Question for those who waited until marriage to have sex?

Question

First let me say that I myself didn't wait, and I couldn't be happier. I am currently dating a girl who wants to wait, which could be a moot point because I don't even know if we're going to get married, but my question is this:

The standard "joke," as it were, is that after marriage couples generally cut way down on how much sex they have. So, if you wait until you're married, do you have a whole bunch of sex for years and years and years? Or do you only do it every now and then? And is the sex really good, or just utilitarian? I was thinking in my head that being with this girl and not having sex with her would be kind of practice for marriage, since married couples don't have sex much. But maybe I'm wrong, and I'd like some input from those who have experience in this area.

I'm not asking what will happen if WE wait (which of course how could you know), just asking about other people's experiences who have waited. It always seemed to me that really strict Christians probably didn't have great sex but maybe I'm wrong.

By the way just so everybody knows, of course I'm going to respect her wishes, that wasn't what the question was about. Sorry if I wasn't clear about that.

Answer 1

I did wait with my husband, but I was experienced sexually because I was raised atheist and had no reason to wait. My parents expected me to have sex as a teen and I did (well, I held off until I was 18, but I was still a teen).

I became a Christian and took a vow of celibacy until marriage shortly before my 25th birthday. I got married shortly before my 30th birthday, so you see, I have experience with both waiting and not waiting to compare. I've now been married 13 years.

Whether or not you wait until marriage, there's always a lot of sex once you start having it with a partner, right at the beginning. Seems like that's all you really want to do once you start it. And then after a bit, it tapers off. Perhaps in your experience -- like mine -- when you are having sex with the person you are dating and the sex starts tapering off, you start to think that the relationship isn't working out very well and you break it off. Then you repeat the same cycle with the next girl.

That's one of the problems with sex before marriage. It's usually way too early in the relationship for the relationship to sustain the eventual tapering off of sexual frequency. In other words, you spend so much time getting the sex right, you haven't taken enough time to get the rest of the relationship right, and then when the sex starts to not be as frequent, you think the whole relationship tanked.

For couples who wait until marriage, there is also a higher frequency right when they start having sex -- that part isn't any different. And yeah, it does taper off -- that part isn't different, either. The difference is that you don't feel like chucking the relationship when it does taper off, because you didn't have sex distracting you in the early stages of the relationship, so you were able to build a firmer foundation of intellectual, emotional, spiritual and social unity.

The rate of tapering off varies with each relationship, married or not, because the tapering off is caused by lots of different things: work, illness, a baby, financial trouble, etc. Mostly it's because sex is between the two of you and after a bit, you realize that you also need to have time with friends and family -- can't just bang the day away, every day.

To answer your other questions:

My husband and I have sex slightly more often per week than the national average after 13 years of marriage. There's been times we've had less (during a difficult pregnancy, we actually had to be abstinent for about 3 months)...There's been times we've had more (ummmm...honeymoon for sure, probably some other phases). One of the biggest killers to libido is actually hormonal birth control, so we've found that chucking birth control actually made sex more desirable and satisfying. And no, we don't have loads of kids, only 3 -- I track my ovulatory patterns so we know when sex will probably make a baby and when it won't.

Without a doubt, sex is far, far, far BETTER with my husband than any of the lovers I had as a young adult. I knew he'd be a good lover when he made a commitment to wait until marriage, because obviously, he is willing to put aside his own needs to take care of mine first and foremost. What more can you ask for? (And yes, I do the same for him).

Sex in any relationship can get utilitarian if you let it. But you don't have to let it get that way.

Oh, and p.s., while sex is important, fun, fulfilling and necessary, there's lots, lots more to a marriage.

Answer 2

I waited, my wife didnt. Do I think I missed out on anything? No. If I do it all over again, would I wait? Yes.

I have nothing to compare my wife to nor do I want to compare. Everytime we try something it is a first for me. I did not come into the relationship with anything in my mind about what another girl did (or could do). She has no expectations to live up to nor will she ever. We learn about each other and what makes each other "tick."

