My Mom lives in Wisconsin, I live in Florida with my sons and husband. My mom and Dad are getting divorced after 45 years. She wants me to come up and help her fix up the house. The problem is that my mother drives me bat crackers! I can't stand being around her because she corrects nearly everything I do. She's also very needy and complains to me about how my father just up and left her for a younger woman even though their marriage was NEVER good.
I know she needs help but I really do not want to deal with her ranting about what a bad guy my Dad is. (Trust me, he isn't. He's made mistakes but he just got out the way she was going to last year). So I'd rather send some money up so she can hire people to help her. Am I a bad daughter for not wanting to put up with her crap?
Also hubby and I own our own business and with fall starting I really can't afford the time away.
What do you guys think?
2007-08-27 15:44:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Where I come from, we are taught from early childhood to respect and love our elders always. No matter what! Over the years we learn to appreciate our elders, especially our parents, as our own private treasures of wisdom. This bond is the basic foundation of building a good and caring society.
We used to have these values in America too at one time. Now, I see this "me" generation charging forward, caught up in their own little kingdom of materialist values. And they all seem to have a ready-made justification for everything. Excuses like, "Oh gees, its fall and my business is going to suffer if I rush and help out the only mother I have who needs me right now," or "Oh god, would it not be better if I just send her some money and let her hire someone to help her out, instead of rushing to her side and spending some serious quality time with her?" . You know, stuff like that! LOL
Anyway, I don't mean to make you feel guilty or anything like that. I just want to emphasize to you that when your parents are gone, you will feel like an orphan, no matter how old you may be at that time. Could you deal with that regret? Your mom and dad, are the roots that made you who and what you are. There is nothing wrong with giving back some of that strength to either one of them when they need it. Even if it means having to give up some of your lively-hood. You will be rewarded for it many folds over. Whatever you send into the lives of others, comes back into your own. Good or bad.
2007-08-27 16:40:02 · answer #1 · answered by Chandru M 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you aren't a bad daughter, but I bet your mom made a lot of sacrafices on your behalf from the time your were born until you were about 18. I guess I'm a lot like your mom. I don't know when to shut up. I think your mom needs to be told that you just can't handle it when she criticizes you and talks about your dad and if she wants any kind of a relationship with you she's got to stop it. Period. You give her a chance to change and right herself. She will yell and scream and say you don't love her, etc., etc. but at least you gave her a chance. Your mom is really lonely right now and she's brought it on herself but I don't think she really knows that.
That's a pretty daunting task to go through 45 years of accumulation, especially if the 45 years have been in 1 house. I would tell her you will come back to help her for 3 days to help her get organized, but only under your terms--not criticizing and ranting about Dad. You love them both and there's plenty blame to go around and that's all you have to say. If she starts up, say, "Mom, you have to stop that, I just can't take it." If she wants, to fight go to a motel. When you are there, maybe you can help her locate an organizer and a contractor (whatever) who can help her get started in deciding what to keep, what to donate, what to send to the dump, and what to sell at a yard sale or better yet an auction. There are people who want to by old stuff, collections, etc. and there are people who do dump hauling--they'll probably help you move the stuff out to their truck. Doesn't you Dad want to go through and make some decisions about what's going to happen with their stuff, too.
2007-08-27 16:18:15 · answer #2 · answered by Darby 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be honest with her and tell her you cannot make it due to your business and other priorities. Your decision to send money instead is a good and practical option. The additional cash will help her with the house repair.
You are not a bad daughter given your feelings for your mother. But, you can do something about it. If you will not tell your mom about her bad traits, who will? Be straightforward and tell your mom about your observations. Tell her to just simply respect your father and put the past behind. Tell her that the endless ranting and complaints will not help. Make her realize that it will be better to move on and to be simply happy.
One way of showing concern for her is through regular calls since you are far away from each other.
2007-08-27 16:08:41 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The reason why you love your mother it is because the relationship work best from a distance. You already know that going to Florida will be a great mistake considering her attitude, including the fact that your husband needs you to help prepare for the fall business.
You made a good decision by sending her money. This is enough for your mom to sense the love you have for her...good job...God bless.
P.S.
You are good smart daughter. You understand when it is really necessary for you to go to Florida...
2007-08-27 16:04:50 · answer #4 · answered by tony 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is very obvious that the last thing in this world you want to do is be confined with your Mother for an extended length of time. My suggestion to you is that you tell your Mother that because business has picked up so much you can not possibly get away for a while, but you will be happy to send her a check and then visit her when you can get away from business and the work on her house is all done.
2007-08-31 14:12:18 · answer #5 · answered by jcf6865 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your not in anyway a bad daughter for not wanting to put up with her "crap" but you should let her know if you come to help her, she can not talk about your father! Let her know that what ever happens you will also love your father and your father is a part of you. But you should help her out, I lost my mother a year and a half ago I wish I had seen her more, you get a wake up call when you lose your mum how much you really need her.
2007-08-27 16:09:19 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yours is really a very uncomfortable situatuion, its difficult to handle a ageing parents with very personal matter and on the other hand your own family with so many issues to handle.
But you are the center of both and I feel if you can be of some use, you should give a try, whatever be the outcome or whatever be you bussines.
I do understand your situation and do not feel yourself to be a bad daughter but if you have little time to spare I think your personal presence may make a difference.
2007-08-29 03:31:16 · answer #7 · answered by 1234567890babju 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I live with my elderly mother, who is a widow, and has had a stroke. She is very needy, drives me insane, and sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out! But... I am divorcing, still friends with my husband, no kids, and unable to work due to neuropathy, a disorder associated with my diabetes. So, I am basically free to help her. I have three older sisters, and not one of them has done much to help. Do I think they are bad? No, just busy with their own lives. Do I think they could help more? Oh, yeah! But, one of those helps would be with money, (one is doing that) so I can tell you, that money would be a help, and I think your mother would be grateful, especially if you tell her how hard it is for you right now, and that perhaps you might be able to visit her, (maybe she could visit you) another time. (have a time in mind, it would be better to solidify your position.)
So, no.. you aren't a bad daughter. Not at all. If you were, you wouldn't be concerned enough to ask. ;)
2007-08-27 15:57:51 · answer #8 · answered by private_treasure1226 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should go up there and help her cause she is probably goin through a rough stage in her life since she is losing her husband. maybe since she is probably sad she want be as bad as she usually is, and you can always get in your car and drive off and go take a break when she starts getting on your nerves. just go up there on the weekend or one of you less busy day's and help a little. then return home and tell her you love her but you have to go back home, and if she needs help you will send money or try your best to help out.
2007-08-27 17:45:29 · answer #9 · answered by rainbow stud 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your mom didn't drive you crackers, would you want her to come for you in your time of need?
Before going put down your rules in writing........tell her you won't put up with one bad word about dad, you won't put up with her correcting everything you do, and you refuse to put up with her needyness, when it isn't called for.
I'm thinking you may be daddy's girl plus your very selfish.
Don't you think your hubby can handle the business without you for maybe what a week?
2007-08-27 15:58:47 · answer #10 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