Brother/sister issue - Please read & give honest opinion?

Question

I had planned an 56 anniver dinner for my parents on Sat night. My brother chose to go to a wake for a neighbor who committed suicide. (He wasn't close to this guy but did like him.)

I said I thought they should go to the dinner b/c it was 56 yrs & he said "Are you kidding me? You can leave right now". I left without incident (didn't storm out) just quiety left. Then I thought it over, & called him 10 min later & apologized. He "accepted" but still sounded mad.

I am still hurt over this, that he hasn't apologized to me for asking me to leave AFTER I apologized to him. I realized I was wrong but I think he was out of line as well. The whole family seems to be taking his side.

He did come to the house for cake after the Wake, and I acted very normal, asked how the wake was, etc. but I could tell he & his wife felt funny around me.

I have never felt so alone in my life. I am hurt & alone. What should I do?

I know I have to talk to him & tell him how hurt I am but until that time, what am I supposed to do?

We are also a pretty dysfunctional family & I'm not sure he will see my hurt & then what do I do?

Ok people, I never heard him even ONCE mention the guy who died. My parents are in poor health. They may not be here next year. BESIDES I apologized to him but do you really think it was right for him to tell me to leave? Does that seem mature????

And by the way, my parents were disappointed b/c we cancelled the dinner but had the cake anyway. It was too late to cancel that .

Answer 1

I wouldn't say ANYTHING To him. I think he KNOWS you are hurt. Now, HE needs to be a big enough man to come to YOU and say he is sorry, too.
I can understand him wanting to go to the wake, instead of the dinner. It is more important to be with those who are mourning, than those who are celebrating. BUT, he could have explained that to you, instead of acting so much like a spoiled brother. Just go have yourself a good cry, and don't even bring it up to ANYONE again. They will all think that YOU have dealt with it very maturely. Find someone who is not related and doesn't even know any of your family, to VENT to. Just don't go to the family with your feelings. They already decided whose side they understood, so let them be that way. Tomorrow will be a brighter day for you.

Answer 2

Excuse me, but your parents are 'alive and well' and have been together for 56 years. His neighbor just committed suicide and no doubt his family is grief stricken and needed all of the 'help and support' they could get during his 'wake.' A 'wake' is a 'party' but it's NOT a 'happy time' and the fact that your brother chose to go to the wake and not to your parent's anniversary, but DID show up to share the cake is WONDERFUL. You need to 'take a good look' at your own life to see if YOU can't start to 'do things a bit differently' ... sometimes people make 'different choices' from what YOU want, and you shouldn't get 'hurt' or 'feel so alone' because of that ... and you may need some 'counseling' to get at the 'sources of hurt' that are 'within yourself' and not because your brother 'did the wrong thing' ... he did THE RIGHT THING, and you shouldn't feel 'hurt' but very HAPPY he showed up at your parents anniversary at all. Sorry ... that's the way I see your 'problem' ... and I'd be very happy, even if I was his parent, to know that my son 'cared' about someone else and had to 'miss' my party because I'm ALIVE and that 'someone else' is dead and that family NEEDED HIS SUPPORT.

Answer 3

Ah, you shouldn't have said anything to your brother. He is a big boy and after all wanted to go to the wake to pay his respects. He and his wife did come for cake afterwards, so it wasn't like they didn't care enough to come. He probably will not apologize to you because after all, you were the one out of line here. Why try to put a guilt trip on him by telling him how "hurt" you are? Just let it go since you have apologized. After all, maybe you "hurt" his feelings, or is he not allowed to have any? And I really do not understand how you would know exactly "how close" your brother was to the neighbor. He and his wife probably felt badly for the family and felt the family needed all the moral support they could get and showing they cared meant a lot at this time. There is such a stigma surrounding a suicide anyway.

Answer 4

I understand that you thought it was more important to go to your parent's anniversary dinner, and I don't disagree that 56 years is a milestone, but here is where you went wrong: ADULTS DON'T SCOLD ADULTS, PERIOD. You should have just told him the date and time and left it to him and his wife to show up or not. Maybe you don't see it the way I do, but by telling him "You should go to the dinner and not the wake" you were trying to tell him how to live his life and yes, you were trying to control him whether you like to see it that way or not. You were probably conditioned when you were young to do this, esp. if you are older than him, and you don't see it as controlling behavior but it is. He accepted your apology but he's still "mad" as you say because he has probably been through this before and is tired of you playing the bossy sibling role.

