Help! I'm in love with a bi-polar mess!?

Question

I'm in love with a bi-polar mess. help.?
I am in love with a very intelligent, funny, caring and wise person who suffers from bi-polar disorder and absolutely loathes himself.

We have been friends for a very long time and started going out a few months ago. Yesterday we broke up, but it's more of a break until he gets some help. I have no idea what to do. I just got off the phone with him and we're going for a walk in three days.

I'm not perfect myself. I have an eating disorder.I just want him to be happy and realize that he's a beautiful, wonderful person that makes me and many other people very happy.

I know he loves me too, that's not the problem. He just doesn't trust himself and won't let me love him back.

somebody tell me what to do!


(BTW: I posted this before, but people keep saying medicate him! He's resistant to medication! a family member of his comitted suicide on meds)

Answer 1

He has to get the medicines adjusted for him personally.

Bi polar meds are not one size fits this group another size fits another group. But it has to be individualized.

So medicate him, but make sure it is the right combination.
That can take, months and years.

That can help get his roller coaster moods level.


As for you, hey if you love him vs. being in love with him, you will want what is best for him, and will want to be there for the down times as well as the maniac times.

So loving him does involve medications.

But there are other things you can do.

If he gets in a mania, then try to help him control his thoughts, by encouraging him to stop the racing, the same old and same old thoughts.



If he thinks the same thought the third time in a row, ( like mom was so mean when were younger, I am really mad at her), then have him tell himself, to change his thoughts to something different and better. ( Along the lines of, Hey mom makes a killer chocolate cake, my GF makes wonderful lasagna)



Don't argue with him when he is racing. It will only make him race more.

Keep the media to a very limited amount. TV, music, video games, books and movies, all should be limited and be selective.


Do not put it on his shoulders to make you and others happy. that sets him up for feeling like a failure when things go wrong.

Instead reword it, like: I am happier being in a relationship with you, than I would be with anyone else.

He doesn't trust your love, that is a fact. And accepting that as a fact will help you go a long way, until he can trust your love.


No one can tell you what to do. You have to weigh your options and make sure he is taken care of properly, and that means the right medications.

I am going to be blunt, if he refuses to take them, then you need to really re-think your relationship, and especially since he is wanting to back out too.

Answer 2

I have bipolar too. I also have ADHD and PTSD. I know want it feels like to thing that you are to messed up. The one thing that you should know is that you aren't messed up you just have a medical problem that needs to be fixed. Like diabetes or Asama. You are to skinny and by how much you weigh I would say that you can't fight this addition without help. I had to go to a treatment center for four months and that was the best thing I ever did for myself. I'm much more happy and I have joy in my life. Being unblessed with bad genes that not the way blessing work. God gives you these hardships to help you grow and become a stronger person. You have been blessed because you can share with other people that have the same things as you. You can identify with them like no one else can. If you are a christian and have a relationship with God then you shouldn't worry about death. There is a better place for you after you die. There is a time for living and a time for dying. Maybe today you won't die and maybe tomorrow you will. You will never know when you are going to die so make the best out of your life. Because worring isn't going to do a thing but make you crazy. I hope this helps.

Answer 3

I found the last part of your letter interesting... I my self have this disease, and it is now controlled by meds, if I didn't have my meds, I dont know what I would do!!
I was wondering how long did this family member take these meds? Because, it takes 1-2 months for you can really feel a difference, it takes awhile for the chemicals to get into your system and get used to the changes it is trying to regulate in your brain. I felt depressed the first month, and almost gave up, but with the iencouragement from my docter I hung in there. Also it takes awhile to see what medicines work and what doest, it took me almost a year of ("trial and error) to see what worked best with my brain chemistry, not every body has the same kind of Bi-polar symptoms, and there is diffrent stages and diffrent levels to this disease.Something else I was told that scared me into getting meds for this is, that if you dont treat it it will only progress and get worse, So, I think if he still is abdoment about not getting meds, than at least he should seek couneling or seek professional help( like a phycitrist) They can get acroos to him better than you will be able to, and may even convince him to try some meds, they will not force him to do any thing until he is ready, and being able to talk to some one who understands what he is going through can help him feel better. I was the same way when I first went in for counceling and they didnt pressure me, and I ended up choosing to go on the meds after a short while of being in there, I knew it wasnt going to get any better, so just deided to give it a chance, knowing I was able to stop the treatment any time I wanted. I hope this helped you some.

Answer 4

Wow..your situation sounds soo much like mine I seriously think you're my twin. That's crazy.

