Incredibly overbearing Mother in law? She even tries to stop me holding my baby!?

Question

MIL is incredible overbearing, and possessive over the kids. I don't mean affectionate and loving, like a normal grandparent, she actually tries to stop me holding my own son, she was trying to get my 4 year old daughter to call her mommy, and constantly refers to them as 'her' kids.
She isn't critical of me, or anything like that, but what she's doing is so innappropriate, the other day in Walmart a woman was 'clucking' over my son in his stroller, and MIL picked him up and said "yes, he's my beautiful baby boy". The woman thought she was his mother!
What can I say to her, this stuff is happening almost daily, and it's driving me insane.

The only reason she's around so much is that she visits nearly every day, or every second day. Don't worry, I'm putting a stop to that. Also, the stuff with calling her mommy and such she was doing 'on the quiet', we didn't know until I caught her one day! I'm wondering more if I should speak to someone in her family about her, she seems to be in need of help?

Answer 1

Family like her makes people move out of the state. She is obviously "neurotic". She sounds like she may feel that she was somewhat of a failure raising her own children and is going to "get it right" thru yours. She has crossed the line. You know it, but, how does you husband feel? You can't live a life with an a Monster-in-law lurking about. Every "normal" mistake a parent makes in the rearing of their offspring will be "magnified " with her scrutiny and interference. If you can't afford to re-locate to another state you need some "allies" that at least have a sympathetic ear. If your husband can't or refuses to see the problem, then he is a part of it. Try to give your Mom & Dad more time with your children if possible. Always have another person arond when MIL is around to see if she will keep her "behavior" in check. The only other thing to do is to have some "alone" time with her and let her know she is interfering with your relationship with your own children. You know that you can't live your life "un doing" what she has done with every visit. Get more involved with other Moms your own age and develope a social life for you and your children. Good luck.

Answer 2

As hard as it will be to do so, you will have to put a stop to this. It almost seems that she is obsessed with your children and believe it or not this is very unhealthy for your children to be learning from their relationship with her. Depending on the type of person she is and how you feel she will react to your confronting her, you will have to weigh out your options. Maybe sit her down and tell her in a very nice way that it "really" bothers you that she is doing these things and be brutally honest with her during this process so she will understand how bad this is bothering you. At the same time, tell her that you appreciate the fact that she admires your children so much but that you feel there is a line that should not be crossed. Let her know your boundaries. If she doesn't know then she will try you to see how far you will allow her to go. Some MIL try to continue to run their son's homes after they have moved on with their lives. My son and his wife just had a baby and I am trying to be very aware of my DIL feelings. I hope this works out for you. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Jackson's Mom....this sounds crazy, but i think i live down the street from you...if i will do the preserves will make enough sense. But if i don't lets see if i have any advice. My MIL is EXACTLY the same way! It drives me absolutely nuts when she calls her "her baby". Please....as soon as she spends 18 hours in labor after carrying my little girl for 10...not 9 months we will talk. Anyway...the best thing i can usually do for myself is unload on girlfriends. Unfortunately I am new to the area and this is a little tough....but they usually can understand where I am coming from. Also, I have a kind of theme song that I use to soothe myself...it is kind of dorky...but also seems to work. Let's just say the main line is "Hate is a strong word....but I really really really don't like you". My husband always makes fun of the song, but he doesn't know how much it helps when I am so wound up. Of course the worst thing we can do is unload on our husbands...especially since it won't help, and will just leave them feeling helpless. My last piece of advice....remember that your husband is a result of her. Usually this helps me too. Although I rarely if ever see the likeness, it helps me to stay calm and be grateful for at least one thing she has done with her life. Anyway...hope this helps. And if this is Jackson from down the street, baby Joie says hi. I should also add, we used to live 30 mins from them, and they would stop in all the time....no we moved 2 hours away (by plane), and they come for a week at a time every two months...I haven't decided what is worse...but you should definitley say something to her....or have your husband say something.

Answer 4

This is your husband's mother, right? What does he have to say about his mother's actions? I have seen cases where the adult son will not deal with his mother because of his wife. The wife takes control and the son becomes a whimp, even towards his mother. (Not saying this is the case, but I am trying to hit couple of reasons, why people act certain ways). The decision should not be up to you decide to drop all ties with your mother n law. If anything, you should be trying to make sure that she and her son have a healthy adult son / mother relationship for the children and whole family dynamics. Your husband should try talking to his mother, maybe she is trying to get his attention. If he ignores her, that is probably the problem. I would not suggest that you cut ties with her, after all she is your children's grandmother (even if she does not act like one). Just because a man gets a wife, he still has to remember the woman who brought him into this world and hopefully raised him to be a respectable adult and a positive role model for his family. Have her to come over to your home (without the boyfriend) since you don't trust him. That way, she can visit the children, you and her son and you can monitor anything you feel you may need to monitor. It is very important for the children to know their grandmother whether you approve of her life style or not. As long she acts accordingly when she is in front of them is all you need to concern yourself with. You don't have to take her on vacations, but always let her feel she is part of the HER family and especially her son. It sounds like she has a case of "attentionitis". Spend good quality time with her and have your husband (her son) talk to her and be an adult son, that is probably what is missing. Sorry if I was redundant. Hope my backyard advice helps in some way.

