I'm having so much trouble with my teen son (almost 18)?

Question

I don't know what to do with him anymore. He's out of control, very disrespecftul, doesn't want to follow any of our house rules, goes out all night, thinks our house is his hotel and restaurant, doesn't care about anybody but himself, is rude, got kicked out of school last year, has been working for my husband (because nobody will hire him with a grade 9) since January and will loose that job if he takes another day off because he's too tired from having gone out too late (he's on strike 2 right now). I'm exhausted, frustrated, at the end of my rope, sad, depressed. He's been acting like this for almost 2 years now. I caught him stealing a couple of times (doesn't seem to have any remorse about it) started smoking cigarettes last year, drinks (but have never seen him drunk). I have searched his room many many times, never any hints of drugs (thank God). Please anybody!! Help me!!

Answer 1

Generally speaking, setting firm rules and boundaries, no matter how uncomfortable, may be the only option you have. Often people will act this way because they feel as though they can get away with it without any serious repercussions. A tough choice to make, and really tough to give better advice without knowing more details on the situation. Your best bet would be to contact whatever your local county/state mental health agency (or private insurance) and maybe see about family counseling should you be able to get him involved. Since he isn't quite 18 yet, you also may want to contact whatever your state's version of Children and Youth Services is since they can often give assistance to families in crises similar to yours. I wish you the best.

Answer 2

I am not a parent, but I was once 18. I am 21 right now so if you want to take my age in account, there you have such information.
I believe that even though you give a lot of information about his behavior you still haven't said anything about his enviroment (friends, school when attented, household, etc) and that really is the cause of everything.
When I turned 17 I turned what some call "goth" and starting acting a little like your son (although i didnt get that far). I wasn't happy because I didnt like my friends (but they were the only people that wanted to be friends with me), I dropped out fo college because I was flunking and I didnt like the major I was in, I lived in a very busy city where I had to take the bus to go everywhere and there was traffic all the time... Bottom line, I was frustrated with the life I had so instead of trying to change everything outside, I changed the way I look and styled and started to smoke and be promiscous. Then I turned to selfmutilation for pain relieve (which never really help but I thought it did).
Now, here comes the hard part. How did I change from there to now? (I am a total different person). Very "easy", only myself could. My mom did send me to therapy but it never really helped because it was taking so long. So at the end, I saw light at the end of my tunnel by realizing I had to change everything, house, city, people, friends, colleges and jobs. And so I did and now I am so different. So my suggestions is, since he is not coming to that by himself now, and I know is very hard to do but it is the only answer I can give you from my experience, move and change your life. Make him start from scratch, with that he will feel like he has a chance to start all over again, and I assure you he wont make the same mistakes he made before, which he knows he made. If you wish to talk further more, add me as a friend.

Answer 3

Drinking, doing drugs, staying out all night and smoking cigarettes are apart of a teenagers life. Get over it. Also, what kind of house rules is he supposed to be following anyways? He can make his own choices, get off his back.

As for the stealing, only having a grade 9 education, and disrespecting you--hello make him go back to school or kick him to the curb. There's no excuse for ANYBODY to not be able to finish high school. And if he cant do that, then see how well he survives on his own.

Answer 4

Kick his butt out when 18 comes give him enough money to get an apartment, some food, and tell him to hit the road. He will find out the realities of life real quick. You know that he is capable I am sure of taking care of himself but why should he when he has a free ride and mom and dad are always there to pick up the pieces. He has been able so far to run over you both and slide through life without any punishment so now is the time as late as it may be to let him know that it is time to be a man and stand on his own two feet. He will either sink or swim its up to him but hey you guys wont be around forever to baby him. Good luck.

Answer 5

This sounds like a serious problem, and I somehow think that this isn't the place where you should ask for advice. First you need to confront your son, and tell him your fears and stuff. He will probably act as if he doesn't care, but you must be firm and make him listen and understand your concerns and where you're coming from. You should also ask him what he thinks, and why he is acting this way. He may have problems and is taking them out on you. Tell him that you are there for him and that if he needs anything you will do it (assuming it is within reason). If this does not work, then maybe force him to go to therapy with your so that you can both get your feelings out on the table. It will be hard to get him to really understand you, but you must be willing to put in the work in order to make your relationship work.

Answer 6

Tell him that the next time he leaves the house and isn't home by midnight, you will leave his possessions outside for anyone to steal. Then do it. Get together with your husband and tell your son what the rules are and what you will do if he breaks them again. Give him consequences that he cares about, like selling his possessions (if you own them). Also, if it's your car, take the keys, and if it's your car insurance he's on, cancel it. If you pay the cell phone bill, stop. If there's a TV in his room that you own, take it away. You can also go to a parenting class.

Answer 7

Go to a Tough love Meeting, or get in contact with Toughlove on line.

Get help for yourself & your husband, maybe family therapy, but couple counseling if your son won't go.

When he's 18 he can be politely excused from your home!! Let him know that, and that you WILL change the front door lock & put his things on the front porch, two days after his 18th birthday, if he doesn't start shaping up VERY QUICKLY.

Answer 8

Get a heavy safe. Put all of your valuable things in it..jewelry, wallets..money, purse, car keys.....every day when you are not using them. Hide the safe where he cannot get to it. Learn to lock your bedroom doors and windows. That way they are safe.

Don't bother yelling or screaming. Heart attacks are less pleasant than rude seventeen year olds.. or are they??? ( just kidding ) Anyway, this is a problem that should have been addressed a few years ago rather than right now. I understand what you are saying and believe me you have my sympathy.. but the truth is.. by now I am sure you know you just have to ride it out. When he turns eighteen I recommend you and your husband help him find a job.. and help him find a place to rent.. do NOT pay for it yourselves.. help him decorate mom but do not interfere with how he runs his house at all no matter what. DO offer to get his drivers license address changed online for him and pay for it yourself if you want and have it mailed to his new apartment... legally that is always a WISE thing to do. Gradually let go so he can learn to walk by himself and he will. He might not like it but hey..it's hard to leave that warm safe nest which is so comfortable. Do NOT pay for any of it. Not even if he begs and loses weight. He will get hungry enough to find enough compensation to pay for food , shelter, and transportation. Remember that billions of children all over the planet for millenia have done this. They might not have done it perfectly..but who is perfect but God? If he goes to jail, Mom..do not go bail him out. Visit yes. Bail, no.

It will be ok, Mom.

Answer 9

It's time to wake him up. If he is supposed to work in the AM. then he has to stick to your rules if he lives at home. Take his keys and tell him if he isn't home by your curfew then the doors will be locked. Give him a little leeway on Saturday nights. If he doesn't finish his education he has to pay to stay at your home.
If he doesn't respond to that then it's time for him to find another place to to stay. If he's that bad no one will put up with him unless he changes his ways. It's tough love but he needs this badly. It's either that or Dad needs to kick his As.

Answer 10

I agree with the first answer - I know it is hard but you will breath such a sigh of relief.

As soon as he turns 18, his is an adult. Let him know that you will tolerate his behavior no more and ask him to leave. If he will not go... get a restraining order, change the locks - you are not responsible for him anymore.

It sounds bad but you do not need some kid holding you and your family hostage. Let him see what the real world is like.
Reality Check time.

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