A troubling hypothetical question: Opinions?

Question

Imagine the following:

Your father leaves your mother. He moves into an apartment 4 blocks away so that your younger sister, age 15, can stay with him some of the time. Your mother becomes severely mentally ill (clinically depressed) and loses a ton of weight. Your father ends up spending little time at his apartment and sneaking around to be with the woman with whom he cheated.

Your sister, overwhelmed by trying to live with your ill mother at her house, goes to his apartment even though he's with his adulteress. She hangs out there and uses his computer, where she finds an instant message between her father and this woman, describing vindictively the places in your ill mother's house where they had sex, even including your mother's car, while she was in the hospital.

Your father is now engaged to this woman.

Do you make the decision to sever contact with them?

Answer 1

I would be hurt and disgusted with my dad. I would want to put some distance between us for a while. I would write a letter to my dad telling him what I discovered and why I need to be away from him. I will focus on my mom and support her.

Answer 2

There's no fun in that dysfunction! You never say if this person is close with his/her father. I think the depth of the relationship's history will, in part, dictate the relationship's future.
Personally, I would want to avoid being dragged down to such a level of anger and vindication. I would definitely consider limiting my ties, and, if that doesn't work, severing them.

Answer 3

If you're asking this question for yourself, the decision is yours. Obviously, you're in a position where you don't have to live with either of your parents.

Your sister, at 15, is a different story. She may not have the legal right to sever contact with your dad. After all, your mom is sick...and your dad is the only other parent she has.

She has been through a truly traumatic experience-and, on a everyday basis, as she is living with your mom-who, besides being mentally ll, is the one person closer to the situation than you and your sister. She would be of no help-and discussing the problem with her would only make things worse!

Since your mom is ill, and more and more people know about it, it seems, re-evaluation of your sister's legal custody may be examined. If it does come to that, judge carefully what you may say in court. You didn't find the IMs...so, you can't testify concerning them-but, if asked your opinion, tke some things into account. I KNOW you'd probably like nothing better than to stick it to your dad, hurt him as much as possible, BUT think:

1.Are you, or any blood relative, ready, willing, and able to take full custody of your sister? Does anyone have a place that has room for a 15-year-old girl to live in, comfortably, for the next 3 years-at least?

2.Do they have the financial ability to raise her? Yes, your parents do have a responsibility to provide child support. But, your mom is too sick. And your dad will probably be unwilling to give anything but the barest minimum-so,he'll probably 'launder' all the money he can. Anyone who takes your sister in has to be able-and willing-to pick up he slack.

3.If it is ruled that both parents are unfit, could you live with the idea of your sister being placed n the foster care system? Most foster parents try and make things comfortable for their charges, but there are exceptions-and the system doesn't have the resources to flush them all out. Plus, given your sister's age, she may not be placed with a family at all, but in a 'group home'. There, the kids are given rooms, sent to school, and supervised by counselors. There is always someone on duty-but there is a big turnover, and it's unlikely that a bond close to that of the parent-child bond (even when seriously flawed). In short, the kids are forced to grow up fast. Yes, relatives are allowed to visit-both families and group homes. but the system may place your sister far from where anyone from your family can visit very often, let alone daily.


4.Is your dad, even with what he's done, truly incompetent? I know, you're angry now. I'm sure your sister is, too. But has he ever left her hungry? Refused to pay for necessities? Remember, that people do change-given time. He may not even marry the woman he's with. Men who cheat on one woman aren't likely to stop there. Even before they're married. He did make sure that he had a place large enough for your sister to visit him, comfortably.

Wherever your sister ends up living, try and be supportive. Just let you know that you're there, you love her, and try and give her tips on making life easier. Have her stay overnight, sometimes-and ask other relatives, and family friends, to do the same. I know-your own anger often eclipses things but your sister has to live much closer to the battleground. When she expresses anger and disappointment. try not to cross the thin line between validating and supporting it.

Whoever the custodial parent becomes, encourage your mother to get psychological help-for her own sake. You, and your sister may be finding justification for your own anger at your father in her continued instability. This is understandable; it's not evil or immoral. It's just something you should get over. She should see a licensed professional therapist first. When he gives her the go-ahead, encourage her to explore new hobbies, and interests, renew old friendships, and make new ones. Maybe an older relative or family friend could be helpful in this.

There is NO ideal answer here. Your father has exposed your sister to something that he should have done her best to shield her from. And, although she was badly treated, your mom IS mentally ill-and can't be a truly competent parent, until she begins treatment.

This is an emotional issue-hey, I'd like to see your dad get what's coming to him, too-so, I went out of my way to do 'damage control' rather than moralize. Remember, the idea of your sister being place in a foster home isn't as far fetched as it once was. As long as she has at least one family member (that's YOU) who truly cares about her, it's best to avoid that scenario. Even if it means her living, for a time, with a mentally ill woman or a man who cheats on his wife and doesn't even bother to hide the confirming facts from his daughter. She has a sister that loves her-and that shouldn't be taken away because others in the picture atre to concerned about being 'right'.

Answer 4

Yep.That person he disrespected is my mother and he would find out I don't disrespect her and have no tolerance for anyone else that does.

Answer 5

You do whats right for you !