HELP! I asked someone close to me to adopt my baby. She accepted, but now I'm not so sure!!!?

Question

I am 10 weeks pregnant with my second child. I chose to procede with this pregnancy rather than abort, but now I don't know what to do.
Right now I am very unsure of myself as far as being able to provide the kind of lifestyle I wish for any more children. I feel I'm a good mom to my two year old daughter, but fear with another child I will be restricting not only her opportunities in life, but also for the one to come. I plan to go to college to increase my chances of earning a higher income, but I feel with a new baby I will not have the patience and put it off even longer.

I tossed the idea of adoption around in my head for several weeks, with the person in mind who I'd like to adopt this child. She cannot personally have children so she gladly accepted when I asked (of course with some apprehension).

When I asked her if she'd adopt this baby I was so sure that it was the best thing to do for everyone involved, but now I'm scared out of my mind. I don't want anyone to

assume that I abandoned this child. And, selfish as it may sound, I want to always be in this child's life.

I am scared that she will agree to letting me be around and then later change her mind. Legally, everything would be in her favor.

I told her I was sure....but after we started discussing details, I know that I'm not.

Is there anything I can do to let her know that if I do decide to procede that she is who I choose, but that I don't want to talk about it anymore until that time comes?

I know it will dissapoint her, but I just don't want to make this decision solid in advance and then break her heart later......please help me.

I do feel in my heart that adoption is still the best option, I'm just nervous and I don't want her to feel hurt, but I don't want to hurt even more.

Answer 1

You sound like you need more time. Please let yourself have the time that you need. Perhaps you could talk to your friend and explain that you are going to think about this some more, since it is an important decision. There is no hurry. This is your life. You are under no obligation to this friend until you and she make a legal agreement. You may want to ask her to wait to hear from you. If you feel comfortable, tell her you will get back with her by a certain time. It could even be 3-6 months from now. You are not under any time restraint. Pray about it and really think about it. Pray for clarity. Please do not rush into a decision until you feel really good about it.

Answer 2

You know in your heart what is best for your child. I was adopted and am thankful everyday for that and that I have had some wonderful parents. I have now adopted(and hopefully will do so again soon) and while this child originally came from out of the country and I have no contact or even know her birth mom-my friends have adopted domestically and have a good relationship with the bio mom.

It can be done. This particular situation the bio mom is an honorary auntie and while she does not interfere in everyday life, she is still included at birthdays, some holidays if it works out and some everyday stuff if she wants to. (school activities). She even at times takes this girl to lunch and a movie-sort of an Auntie and Me day. The child knows she is adopted although she does not know her "Aunt" is actually her bio mom. However, she will when the time is right and she can properly handle it all. Bio mom kept a journal while pregnant and also wrote her a note(both of which she has copies of) and the "new" mom has those items to give to her daughter when she is older. (i cant remember what age -maybe 18? they decided on)

Best of luck. If you have any doubts then just dont do it. You have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. You are not doing it for your friend-you are doing it for your child. I commend you on thinking of adoption as a wonderful option. But you can choose how much you want to be part of the results.

My heart is with you-Sheri

Answer 3

I think it is wonderful that you are putting so much thought into this life-changing decision. Take the time you need. And remember that any plans you make now might get thrown out the window the minute you hold your baby.

It is important to know that there is no legal protection for "open" adoptions, no matter how many papers are signed and notarized. As soon as an adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents have full custody and NO legal requirement to offer any contact whatsoever. So, you would need to be certain that your friend wouldn't go back on her agreement with you at any time in 18 years.

And please remember that you can give your child love and attention, no matter how much money you make. If you want more education, or you're interested in a field that required specific training, then by all means go to school, but you do not have to have a college degree to make a good life for yourself and your family.

Answer 4

I am an adoptee that reunited with my birthmother after 24 years. It was an amazing experience, and very hard on both of us. We are still very close 8 years later. If you were to have this friend adopt your child, it sounds like it would be an open adoption. I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting to have your child know you - that is a good thing for your child. It is going to be difficult for you and your friend to iron out the details and keep your emotions in check so that you are always putting the child first. It is a lifelong decision. There is no easy choice. It is sad that your friend cannot conceive, but that is not of your concern right now. She will forgive you for your "jumping the gun". Better to have made that mistake than to have made a mistake with the life of your baby. And I'm not saying it would be a mistake - that will be based on how you handle your feelings of loss and how you judge your baby's life to be. You might become very critical of your friend, because she better be the best mother ever if its your baby she is raising! Or maybe you will be able to distance yourself and let go. I would suggest going to an adoption support group and listening to the stories of birthmothers, adoptive parents, and adoptees.
Even if you have to put schooling off for another 5 years and live modestly, you can eventually go back to school. But you can't get your baby back once you sign the papers. And she can't have you back either.