You feel hurt and alone because you are hurt and alone now. You can't understand why he is acting this way because you have probably been this way and gotten your way for so long without question (or if people did argue, they eventually gave in to you) that you can't see how wrong it is for a grown sibling to tell another grown sibling what they should be doing. In fact, it is wrong at ANY age. parents who allow or teach a child to tell their siblings what to do are setting up life-long problems.

I'll bet if your brother read this, he'd agree. If you want to fix things, STOP TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO UNLESS HE ASKS FOR YOUR ADVICE.

Answer 5

I don't really understand why he would be mad at you for wanting to go to your parents anniversary dinner. You say you weren't really close with your neighbor. And don't quite understand why you apologized for leaving either.
From my point of view, if you weren't really FRIENDS with the guy that commited suicide, i would think your parent's anniversary would be far more important. To be honest, when first reading your question, i thought it would be more of a "you got offended with him for blowing off your parents party to go to a wake that isn't really his business type thing".
Bottom line, no one should be offended with anyone! You could always talk to him and sort things out. But I would think this will just blow over soon enough. I really don't see what the big fuss is about.
You say the family is taking his side... your family??? your family was at your parents thing, right? ... i don't get it.
I say don't worry too much about it, you're the one that gave your family priority, which is the way it should be.

Answer 6

I think you need to quit looking for an apology from him. It seems as though you won't get it and will remain disappointed if you wait for it. I think you are both justified in your choices. Your parents being married for 56 years is a huge thing....and it should be celebrated...I think it is normal that you would want your brother to acknowledge it as well as the rest of the family.
But as for your brother, how long has he lived next to the man, do you really know what their relationship was like. He was probably extending his support to the survivors and paying respect. I personally have lost a friend to suicide, it is the most shocking thing to ever have to deal with. It kind of spins your whole world sideways....so in that aspect, I can see why he would want to go the wake.
You worked to honor your parents commitment and wanted it to be honored so it normal for you to feel disappointed....but your brother needed to extend himself for this circumstance. If your parents were not offended by your brother's decision then you should try to let it go.
I do not think that either one of you are wrong per say...just agree to disagree. Best of luck.

Answer 7

i don't want to make you seem more sad than you already are, but it was completely your brother's decision. 56 years is a long time, but its not a big celebration date, like 50 or 20th. anniversaries happen once a year, one persons death happens once.
However, you already apologized for the fight, and that is pretty much all you can do about it. Just let go, and move on. If you're family dosen't follow the example, they'll just be making themselves miserable for no reason.

i hope this helps, i hate it when my family gangs up on me!

Answer 8

I was the Black Sheep of my family. I tried to please until at 18 I joined the Navy during Viet Nam.My older sister and I decided at different points to cut ouselves off from the pain of being lied about,humiliated, just after our Grandma died. I raised 4 great kids all college graduates with great jobs, no one in my family has ever sent them as much as a birthday card, but I understand they talk about them like they are best friends. They tell people they helped put my daughter through Medical School, I went to a funeral and in front of 30 0r 35 people I asked my younger sister who seems like your brother how much she paid the school, no recollection, I asked what school, no recollection, I asked what degree? no recollection. I asked my daughter's full name, couldn't say.

And yet they saw she was lying and callled me an ingrate.

There comes a time when you have to stop trying to please everyone and take care of yourself. Your'e not alone, you'll have your own family or be independent. Work on not letting small people hurt you. Took me 45 years. Please don't join the military, that was a big mistake for me, go to school, after school my son joined the Peace Corps and he's seeing the world

Answer 9

I even have a feeling that he could have a soft melancholy. Harvard well-being courses says, "a minimum of three-quarters of sufferers with dysthymia truthfully have a persistent actual ailment or yet another psychiatric illness including between the stress problems, drug habit, or alcoholism". It additionally states; ...data shows that the concern's expertise that he/she types an significant section interior the lives of the folk common to him/her the two close to and plenty holds super promise in helping the concern to administration. Reminders are to take transport of daily and help given freely while asked for. melancholy is a situation confusing to place across in lucid words by using fact there does no longer must be a determinable vector or reason. acquaintances and kinfolk are inspired to be conscious and settle for that they do no longer ought to understand as a fashion to care. Se if could be prepared to talk along with his commonplace practitioner, and he should be honest. Dishonesty is going to get him no the place, different than unmarried returned. He additionally should end ingesting.

Answer 10

Get over it, talk to him to resolve issues. This guy who passed away did not plan to do this when you planned your parents 56 th dinner. You did not really know how much your brother could have cared about this guy who died... wakes/funerals/ death.. do not get put on hold.... so your blowing this whole thing up just because it did not work out YOUR way.