My husband has some family friends that previously said very untrue things about me that affected my relationship with my in-laws. My father in law was childhood neighbors with this man and they are both from the same village. Being that my in-laws live overseas and had not met me at this point, they took this gossip very seriously. Last year, this person apologized and I feel that I have forgiven him and his wife, but I also do not want to have a close relationship with these people. Now the wife wants to throw me a baby shower, and it would be mostly with people I do not know well, so I declined. Now they are upset that I do not want to be on social terms with them and they call my husband to complain that I am "Talking to them badly." I feel that I have forgiven them for what they did in the past, but I want to protect myself from future hurt by maintaining close relations with them. Is this defeating the nature of forgiveness, or am I entitled to forgive but protect myself?
2007-08-27 05:57:57 · 41 answers · asked by Adela 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
You absolutely do not have to have a close relationship with these people. Maybe you could explain to them that you appreciate the fact that they wanted to throw you a shower, but your family or friends were planning to throw one for you. You could also explain that you would feel uncomfortable because you would not know the people at the shower, but if your family or friends throw it, it will be with the people you know and want to be at the shower. As a kind gesture, you could invite the wife to the shower to show there are no harsh feelings.
Try to be polite to these people, but not overly friendly. I would not trust them if I was you.
Also, explain everything to your husband and tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will understand and not be upset with you.
I hope this helps. Also, congrats on the baby!
Brightest Wishes and Blessed Be!
2007-08-27 06:05:43 · answer #1 · answered by witch_chick_2003 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You already know who you are and don't owe these people anything. Forgiving is the right thing to do but there is nothing that should force you into a friendship or relationship you don't care to have.
Chances are that these people already have a reputation for embellishing so I wouldn't worry about what happens in the future. Just be cordial to them when the situation arises but that's it. If you are an honest and forgiving person (which you seem to be) and can live with your decisions that's all that matters.
Let them ruin each other's lives as that's what will eventually happen anyway. The further away you stay the less likely that you will be dragged into the middle of something.
2007-08-27 06:07:33 · answer #2 · answered by m_c_m_a_n 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Forgiveness is just another word for moving on with your life.
In some cases it is necessary to leave those people behind when you move forward because while you may not hold any ill feelings towards them they may repeat things. If your trust in them has been damaged to a point where it cannot be revived, it may be necessary to forgive and move on... away from them.
In many cases you can forgive and continue with a relationship, but in others you must cut ties with those who did wrong. Only you can decide what is best for you, but you do have the choice to not want to be friends with them anymore.
2007-08-27 06:03:05 · answer #3 · answered by DaveFrehley 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Adela,
I feel you're perfectly within your rights to protect yourself from gossips, and that it's admirable you forgave them for the big bad. Unfortunately they will continue to gossip and complain; there's nothing you can do about that.
I hope your husband understands what is going on. If not, explain it carefully to him until he does. Then perhaps he can help save you from the gossip by denying it to his parents whenever he hears it.
It's sad there are people like that in the world, and that there aren't more forgiving people like you. Oh, another thing you could do is always be sure the gossips know you forgave them for trying to ruin your reputation... repeat that to them if necessary, and even explain why you can't take more invitations from them, speaking very kindly.
Good luck!
2007-08-27 06:11:11 · answer #4 · answered by LK 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I think you can forgive someone but still not be friends with them. Sometimes people just prove themselves untrustworthy or openly hurtful, and I think it's better in those cases to decline to have any kind of relationship with them. I've been in situations where I have repeatedly forgiven and been screwed again several times, and I finally decided to terminate the friendship because I was having trouble forgiving them again and again, and was just feeling resentful. That's no good either, so I just figured it was better overall not to deal with them.
2007-08-27 06:04:56 · answer #5 · answered by Starfall 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can forgive someone, but that doesn't mean that you have to open yourself up to being hurt again.
Once something is forgiven, doesn't mean that the pain isn't still there. That will take time to get over. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have instant trust in what they say anymore.
Tell your husband that he should stand by your side. You didn't feel comfortable with her giving you a baby shower. You shouldn't have to endure it. If she wants to bring you a gift, that is one thing.
To me it sounds slightly underhanded to apologize to you then to run to your husband and say like a child "She doesn't like me! She talks badly toward me!"
2007-08-27 06:04:25 · answer #6 · answered by Sumie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Forgive, but do not forget. I do not blame you for wanting the baby shower or anything else from these people. I would always wonder about their motives, etc. You shouldnot be expected to be friends with people who have stabbed you in the back previously. Even if you don;t hold a grudge against them, you should not have to be friends.
2007-08-27 06:16:20 · answer #7 · answered by country_girl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Absolutely!
Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you need to have a close relationship with them, or any relationship at all. To forgive them means you declare inside that they don't owe you anything - you forgive the 'karmic debt'. You release them from any obligation to you.
But it's also okay to cut them off so they don't accumulate any more damage. Releasing/forgiving them doesn't mean becoming friends. It means letting them go.
I've gone through something similar with various people in my life, some of them family. Finally their abuses overruled any sense of 'family duty' I was struggling with and I decided to really forgive them, but stay away from them to my heart's content. I've been so happy and relieved ever since and my only regret was I didn't do it sooner.
Best of luck to you. May you make peace with your heart.
2007-08-27 06:12:43 · answer #8 · answered by KC 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its great that you have forgiven and forgotten as the saying goes. But you don't have to socialize with anybody that you don't want to . You may have forgiven them for the act, but who wants a friend that will spread rumors and tell untrue things. Not I. I don't blame you.
2007-08-27 06:06:58 · answer #9 · answered by Mommy2 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sure. You can always forgive, but not forget. You have a memory for a reason. The reason is so you don't have that person wind you up in that situation again.
Most of the time forgiving someone is done for your own benefit and peace of mind, not their's.
2007-08-27 06:06:22 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