Why do people expect all women to want children?

Question

I do not hate children.I have lots of cousins and nieces who get nothing but love and hundreds of toys when they see me.But as for myself , i have opted out of race for baby quilts.Everybody I know always ask me ,gently and rudely,when am I going to have kids.When i say i won't ,they shrug and say that i will change my mind like i had not even spoke.If men are allowed to have their lives the way that they want it without further comment,why can't i?No one has asked my younger brother ,who is 22,when he will start making babies.I,m just 3 years older than he is!!!

Answer 1

Misery loves company my dear. They just want to see if your as smart at raising kids as you are at living your life.

It's not selfish to not want kids, it's having incredible foresight.

Answer 2

Cause women are pre programmed to have children. Biological clock an dall that.
That's not to say you can't hit the snooze button permanently.
I think the maternal instinct may be stronger in some,than others..
Thats not to say childless people can't love kids

Answer 3

I am 34. I like you do not want kids. People say the exact same thing to me "you'll change your mind." People have been telling me that since I was 14. The only thing I can figure is that society beats into our heads that we are to marry and make babies. Men on the other hand are told to sew their wild oats then later get married and have babies. But, guys are still allowed to sew their wild oats provided they don't get caught. (They will start asking your brother when he is around 25.)

Best thing to do is just let them talk like you didn't say it. I assume the ones who have kids say it cause they are jealous you still have and plan to keep your freedom? Bad thing to say but it's a possible theory.

My favorite lines after they say, "oh you'll change your mind," are...
"See this, this is a baby free zone." make a small circle with your hand over your chest.

or

"Sorry, this is a practice zone only." with the same hand circle.

or to the rude ones.....

"Wow okay, well I didn't want to go here but since you are being rude. I can't have children. Happy now?"

Answer 4

there are tons of women who dont have children, just tell them that you are not ready to have children and that you dont think you'll ever be ready and that is entirely up to you if you decide to, and yeah i agree with you about the whole gender roles, guys are pretty much free to do whatever they want, they are just irresponsible like that, well idk people say that a woman's greatest joy is to have children, i agree for myself but not every woman has to do the same, its your life, its yours to live screw those people who try to make you feel odd

Answer 5

I don't think everyone expects women to want children. I would personally prefer someone who says they "hate kids" not to have kids. There are enough abused and unwanted kids in the world because mothers didn't have maternal desire to take care of them. You are doing the world a favor by not having kids! There's nothing wrong with that.

Answer 6

Maybe, it's because they want to compare their kids against yours.

Answer 7

Despite the potential negative reaction from friends and families, many women, such as teacher Samantha Henderson, make the decision to live without raising children of their own.

"Every woman's dream is supposedly to have children. Does this mean I am not a woman, because I have chosen not to have any? No," said Henderson. "Instead, it makes me responsible for my actions."

Statistics show that more women are choosing to remain childless as they pursue careers and lives that don't focus on raising children. The U.S. Census found that the percentage of women in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s who don't have children has been growing over the past decade. According to The Social Health of Marriage in America, a report from the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, in 2004 almost one out of five women in their early 40s was childless. In 1976, it was one out of 10.

Visions Of Life Change

"Childlessness is growing in the U.S., and the reason is that more and more women are becoming educated and entering the work world," said Cain. "They're in a position to make some powerful decisions in their lives."

And, she said, sometimes they didn't know that they would decide not to start a family.

"(Childless women) didn't think they'd be childless. They always thought they'd have children," said Cain. "Often, their jobs took up a lot of energy, and they decided life was too frantic, or they didn't feel that being a working woman and a mother blended in a way they thought was right."

Cain said that these are not the "tragically childless" or those who made the decision when they were young.

"One thing that surprised me was how many childless people were in the service field as nurses, teachers or therapists," she said. "They are very nurturing people, by nature."

How Society Reacts

"We are a hypocritical society," said Cain. "On one hand, we tell women that they have the right to have an abortion, but we expect them to have children at some point in their lives."

If we're going to champion women's rights, we can't pass judgment onto those who choose to live their lives without having children, Cain said.

"Many believe that you're not whole if you don't have children," said Cain. "The expectation is that if you marry, the next step is to have a child. For some people, that is the right choice, but for others, it isn't correct."

It's apparent, when viewing census statistics, that more adults feel that a childfree lifestyle is correct for them. According to the U.S. Census Bureau report on Fertility in American Women, in 2004, 44 percent of American women of childbearing ages were childless. That's an increase from 35 percent of women in 1976.

"I stand by my decision (not to have children)," said Henderson. "I get asked from time to time whether or not I plan on having children. I simply tell them, 'No,' and leave it at that."

"I shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone," she said.

Living Childless

Children may bring joy to people's lives, but Cain said studies have suggested that childless families are happiest.

"There isn't a division of energies or financial drain; you have the chance to follow your choices, develop yourself and go further in business," she said.

Choosing to be childless isn't all about self-development. Often, friends and family members are perplexed by the decision to not have children. It can be stressful for adults to deal with those close to them asking when they are going to have a child. It is understandable if a woman's mother wants a grandchild, but that woman doesn't need to take that stress and pressure on herself, simply because her mother has a desire to be a grandparent, Cain said.

"No woman should have children to fulfill someone else's needs," said Cain.

When a woman is approached with the question of why she is are childless, Cain suggests a few responses.

"You can be upfront and tell them, 'We have made the decision to not have children,'" she said. "Or tell them, 'We're thinking about it' and let it unfold."

Don't All Women Love Children?

"Just because people tell you that you'd make a great mother doesn't mean you have to have children," said Cain. "There's a big difference between appreciating children and wanting to have them."

Some may argue that choosing to be childless is a selfish decision. Others counter that choosing to have children because you want them is also a selfish decision.

"My dream was to have a positive impact on people's lives," said Henderson. "As a teacher, I have accomplished that goal."

Despite other ways of giving, sometimes women without kids do feel like they did something wrong.

"Childless women in their 50s, who were raised in a more traditional society, have a sense of guilt about not having children," said Cain. "Younger women are determining what they want for themselves."

But the judgment of others comes naturally.

"It's upsetting to walk into a meeting with someone whose child is sick at home with a 103-degree temperature," said Cain. "You wonder about priorities. 'Why isn't she at home with them?'"

Later In Life

Some people also wonder what will happen to women without a brood when they age.

But parents who have children with the expectation that their children will care for them in their older years can be disappointed. Often, children offer little more than a few visits a year.

"Having children to take care of you as you get older is selfish," said Cain. "If you were a good parent, you would nurture your children and raise them to take care of their dreams, not care for their parents."

It is understandable to be concerned about the older years, but those who choose to be childless seem unconcerned -- emotionally and financially. According to TheSeniorJournal.com, Baby Boomers without children fare just as well during their retirement years as their peers with children.

Many communities developed for retirees focus on active lifestyles and self-sufficiency. Individuals find that these communities offer something far different from the nursing homes from years past.

"Now that things are changing, it will be interesting to see the power and influence these women have in the future," said Cain.