Bridesmaid Problems.. how to tell someone no?

Question

I am getting married next August. I have already asked 3 of my bridesmaids. The 2 are soo excited, but the third one said, "I dont know.. I'll try." Shes upset she is not the maid of honor, She said she expected it since we have been friends for 11 years. I dont think years= value of friendship. I am also having a adult recpetion and she is upset she cannot bring her two kids. She said she cant find a babysitter and she doesnt know if she can get off work that day.

I know life must be different with two kids and all, but it doesnt even seem like shes excited. My fiancee is telling me to kick her out, but I dont want to be too mean about it. She already said she probably wont make it to the bridal shower/bachorette party. I'm upset cause i am afraid this will ruin our friendship. Please, I could use some unbiased opionons here. My weddings not for a year, is it too early to ask for a yes or no?

Answer 1

I had three bridesmaids. Two were honored and happy and were wonderful. I didn't ask much and they were happy to help with anything that I asked. One is married with a 5 year old. The other is single with no kids, but a very full life. Every picture of the two of them shows them smiling and having a good time.

The third I think was happy to be in the wedding, but not as much as the others. She has a hubby and two kids. She did make most of the pre-wedding stuff. The only thing she missed was the home spa night I had for them. Some of the pictures of her looked like she didn't want to be there. SHe smiled in the formal pictures but not as much in the candids. I don't think it was a reflection of our friendship, but more her personality and all the other things going on in her life.

I look back and think I should have asked this other friend that was a former co-worker. She actually showed up to help with a lot of the planning and she wasn't even a bridesmaid. I kind of wish I had asked her instead.

I chose the girls based on length of friendship. I have known the three of them since I was in school... between 20 - 30 years. The one I didn't ask I had only known about 2 years.

Include friends who consider it an honor rather than a chore. To salvage the friendship, just tell her that you didn't want to have her jeopardize her job if she couldn't get the time off, or that you don't want her to have to worry about getting a babysitter or something like that. Tell her that your feelings are not hurt that she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid and maybe find an easier way to include her... like have her do a reading instead.

Answer 2

Life is different in many ways with two kids---financially and priority-wise. She may not be able to get and pay good babysitters to watch her kids for the many events and obligations that go along with being a bridesmaid. She also may not be able to afford paying for the babysitters, gifts, clothes, dress, shoes, etc. which go along with all of it. It might be hard for her to tell you all of this or may be afriad it will affect your friendship which it absolutely should not. If you are such good friends for 11 years you should be able to sit down for an honest heart to heart about the situation. I was the maid of honor for my best friend a few years ago when my son was 3. The expenses were huge as were the demands on my time for the showers, parties, shopping, etc. To be brutally honest I was not that excited about it because my life had taken such a different turn with the birth of my son. I was thrilled for her but my priority was now my son. This is something I could never have understood before becoming a parent so don't even try to. Just try to be understanding towards her. She on the other hand should be prepared (and comfortable enough with you) to say no if she has too. You must be prepared to respect her decision. To a new bride the wedding is the most exciting and important thing in the world but in the scope of reality it is nothing.

Answer 3

I think you are right to have concerns about this. Honestly, she can't find a babysitter for one night a YEAR from now?? How does she know? And she can't make it to a bachelorette party next year? And most bosses will let a person off work for a friend's wedding so that's a weird excuse.
Sit down over lunch/dinner or coffee with her and explain your concerns. Say something like you know it's an inconveniece for her to find a babysitter but you really would prefer no children (it's becoming more and more common). If you think she's upset about not being MOH, address it up front and explain to her why you chose the other girl (rather than why you didn't choose her).
If you don't want to ask her to step down you have a couple of choices: (1) give her the option to step down herself then you won't look like the bad guy. (2) give her a time limit to commit and if she still is unsure, then that can be your excuse for not having her in the party.
You may have to end up asking her to step down. Trust me, if she continues with this behavior it will cause a lot of stress on you in the next year.