Answer 5

Don't give up your child. If you have any nagging doubt at all, don't do it. No matter how sure you are today, you will have regets. The child may get a quality life with the person who will adopt her, but she will always wonder why you kept your first daughter and gave her away. Quality of life is not just about material things, but about the love and support you can give your child. There are resources out there to assist single mothers--free healthcare, food assistance, etc. You may not be able to give your children everything, but you can give her yourself and your best effort at a good life. You can't expect to give her up for adoption and then be able to be her mother while someone else cares for her and pays her way in life. You may not have meant to get pregnant with a second child, but you did. It seems like you own that child the chance to know and love her mother. Where there's a will, there's a way. You can provide for this second baby and be a good mother to both; it just takes strength and determination. The children you bring into the world should take precedent over your higher education or earning potential. You need to sit down and evaluate what's really important to you in your life and be honest with yourself. Once you do that, you need to sit down with the person you asked to adopt your baby and have a heart to heart with them and let them know what you really feel. It's the only right and fair thing to do for your baby and your friend.

Answer 6

Sweetie, I agree that adoption would be the best option here, but if you do this legally and she agrees to have you a part of the child's life, there will be contracts signed and the odds would not be in her favor if she "changed her mind". If you do things through a lawyer (legally) and sign the paperwork, the only way she could legally make you stay away from the child is if you were a danger to him/her.

And waiting to talk about it until the time comes, well, the best thing is to get the lawyers involved as soon as possible. So the best thing to do is to get it all figured out now, so there isn't any thing that can be twisted as the pregnancy progresses.

Good luck, it is a difficult decision.

Answer 7

Well, you shouldn't have said you were sure in the first place. But don't worry, she may be a bit hurt...but tell her she can be a godmother or something in the babies life (even a babysitter!). Don't think too much, or stress, or you'll hurt the baby before it's even out!

Secondly, you have to keep your first child now, since she's two...but maybe you should think about all your options...you can:
A) Allow this woman to adopt your baby
B) Keep the baby
C) Abort (if it's not too late?)
D) Keep the baby, and make the woman part of her life aswell
E) Allow the woman to adopt the baby, and be part of the babies life also

If you like the idea of any of those, talk to the woman -you hope to give your child to- about the options, and that you're having second thoughts...

Somehow, someone will be hurt in this decision. And by the way, it's not selfish AT ALL to want to be a part of your babies life! I'm sure the woman will be happy that her possible future daughter came from such a great mother!

No one will assume you left the baby, if you decide the woman is adopting him/her. They'll assume you're a loving, caring mother, who wants what's best for her child.

Hope I can help, email me if you want. Good luck!

Answer 8

We are in the process of looking to adopt a child. Since I have had to put a lot of thought into MY decisions I can't help but think about what you birth moms go through making your decisions. This has to be the hardest thing to have to think about. I will pray that you make a decision that you will be 100% ccomfortable with it.

You have 2 issues here:
1. you need to tell your friend that you are not sure what to do and that you are thinking about your options. Not fair to keep them hanging on. If they don't understand then is this where you want to place your child???
2. Next you need to make a decision. There are plenty of Adoption Agencies in your area that have Licensed Counselors that can help you "organize" your thoughts about ALL of your options. This decision cannot be made alone if you are already having second thoughts. You really need to have someone help you go through the pros and cons of being a mother or being a mother who placed their child into another loving home. Adoption Agency's will not talk you into adoption if they are one with the proper ethics. You can also find Pregnant and parenting resources in your community. They can usually help young moms find the appropriate resources should they decide to parent. Best wishes to you and good luck.

Answer 9

This is YOUR baby until the moment you relinquish your rights!!!!

There is NO reason you can't share your adoption plan with whomever you wish!!!

I don't think ANY mother is 100% about anything.

The risk is with the adoptive family. When I adopted my son I knew that there was a chance that she would change her mind and I was a strong enough that I was willing to take that risk. I wanted him bad enough that the pian I could have is SOOOO worth the chance.

So pretty much if you change your mind they'll understand. They are the one's putting themselves out there and by doing this they are saying that they are also willing to take the chance of a great loss just like you are considering. Just try to find peace with your decision.

Take a day (Or 30) to pray. Remove Everyone elses EMOTIONS out of the equation and make your decision based on what you want for yourself and your child. Nothing in concrete 'til papers are signed. Just don't accept ant money or gifts because you'll feel obligated.

Hope this helps and God bless

Answer 10

A child is a very special gift as you must already know if you are mothering a older child as you say you are. Just know that whatever your decision may be that you have to think what is in the best interest of the unborn child. You need to also make sure that the person you are dealing with in the adoption is someone trustworthy and respectful of your feelings and needs as well. I wish you well in whatever you choose to do. Good Luck!!