That's a good reason for him to be resistant to medication, I'm leery about it and nothing like that happened in my family. Would he be at least ok with with going to a good psychiatrist? One that could keep a very close eye on him and monitor his symptoms the right way? I have heard of suicide on meds, but usually that's if a doctor that's not experienced in mental health prescribes them. It's a bit of a process finding the right one, but unfortunately for bipolar people, medication is the only solution that offers a solid answer.

Other than that, is he ok with counseling? Maybe even the 2 of you could go together and learn together--and maybe he wouldn't be so resistant with you there to support him. One thing about supporting each other though, please don't make the same mistake I did and try to be each other's everything. That's why I really stress therapy or meds or both, because with each others problems being a really big part of your relationship, you're in danger of becoming dependent on each other--which leads to the type of relationship that just tears you apart. You'll just stress each other out til your breaking point, and neither of you will be happy, you'll just go through this cycle of not being able to function without each other, fighting, and basically encouraging each other's problems because that's what keeps your relationship going. If you can't function on your own, you really can't handle being with someone else. Another thing, with bipolar, people are soo changeable (I am bipolar along with my eating disorder, so I know firsthand). You don't want to risk not being able to count on him because of his mood swings.

You say he has very low self-esteem and doesn't have the ability to be loved--I too am like that, and I have to say, as hard as it sounds, until he can let you love him, even though he does love you, he can never truly be happy in a relationship until he is ok with himself.

I wish I had more real answers, but being in the same situation myself, I'm wondering too--this is just hopefully some help from experience. I hope you and he together decide to try and find some healing--if the first therapist you go to isn't feeling right after a few sessions, find another one--same with meds, if he does ever decide to take them. If he can't find it in himself to try the meds, make sure you find a therpist who can deal with him on that issue--one who is ok with letting him try and deal without it. The right therapist will work with him on HIS terms.

Anyways, good luck to both of you--he sounds like a great guy, and there IS hope for any disorder--it may not seem like it, but working hard at it and really putting yourself into finding help for it is the first step.

Take care,
Beth

Answer 5

Talking with a counselor would be good.
Starting a diet & fitness program would be good too.
Here are some good ideas:

1. Do something that gets your heart rate up a bit like, walking, running, biking, and swimming.
2. Eat Whole, Organic foods like: Broccoli, Cabbage, Organic Brown Rice, Spinach, Sweet Potato, Apples, and other fruits and vegetables in their Natural State.
3. Avoid eating corn, white bread, white rice, candy, sodas, chips, and anything else that you already know you shouldn’t be eating.
4. Drink clean water as your beverage of choice. Avoid Fruit drinks and fruit juices (unless YOU juice them yourself)
5. Stop smoking, drinking beer & wine, and drinking coffee.
6. Get 8 hours of sleep each night.
7. Hang out with people who want to be healthy.
8. Avoid anything with High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Tone up the muscles:
1. Join a gym and get a trainer.
2. If you’re short on cash, start a light stretching & yoga regimen.
3. Do push-ups, and light dumbbell curls for the upper body.
4. As I said above, walk, run, swim, and or bike.
5. Take an aerobics class, a yoga class, or some other fitness class.
6. Join the local YMCA..

Mental Health:
1. Get a friend to talk to each day about your feelings.
2. If you have some money or insurance, get a counselor to talk to.
3. Learn how to meditate.
4. Join a support group for the issue you’re dealing with.
5. Ask your Higher Self (or God) for guidance.
6. Start keeping a diary or journal about your feelings & thoughts.
7. Write a ‘gratitude’ list every night.
8. Do something that makes you happy each day like: listen to your favorite music, draw, paint, write, or anything creative.
9. Do something for someone else who needs help.

Answer 6

I dated a bi polar boy before and it was awful. Absoloutly awful. The relationship started off good and just went downhill. He would not get help or medication he would just continue to allow his actions and words to hurt me and those around him.

It sounds like you both need to work on yourselves though, because what you have is a dependent relationship and that isnt healthy. If you really care about him and your relationship and want it to work...you both need to seek help individually and work on yourselves, so that you can grow as a couple.

Answer 7

he'll never be stable if he's off meds. He may be a lot better when he's with you than he is by himself at home. I know that i try to hide my symptoms from others. I can't do that all the time tho, so it comes out at home (and unfortunately, then my husband gets it.)

I didn't want to marry my husband and inflict myself on him. He says, on theother hand, that i am so kind to him most times that the bad times are worth it.

You have to weigh it yourself.

Answer 8

Sounds like a knotty problem.Show him you care,in many little ways.Im sure he'll realise that soon enough.Or get some professional counselling help since he's resistant to medication.Sometimes a good talk with the shrinks will help alot.

Answer 9

I benefited from reading "CO-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie

Answer 10

Feel your pain sista!!! I was in the same predicament for 4 years. It was total hell because I never knew how any day was going to go!