Answer 4

Is she really unhappy about not being chosen MOH or is it that she can't afford to be a bridesmaid period? It does sound like she's making excuses, but maybe you should talk to her. Tell her that you'd really like to have her as part of the wedding party but you really need a definitive answer on whether or not she is going to participate by such and such a date because of all the planning involved. Tell her how much her friendship means to you (not sure if you want to mention that your MOH has done a lot for you too and that's why you chose her) and if you could that all of your bridesmaids would be MOH's.

About the kids, does she have family around that she can count on to help her out? Babysitters are expensive and if she doesn't have family around that could be a real issue for her. Perhaps you can suggest a trusted coworker of hers or someone that you know she trusts who is not invited to the wedding. You're talking about babysitting for several events here, the bachelorette party, the shower, the rehearsal, the wedding... that is a very big consideration.

Answer 5

Have a talk with her tell her that you her to be a part of your special day. If your wedding is year away then I would suggest that you wait about another 6 months , maybe she will be able to find a babysitter and be able to know for sure whether she can get off of work. And also tell her that you don't want this to ruin your relationship. Before you talk to her try to play out the outcome of different scenarios in your mind , so you will have an idea of how you want to handle things. I hope that this helped. Good Luck. (And she says no about being in the wedding ,ask another friend to be your 3rd bridesmaid. And tell her that you still hope that you two can still be friends.)

Answer 6

Tell your friend that she is very important to you, and that you very much want her to be a big part of your wedding. But you are concerned that being away from home so much -- showers, rehearsals, hen parties, centerpiece luncheons, etc -- is a hardship. Ask her to help you create a special role that will let you honor her, but that doesn't entail all the running around and socializing expected of a bridesmaid.

That said, there is no rule that you can't have both a maid and a matron of honor. And there is no rule that says the matron of honor has to buy a matching dress, or stand at the alter. If this "reduced stress, reduced expense, reduced childcare" role seems to be a burden, then it's time to offer her the opportunity to resign with no hard feelings.

Answer 7

I know I shouldn't make any assumptions because I don't know anything about your friend....Let me know if I am way off base but here is a possibility. I have known people that want to be "in charge" and want to be #1. being your friend she should not expect you to pick her as maid of honor. She is putting you in an uncomfortable position. This is YOUR special day....Not hers. Explain to her that even though you picked someone else it does not mean you value her friendship any less. As far as her kids coming to your adult reception, do not feel bad, she might be upset and wanting to see your reaction. If she can't be maid of honor then she will find other excuses. Her saying she can't the bridal shower is just another way to control you and the decisions you have made. She is being childish. Sounds to me that she wants your special day "her way" you will need to let her know that you have made your wedding plans to suit you and if she is unable to participate that you will miss have her as part of the wedding. Some people when they see that you will not back down and let them have it their way they will come around.
As far as no babysitter.....That is another childish attempt, How can she say she knows she can't get a baby sitter in a year from now.

Answer 8

So sorry that your friend is unable to be supportive.
1.) a year's notice is plenty of time to find a babysitter and to ask for the day off work.
2.) I agree that the number of years you have known each other does not =MOH.
Solution: Ask her out to lunch or dinner, just the two of you. Tell her you understand that she has the responsiblity to her work and to her children and if she finds that committing to being a bride's maid is too much on top of her other responsibilities, please let you help by assigning the position and it's duties to someone else because you dont want to add to her stress.
This gives both you and her a gracious way to back out and preserves your relationship.

Answer 9

It's nice that your wedding is still a year away and you have continuous time to plan.

I would seriously sit this friend down and ask her if she truly wants to be part of your wedding. If she hesitates or says she's not sure again, tell her it's very important to have people who will be supportive and fun in your bridal party. It might strain the friendship, but if she was really your friend she would've been excited from the start.

Answer 10

I dont think its too early. If she is giving you all of these excuses, then maybe she really doesn't want to be in the wedding in the first place(especially with her maid of honor comment). I would just come out and ask her if she wants to be in it or not and gently let her know that you need to know before you start finalizing plans like dresses, parties and the like. If she refuses to give you an answer still, then you might have to be alittle rude about it. A true friend to me would be happy that you picked them to be in your wedding, regardless of the position. Good luck on this and congrats on your engagement!