My boyfriend and I have been having this argument. Am I wrong?

Question

I think that if you have children, one of the parents should stay home until they are old enough to be in school. I think if you PLAN it like you should, you should have enough money to live off one income. I don't believe in day care, if you want to be a parent, then stay home and PARENT. I don't think it's right to have someone else raise your children. Don't have children unless you can afford to. My boyfriends mom called me a "freeloader" because I mentioned that when I have kids I want to stay home with them. I mean I have a full-time job now and have for 10 years. My boyfriend agrees with his mom that stay-at-home moms are freeloaders just looking for a free ride. Who is right?

Answer 1

I don't believe stay home moms are freeloaders. Being a stay home mom is a full time job. Children need at least one parent home.

Dump the boyfriend you can find someone better if he thinks taking care of your own children is being a freeloader.

My boyfriend always says we should have children when we have enough money for one parent to stay home to take care of them and raise them right =)

Answer 2

I went through the same thing when my daughter was born. I stayed home for a couple years, then just worked part time for the last 4 years to get out of the house and make a little extra money. My husbands family totally thought I was a gold digging freeloader. I still have to defend myself against their gossip. My husbands grandmother even sent me a certified letter telling me how I had no right to my husband's land (which is passed on thought the family, and which I could honestly care less about!), and that basically I was a lazy freeloader. A certified letter!!! Still, I believe that children need their parents to raise them...not a stranger. I did put my daughter in part time day care with a provider that I knew personally, and had mostly children my daughter's age (3 years old), just for some social interaction and friends. But the bulk of my time was spent with her. Also, activities like dance, swim class, or gymnastics are good physical activities they can do with the benefits of outside social activity. You're not wrong. You should stay home for a while if you can afford it...If not, maybe you can do some stay at home stuff like buying and selling on e-bay or something? Having children is definitely a sacrifice in many ways....but totally worth it! Also, believe me, after a couple years, you'll probably want to get out and and work part-time just for some "you" time. Good luck!

Answer 3

i agree with you I'm a home staying mom I'm not a freeloader i do everything in my house here is a list of what u do when u r an stay home mom:
clean house
laundry
food (breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, or any other thing they want)
baby sitter
doctor
nurse
psychologist
financial assessor ( you have to watch what u buy)
you work 24/7 there is no weekends ( well there is but with a lot of limitations because u r never free)
you have to change dippers if you have a baby
in my case i have 3 kids : 7,4 years old and a 10 month old baby so my agenda is full
imaging volunteer,homework, if the kids what to be in a sport time you have to drive a lot so that make u a "chofer"
and the list can go even more longer but i thing that's a little of what we have to do as a homemakers
i was about to forget "THERE IS NO PAY" yes you don't have a salary like all the other people who just work 8 hours a day
so tell them to think about it
p.s i love my kids and i dont want a miss any single laugh , the first steps, smiles so no day care for me , on top of all that i breastfeed my babies so there is a save on money( a can of formula is a $20-$40)

Answer 4

There is no right answer to this.

Many, many children spend their days with day-care working or nannies and show no ill developmental or other untoward side-effects.

Here is a brief run-down of the pluses and minuses.
1) stay at home until they go to school.

Pluses. Parent is with the children during their formative years. If the parent is good, this is a good thing.

Minuses. The parent who stays at home suffers a career set-back that is hard to recover. The financial negatives impact the child's college fund, etc. The parent who stays at home sometimes suffers self-esteem issues. Unbalanced home responsibilities sometimes cause rifts in the relationship.

2) Keep working and put the child in day-care, use a nanny or a relative.

Pluses. Parents maintain careers and are better able to provide for the future of their children. Parents maintain both work and home relationships which is more balanced for their socio-emotional well-being. Children learn to be more confortable with new people and less shy.

Minuses. Child is partially raised by someone who does not always have the childs best interests in mind the same way their parent would.

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As you can see, I am somewhat biased toward continuing to work. It's a good idea, perhaps, for one parent to work half-time for year, if you can afford it. Another alternative, is for the parents to alternate. One stays home the first 12-18 months and the other stays home the next 12-18 months.

But, financially, I think both parents should try their best to maximize their earnings. Kids do fine with this. Also, some of the daycare people are highly trained and can actually spend more time nurturing that you might be able to because you'd be distracted by cooking, cleaning and laundry.

Think about it. The decision is personal. Hopefully, you and your spouse can figure out a compromise (limiting the time or sharing the responsibility).

Answer 5

HMMM... Let me try to be diplomatic in response to your boyfriend's response and his mother's response. WRONG!!! I worked 2 jobs for 15 yrs even after having kids I worked 2 jobs while my husband worked 1. I went back to work 5 weeks after having my first child and 6 weeks after having my 2nd child. I worked 15 hours a day. I missed so much of my girls when they were small, especially my oldest. I just stopped working 2 yrs ago when my youngest was 3. Best choice I ever made. I cried when I put my girls in daycare. Someone else was raising my girls during the day. Both my girls are in school now but, I will never be able to get back the time I lost. I AM NOT A FREELOADER!! Being a stay at home mom is work. I keep a very clean house and I cook all the meals. I also volunteer 2 mornings a week at a hospital while my kids are in school. You get 1 shot to be a parent. 1 shot to do it right. Raising kids is not for the lazy. You tell your boyfriend that if cleaning a house for 5 hours a day is freeloading he needs to re-examine the definition. I cook all meals and I do homework with my girls as well. What free ride am I taking ..I ask? If you sit down with your spouse and make financial changes like cutting out the extras and what isn't necessary you can usually come up with a budget or work part-time. I play with them, bathe them and do family reading time at night. During the summer I take them on adventures and to camp during the day and stay there with them. You cannot put a price tag on what I and other stay at home moms or dads do. You are right!!!