Like I said, she didnt wait. However she didnt have but two guys before me so she didnt have that much experience. We've done things that were new for her (and me, of course). Would she wait if given another chance? I dunno. There is a part of her that says yes in respect to me and another part of her (and me, too) that says no, because her past made her who I love. I've never felt that I had to compete with her past, mainly because I know the two a**holes. It would be like competeing with a paraplegic in a foot race.

As for frequency, I would like more. If I truly had my way, we would never leave the bed. But alas, we have to work and feed the kids.

You should respect her wishes. If it is a problem for you, then find someone else. Of course, if you dont see yourself marrying her (or the possibility in the future) then why date (sex or no sex)?

EDIT: Just read Sparki777's answer and I have to say that sex w/o birth control is SCARY (like Russian roulette)! We also have three kids (well the third is on the way). So to get around that libido-killing pill, I had a vasectomy! Of course, the other libido killer is pregnancy, which I am dealing with (along with recovery) right now.

Answer 3

If you've been with someone for a year and you always wanted to have sex with them. Finally, when the day comes, I would think you would have sex so many times because you have been holding out for so long. Just like a dieter who binges after restraining for so long.

If have been having sex for a year, there is no way that having sex for first time after being married will be the same as never having it before. It will be different. Whether you will have sex for more years because you waited will be different for everyone. Some people keep that attraction alive and some don't

Answer 4

I am a girl who is not married and has waited to have sex. You should respect her standards. Especially since you know that you might not even marry this girl. That is something that she will NEVER get back. It's a one time thing. There are no "re-do's" Sex w/o marriage might be an expierience (for a moment...then just a memory), but sex in marraige will be an encounter (life changing, and for a life time).

Answer 5

Both my wife and I waited until we were married. This is a very personal area but I'll share our experience:

- It was slow starting in the beginning because we were both so inexperienced. There were challenges to overcome.
- Over time we grew together in our ability to read and please each other.
- The frequency (times per week) continued to increase until we decided to have kids.
- Now that we have kids we find we have time for sex about once per week.
- I expect that as the kids get older/more independent the frequency will increase again.
- We have been married 19 years and it just keeps getting better because we can give ourselves to one-another completely.

Answer 6

My sex life is private. But I will tell you this, I have no regrets for waiting until I was married to have sex. And I have been married for 31 years to the same man, and I love him more now than ever and every day I love him more. We have a fantastic sex life and an active sex life, and that's all I'm saying. Oh and we are grandparents! Just wanted to creep you out a little, :-)

Answer 7

Just as I thought I'm the only one here.... LOL
Well I didn't wait either though I was curious to see who did.
Maybe I should give it more time LOL

It is my experience that if you both are willing to spice it up once a week.... than yes you can still have a great sex life.

You both have to be willing to do that though..... and HE will have to learn to be a romantic at times... flowers and little gifts of appreciation..... compassionate etc...

When a guy comes home, pops open a beer and sits in front of the TV before he even acknowledges his wife is in the house.... it's kind of a turn off. LOL

Same can be said for women doing letting out a big burp and farting in front of their hubby..... cute for a bit but, nah!
LOL

You just have to keep it spicey.

Answer 8

well first let me just say that Ive been married for 9 and a half yrs and we still have sex at least every other day . It did cut back a little right after I had my baby and also for a period of time when he was working nights and I was working days...its called being a grown up and having responsibilities.

Answer 9

No, whether you wait or not, you will still have more sex during the first 18 months than you will for the remainder of your marriage, even if you stay married for life (unlikely as that may be).

Answer 10

For me, waiting was a matter of not treating sex casually. I wanted to have sex with someone with whom I had a solid relationship and about whom I cared deeply, not just someone to whom I was attracted physically. I was brought up to believe that was the honorable thing to do. To have sex with someone just for the physical pleasure was to show disrespect for the girl, myself, and the whole idea of intimacy.