What do you think about people counting their wedding gifts? You know, to see who didn't give or was "cheap"

Question

The day after their wedding, my brother and his new wife sat down and went through all their wedding gifts/cards and compared them with the guest list.

They basically made note of what everyone gave (for thank you cards).

Since then, they have been talking to us (immediate family: me, my sis, dad, mom, etc.) and complaining about who didn't give them a gift and who gave only $50, (our cousin, for example) etc.

What do you think about that? Is that kind of behavior normal, acceptable and generally expected, or is that totally ridiculous and rude? Something in between?

Thanks!

They basically believe that since the wedding was expensive, the gift should reimburse them. They did say it could depend on the person's means, tho. To their credit -- they said it's cool for a single person to maybe gift $50. But they said an established middle class couple should double that.

Answer 1

Flat out rude and selfish. You don't have a wedding to make money, and shame on them for having a wedding they obviously couldn't afford and expected their guests to finance.

Aside from that, whether you think someone is "cheap" or not is NOT something that should be shared outside of your own head. No offense, but the *couple * sounds "cheaper" than the guests who didn't give gifts.

What if a guest had $0 left after paying for a night or two in an expensive hotel where the reception was held, costs for a new dress/suit, transportation, etc? If the couple had a cash bar and expected large sums of money from guests, they are really pushing it.

Some people really can't afford much (i.e. students, seniors, those who are ill and cannot work, etc.). Family should understand that. Furthermore, while I *do* agree that it DOES look cheap if a middle-class couple only gives $50, you really don't know how much debt they are swimming in. Many "rich" or "middle-class" people look well off but owe thousands. It's called credit cards and long-term mortgages, and people mistakenly use it to live beyond their real means. Either way, a gift is a gift, and people usually DO give what they can.

While I *assume* most of my wedding guests will give gifts, I certainly don't expect them. And I could care less about the actual amount or item received. It's the thought that counts, it really is.

Bottom line: This couple obviously don't have their priorities or their manners in line, hopefully their marriage will fare better than their etiquette.

Answer 2

Comparing the gifts to the guest list is totally normal...making a list of who gave what is the only way to write good thank you notes without bieng lazy and mailing pre-printed cards to everyone. I am sure that making a list every couple has random naughty thoughts like that and everybody has their opinions about what "should" be given....but you keep those to yourself!

However.....complaining about the gift given, especially when they are telling the whole world what someone gave is not normal and really rude and wrong! I'm sorry but IMO it's none of anybody elses business what I gave the couple and I would be really upset if I found out they were talking behind my back about my cheapness then trying to cover their butts with a "well you never know the situation competely" comment. That's right...you dont so shut the hell up. If my gift sucked that bad then send it back and I'll give to someone who can appreciate it.

Sorry guys but a wedding is not a fundraiser. If you wanted to double your money fold it up and stick it in your pocket. I shouldn't have to live off ramean for a month becuase you decided to have an over-the-top party you can't afford for one night.

Answer 3

I think it is ridiculous and materialistic of anyone to complain about someone not getting them a gift. Gifts are never required whether you can attend or not, and it does not have to equal the amount per plate that the B&G paid for.

The guests gifts should be their presence.

I like the idea for writing down who gave what to get a good personalized thank you card for what they got you, the ones who did not give gifts should still get a thank you card for coming to the wedding/reception as well.

As a bride, I do not require my guests, whether they can attend or not, to give me a gift. Their presence is their gift to me. The same with my wedding party. They have the added expense of dress/accessories/hair/makeup/etc.

Answer 4

I know that gifts are not required, but I find it extremely poor taste to attend a wedding without a gift. I'm sure most couples compare their invites against their gifts to make sure everyone gets thanked properly....not necessarily to guage the price of the gifts...I think it's different for her to tell you as her family about this than to others.

I do not agree at all that the guests gifts should reimburse the couple for their meals. I give gifts based on my relationship to the couple--closer gets more.

Answer 5

everyone who attends the wedding should get a thank you card for attending not ones who just gave gifts! Some people have to pay for hotel plane tickets and well shouldnt be required to give a gift! I think that note thank you for coming to the wedding is acceptable or adding gift if you knew they gave you a gift but you shouldnt say how much anyone gave you!! It will just start drama very very bad move to speak about who gave waht monetary amount!!

Answer 6

Only $50?? Family must be rolling in the dough pretty good to think $50 gift is too small. I was happy when I got $25 from young friends and family (I got married when I was 21, and who has money that young - really).

I would say they need to get over themselves - unless a rich family member went really cheap on them when they commonly give more. Either way, it is called a "gift" for a reason. You shouldn't ever make a person feel obligated to give something!!

Answer 7

May I ask why you're so against accepting the gifts in the spirit they were offered--with love for you and cheer for your wedded happiness? I suspect your guests gave you those gifts because they WANTED to. Had they wanted to donate to a charity, they would have. My husband and I contribute to charitable causes on a regular basis, but we still offer tangible gifts to celebrate others' big occasions. I'd be hurt and offended if you gave my gift away to some charity. What you're proposing is saying -I already told you I didn't want your dumb gift, so since you gave me one anyway, I gave it away. I think you think you're doing the right thing, but truly, you're being insensitive to your guests who care about you, and who want a nice life for you.

Answer 8

I think every couple does need to have a list of who gave what, purely for the purpose of thanking people for the correct gift when writing thank you notes.

After all, if someone gave me a pair of hedge clippers, I wouldn't want to accidentally thank them for the cut glass bowl...or vice versa. And it would certainly make me feel as though nobody had noticed what I actually gave if the thank you note just said: 'thank you for the gift' without any discussion of what it was or how they would be using it.

But to discuss the pricetags, make overt note of who didn't send a gift, or accuse people who didn't give 'enough' of cheapness is thoroughly reprehensible behavior.

Shame on them for being greedy and classless.

A gift is an expression of affection and act of generosity, not entry fee or a way of getting back what one has spent on throwing a wedding.

Answer 9

WOW! How tacky and distasteful. A wedding is supposed to be about celebrating their love for one another with friends and families celebrating with them. It is NOT about gifts and money. No one is obligated to give the bride and groom gifts. I don't see their marriage lasting very long, especially if they based their wedding/marriage on what kind of gifts they were going to get from the guests.

Answer 10

That is completly rude and in very poor taste. Guests are not REQUIRED to bring a gift to a wedding. They should be glad that they came to celebrate their day. I think it is ridiculous to complain about $50, that is a lot of money to some people.

I personally didn't have a clue who did or didn't give a gift at my wedding. I was genuinly happy that everyone came!