Answer 6

i think you're both being childish.. if a family can afford for a parent to stay home, then that's fine and that's what they should do. but if both parents need to work after the child is born, then there is nothing wrong with that. and the first person that says "oh well if you have to work then don't have kids" doesn't know what they're talking about. just because a parent stays home, doesn't mean that they are the best parents in the world. there is so much that's involved with parenting that people who don't have kids don't understand. i have a set of nieces and nephew on one side and they have their mom that stays home. then i have a set of nieces on another side who's parents work. they are both good kids and are all growing up well, however the kids who stay at home have no social skills and only rely on their mom because that's the only person they're comfortable with. and kids need to develop social skills. i want you to only accept answers from parents, cause they are the only one with any experience. if you decide to work or not, it doesn't make you a freeloader, but understand that working doesn't make you a bad parent. there is so much more involved. think about this argument that you're having with your husband. if you were having it in front of your child, that will do the child more harm then working or not.

Answer 7

I am a Stay at Home Dad, and have been for the last eight months. I had a very good career, I worked on Wall Street, have an MBA and than ended up doing audit for a retial company. I gave everything up so my wife could go back to work after the baby was born. Yes, we could afford to get by on one salary and still have a very nice life. However, there are some people who are barely getting by on two salaries. I know people say well if you don't have the money than don't have children. Well there are things that happen, such as a condom breaks, the pill does not work or the couple just decides it is time to start a family. In all honesty if the average person waited until their were financially secure to have a baby most couples would not have babies well into their 40's and 50's. There are things you can do without such as fancy vacation, nice cars, brand name clothes and eating out, but people can not go without paying the bills, food and shelter. With that said some parents have to work, and do the best they can. Day care is not cheap, but parents search until they find one they can afford that is safe for their child.
Being a Stay at Home Parent is not being a freeloader. When you think of what gets done in the course odf a day, taking care of a child, cooking, cleaning, being a taxi and still taking care of things for you. Your boyfriend is drawing his opinion from the mothers he sees at Starbucks who pull up in their Range Rover on the way to a manicure and than to lunch with the ladies. Those are the mothers who are sort of free loaders becasue they stay home because they can, and hire a cleaning lady, nannies etc..
I am in the process right now of possibly going back to work. To some extent I feel guilty, but in the long run it makes for a better life for our daughter. Kids in daycare get the social skills and often crawl and walk faster than those kids who stay at home. If you find the right daycare, which my wife and I have they will learn a lot, be in a very clean enivronment and learn to be on their own a little bit. I do not think I am a bad parent, nor do I think my wife is a bad parent. Both my wife and I have very promising careers, and we were to take in two salaries we would be more than comfortable. Not everything is about money, we don't plan to spoil our daughter with eveything she wants, as we want her to learn to work hard for things she wants.
Its not a question of right or wrong, it is a matter of your career aspirations etc.. There is nothing wrong with staying at home, but you also can't throw parents under the bus who both work either.

Answer 8

Being a stay at home mom, I don't think I am a freeloader. I think I am just lucky that we can live on just my husband's salary. However, some people have to work or choose to work, and that is fine too. As long as they give their kids love and attention they are doing the best they can. I don't think there is really a right or wrong answer about whether or not one parent should stay home. It just depends on what works out for each family. Not staying home doesn't make you a bad parent, and staying home doesn't make you a "freeloader".

Answer 9

I think you have very good morals and I agree that, in my opinion, it is better for the children if a parent is home with them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and often have the same ones as their parents. I don't think he is wrong to think that it is ok to put his kids in daycare, but it is wrong of him to think that the parents that stay home with their children are freeloaders. I don't know how long you guys have been together and what your relationship is like, but to disagree on something this important is a big thing. I suggest not having children together unless you can come to some kind of terms...or move on and find someone that has the same values as you do when it comes to important things such as marriage and children.

Answer 10

It all depends on your particular situation but your entitled to your opinion and they are entitled to theirs so I dont think anyone is wrong or right. I know personally I planned to go back to work when my son started school but my husband and I decided that we were doing fine on one income and we both decided I would stay home longer. That being said some people are simply not in a position to be a full time stay at home mom. For instance my friend "planned" on staying home with her daughter but her husbands hours got cut dramatically and with the risk of foreclosure she had to take on a job to help support her family. I dont agree at all that stay at home moms are freeloaders though, that is a load of crap and any mom should understand that. Its probably the way she was brought up, perhaps her mother worked and had to support the family. Its not a bad thing to be a working mom and its not a bad thing to be a SAHM either. Just make sure if this is something you feel strongly about that you and him figure this out beforehand because it will not straighten itself out in the future by itself.

Answer 11

I don't think either of you are completely right. Parents who work, aren't bad parents and mothers who stay home aren't "freeloaders." It depends on each couple and what they have decided for their family.

The cost of living is high and many couples need both incomes to support their families. To say that people who can't afford to have one parent stay home shouldn't have kids is unrealistic. If you have enough money to stay home, consider yourselves blessed.

Maybe you could work part-time as a compromise. My sister-in-law does this and it works well. It gets her out of the house (being a stay-at-home mom isn't all it's cracked up to be). I also think that having kids in a preschool setting helps them prepare for school and grooms their social skills (even if it's just 1/2 days or a few days a week).

Good luck...