10!!! I was furious over the fact that he told his parents this when it happen and they didn't belive him and allowed his uncle into there house. But what your brother-in-law's son did is sick and if his parents cant even apologize for what he did on his behave then no you shouldn't feel guilty for being upset!!! By the way I am sorry to hear about your mother.

Answer 3

They certainly did not deal with it appropriately. But let's take a moment to remember that the boy is 14 (13 at the time of the incident, it would seem). I would say more than condemnation, he seriously needs a whole lot of psychiatric help. For all we know, it's entirely possible that he was abused himself, as is often the case with sex offenders. They probably have no idea how to go about apologizing for such a heinous crime. That certainly doesn't make any of this right. If it really bothers you, send a note saying you're not ready or willing to sweep this under the rug, and you don't want any hint of contact from the boy. If it isn't happening already, I'd tell the parents they need to get the boy into serious therapy if they want to have a prayer of a chance of him not becoming a repeat offender.

Answer 4

Absolutely.

The card proves that your brother-in-law and family understand providing a sympathy card for a death. They never apologized for an incident their naive 13 year old did to your daughter, which they should have done; however, if they have not done so by this point, they may think that previous incident is water under the bridge.

I put no fault in adding their son's name to the card. This is something typically done automatic when sending a sympathy card. It was not likely sent with intend to offend you or your mother (God rest her soul).

I understand that it is difficult to face your brother-in-law and his family, but they will remain a part of your life in some form or another. They may not realize how offended you were at the incident (this is hard to believe, I know), and your pent up feelings and frustration is hard on you as it was with your mother. One day, you will need to open a dialog in order to reconcile these feelings.

Answer 5

They are in denial. They probably think this will all come out in the wash so to speak. Actually, think they dont believe this 14 yr old did anything wrong. They are in denial, so they have not grasped the gravity of the problem. A lot depends on how old your daughter is. If she is 14 yrs old, then its probably normal, but then if she is 3, thats pretty sick.
Now that I know his age, thats gross. He must have been either molested himself or have some boundary issues. Wrong for him to have any contact, and I would turn him into the authorities and suggest he stay away from you and your children. No cards included. He needs a restraining order.

Answer 6

YOU have every right to feel angry, upset, betrayed and every emotion that follows. Your daughter whom you have been protecting all of your life has been hurt deeply from within your own family! It is unbelievable they have not asked for your forgiveness or appologized to your daughter. It is sick and derranged. I am sorry your daughter had to endure such a violation. It angers even me and I have never met her. My anger stems from having children, neices, nephews of my own. Obviously your husband's brothers and son have denied any part of this,they can put the blame on others not accept they have made mistakes. They may actually feel sympathetic to the passing of your mom. (My heart felt sympathy to you for that). It is important for your to focus on how your daughter deals with relationships, men, boys etc, counseling should be a part of her life so she can work this through. Stay away from the molester and make sure you warn others, he may truely have issues don't allow it to continue or harm others. Would a "sorry" from them change what was done to your daughter? NO.And it can never change how it made you and your mother feel either. It is not okay and it is NOT acceptable. Stand your ground, love your daughter, stand together. Let her know she is not alone, it is not her fault. I don't know why things happen, but I believe it does make us stonger and it can rally us to action or it can wear us down. Speak up and out about it,become more involved in programs in your area to bring people in similar situations come together, find the strength in knowing you are a good parent, you are supportive and you will not tolerate the haunting any more.truely sorry for your hardship. You have rights to your feelings, they are your own and they are legitimate as does your daughters. Verify not deny them.

Answer 7

Hell Yea U Also Have The Right To Go Over There And Beat The Lil Boys A*s How Old His Your Daughter? if That was me i'd press charges a long time ago theres no sorry that shouldnt never happen in any way

Answer 8

Offended? Wow, that is a bit light hearted. I would be totally PO.
I would either send the card back. Send it back w/ the boy's name crossed out. Or take it back in pieces. Let your message be very loud and very clear that you want absolutly nothing to do w/ them.
I know you can write, "How about...My sympathies that our son molested your daughter" on their card leaving just the in-laws names.
Or cross everything out leave the kids name & write, "I'm sorry, I molested your daughter". And make sure you actually put your daughter's name in place of "your daughter".

Answer 9

Being offended may make sense, though really-- if they hadn't sent a card, would you be offended over that ("How dare they not even send a card after how much they hurt her")

I suspect there was no way for them to do the right thing on this one, and since the choice they made was, at least, the choice that showed some sympathy for your loss, I might be inclined to give them a pass on this.

Understand, I think it's reasonable to stay pissed off at them forever, but in this case, anything they could have done would have been wrong, and it seems that they chose one of the least wrong options.

Answer 10

you never mention your daughter's age. And you never specified if this was a clear cut case of molestation or if they were both fooling around.

Now that you answered that...... I personally would have killed the little bastard and you have every right to be offended that they've made contact and have NOT apologized for hurting your child so fiercely and greatly. No apology would help me in this case, but an ongoing plea of mercy from them would be the best they could do.

And it was "nice" they sent you a card, but they should have apologized a long time before.... and like it was asked - would you ahve been offended if they didn't send it.

You, my friend, have a double-edged sword and I am very, very sorry for what your little girl has endured. I am surprised CPS didn't mandate that that teenager receive couseling and looked into his background for him being molested.