Answer 5

My mother-in-law passed away before I ever met my husband, so I sometimes am jealous of people who complain about their MILs (they at least have one to complain about), but your situation is not something I would have wanted to deal with.

Does your husband share your feelings? Does he notice what she's doing? Have you talked to him about it? If he thinks you're overreacting or agrees with his mother, the first thing you need to do is make him see how wrong this is. You need to get him on your side before any kind of confrontation with your mother-in-law.

It sounds like you either live together or close enough that casual drop-ins are normal. Ideally, you need to move! You need to be far enough away that it's inconvenient for casual visits. That way, she'll become less involved in their daily lives and her occasional visits will be easier to tolerate.

It sounds to me, like she has some serious issues. If moving isn't an option, you need to sit down with her (it will help a ton if your husband is supportive), and explain to her why what she is doing is inappropriate. Give concrete examples (dates, times, places) that you have written down.

Start out by telling her that you're glad she's in your childrens' lives, and that you think she's a good Grandmother to your children (or whatever compliments you can come up with), but that she needs to remember she's the Grandmother and not the mother.

The MIL may not be ready to face being a Grandma yet. She may need help in seeing that being a grandma doesn't make her old. Try and be compassionate and understanding of her concerns, but she really does need to realize that she is the Grandma, whether she's ready for it or not.

~Kyanna

Answer 6

Is there a reason your around her so much? There is no reason she should be trying to get your daughter to call her mommy. That's completely inappropriate. I guess I would start by making your husband talk to her. Also, don't hang around her so much. DO you live with her or something? My boyfriend's mom drives me nuts, but she is in no way like your MIL. I just avoid her if I can. Your husband really should say something to her, she is out of line!!!
Nicely put as usual Dalice.

Answer 7

Your husband needs to step in and take care of this. If he won't do it, he is going to cause serious problems. My wife always tells me, a mother and a mother in law are totally different things. Your own mother you feel comofrtable telling her off but with your mother in law its sort of is not your place even though the issue involves your kids and your feelings.

You and your husband need to set boundaries with her. First of all there is no reason what so ever she needs to visit all the time. I assume you are a healthy able bodied person who can handle everyday tasks, in other words you dont need a babysitter. You are the parent you make the decisions, if you want to go to Wal-Mart or any other store either go when she is not their, or tell her you are going out with the kids and you would like to spend some time alone with them.
It is not healthy the way she is almost taking over your life and house. In order to maintain the health of your marriage as well as your mental health, you mother in law needs to either back off or realize the things she is saying are hurtful.

Answer 8

Is she delusional? Seriously. Or, does she just want people to think she's young enough to be a new mom?

This sounds weird to me. Have you talked to her about this? It's completely inappropriate. I would put a little distance between the two of you for a while. I'm not saying to keep her away or anything like that, but there is no reason why you have to see this woman daily if she drives you crazy.

Answer 9

I pretty much agree with everyone's answers here. Take everyone's advice! But in all honesty, you CAN'T sugarcoat the truth. Be blunt, and make sure your hsband supports you and backs you up 100%. Be firm and if you come across sounding hostile or angry, you have every right to be. MIL is taking advantage of you becasue you are allowing it. Time to stand up against her power trip and take control of your children. It won't be easy, but all your bottled up resentment will overflow one day at the most inopportune time and you will regret it. By chosing your words carefully, it shows you are the bigger person AND the true parent of your children.

Best of luck to you. Post an update after you talk to MIL.

Answer 10

You need to confront her about it. Its beyond overbearing, its disgusting and harmful to the children.

They need to have a grandmother, yes, but not the confusion about who is mom.

Tell her you dont appreciate her pretending to be their mother, and stepping in on your territory as mom. Encourage her that you want her to be their grandmother and to have an active part in their lives, but that you will have to limit their contact if she cannot respect you as mom, and your boundries as such.

If it means that she cannot be alone with the kids, or that she cannot be out with you and the kids, so be it. Boundries must be in place for your sanity and for the development of the kids.

If she's providing a service for you, such as child care or a ride, or giving you money, it may mean putting an end to those things as well.

People will only do what you let them. She does this because you allow her.