can we live without a child?.I feel guilty of not giving a baby to him?

Question

Hi, i m 32 now..It is a love marriage.I was a hindu and he is a catholic.I m too now.
we got married 5 yrs ago. till now i cant have a baby.so i went for many treatments in India ,but in vain,we lost a lot of money and so we stopped that .now we are in US .Infertility treatments are costly here.now my hub has decided not to have child.He advices me to think of our future alone.He says any way children wont support us in future,.i can agree..but...I feel guilty of not giving a baby to him. He loves me a lot. so i cant go away from him ,,to give him a good life.He hates adoption too.
He is a very very caring and loving husband.He makes me happy always. but my guilty consciousness kills me.Our relatives and friends in India have stared hating me just because of my infertility.
What shall i do ?
How can i overcome my depression.
calls to India drives me mad.we cant stop calling them.please advice me how to get rid of my guilty feeling

Answer 1

Dont feel guilty....and please please please...............

DONT HATE ADOPTION........................PLEASE

They way u want children..many children ARE there who want "PARENTS".......so, please...

"GO FOR ADOPTION"

I know few families, who were very sad and depressed without kids, but after adoption they feel they have a "BLESSED FAMILY"...

All the very best to you........for yr BLESSED AND COMPLETE FAMILY, SOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNN.....

p.s. yr problem is not a problem, BELIEVE ME...only

"YOU HAVE THE SOLUTION FOR IT N U ALSO KNOW WAT THE SOLUTION IS "......

Answer 2

This is a tough situation for which no one is responsible... You have the difficult task of taking control of yourself, getting some help/therapy/counselling. Or you will lose what you have - a great husband - and you will lose him due to your guilt, depression, and not because of the infertility. I know is it is very hard to handle the month-to-month failure and then slowly accept the infertility, or that there is not more you can do about it.

Adoption - been there too. Most men don't just like it. They won't even look at that option. and you can't even try to convince them, because if they do say yes, no.. but later are not so happy with it, you are effecting the life of the adopted child for no fault of the that child.

Calls to India - this is one reason to keep matters like having a child, when, why not now, how many.. etc private. But, it is generally not the case with Indian families/relatives... Well, it is never too late... Your husband and you need to stand up for yourselves, and not put up with any hate/coldness from people just because of infertility. This can be done in small ways:
1. people who are cold/hate you should be told to drop that... or your husband & you, both will not speak to them.
2. Just do not give their approval any importance.... easy to say, hard to do... but needs to be done.
3. Keep your grief, frustration, guilt private. Come up with generic statements like 'we are evaluating options'. 'list of fun stuff you both of are doing', show them how life is going on inspite.
4. Join a yahoo group or a local support group. Join a course, find a job if not already working, volunteer...

Bottom line: you have a great husband, you owe it to him and your marriage to really fight this guilt/depression...use all the resources you can find. I hope you find some great friends to help in this time.

Answer 3

Don't feel guilty hun, since you said he could be out in May at the earliest that doesn't leave you enough time to get things in, and if he's in longer just say a couple of months then you will have to run out at the last minute and get everything yourself, which i know would be stressful. Just keep buying bits and bobs here and there, tell him what you're getting and ask him if he would like to choose anything for her, give him a mothercare book or something (i'm sure here in the UK we're allowed things like that in prisons) and let him choose something, if he's not allowed catalogues in there then just keep him involved. When he gets out he can always go shopping with you, you can never have too many babygrows, suits, jumpers, dresses and so on. I'm sure he'll just appreciate you keeping him informed of what you're thinking on buying, what you've bought etc.

Answer 4

First be confident and have faith in god… I agree with Tuhin who told about adoption.
God has given u two choice.Have a baby of ur own or adopt a baby for ur own… There are many kids who wants mother.Adopt a new born baby are u can go for any other techniques after consulting ur doctor… Our relatives and this world will not shut their mouth.It wil keep on telling something.
Talk with ur husband… if doctors says tat u cant become a mother then go for adoption.it wil be hard to somedays to own someones baby.But after few days everything will be fine.. The baby wil get a good future… And u can live for the kid…Never Mind abt others… All the best…Let god take u people in a correct path to brighten ur future…

Answer 5

being an indian woman i can understand the pressure u r under but getting depressed and tensed is no way to deal with it.
the decision to have a child is ur husbands and urs and the fact that u r not able to at the moment is not ur fault nor his.
ur relatives cannot help u and i know u cant stop calling but the next time they ask or bring up the topic just tell them tht u will stop calling them if they dont stop talking abt it(indian r known for emotional black mail as they r doing to u do to them also)
as for ur husband not wantng to adopt maybe if u show him the positive side it might hellp.

wish u had said wht the fertilty docs said u cant have the baby. is it that u cant ur is it some thing tht can be fixed.
if u want just email me with some more details and we can talk

Answer 6

I would just advise you to prepare your husband mentally as he loves youand change his mind set up so that he will be ready for adopting a baby this can make a difference to your life and don't feel guilty , you are not responsible , just help your self out by allowing a mind set for yourself and your husband.

And about relatives no one will come to know in india that the child you have adopted is the one whom you haven't given a birth. Just ask your relatives you are pragnent nand adopt a baby.

Though it will be a lie but one lie will make a difference to your life and one thing more your are married for 5 years now also there is a scope for having a baby.

Answer 7

you do not beed a baby to be happy, and anyone that would judge you because you are infertile is not worth the time of day, Be your own person and enjoy having such a good marriage, put this behind you and take the oppurtunity to enjoy all the good times and not dwell on the things you can not change.

Enjoying life is all in how you look at it, focus on the good not the bad. Now go and hug your husband and thank him for standing by you and tell him that from now on you and him are going to put this all behind you and today is day 1 of our new life without feeling pain and guilt that others have put on us for something we can not control.

Take care and smile, everyone lookes better with a smile.

Answer 8

i was sorry to hear it mam.i wonder sometimes why does these things happen even to good hearted people.there is one thing that can reduce your depression and help you feel like a mother.
If i can plee you,then let me ask you to help many helpless road side children,this.you can help them.
you can see around you that if there are small ones
not not doing child labour,every child will feel you like the one you wanted for your husband.you are fortunate to have a loving husband.
Mam life indeed is a struggle and a long one, helping and shairing helps.
there will always be some sleek minded persons having negative attitude,why to care for those plants that give only thorns,please get them out of your life gradually.
you are a mother at heart i can see the way a mother expresses.my relative also has the problem but they are fine,the have coped with it.I can`t ask you to forget it but i can ask you to look this beautiful life over it.

I pray for you and ask god to help you.


-Saket(Nitin)

Answer 9

Your guilty feelings will never go away without some counseling. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being a parent. And if you can't biologically have a child, I see nothing wrong with your only other options, which is adoption or a surrogate mother. If you don't like those options, then you have to get over your guilty feelings, they will do you no good, and only lead to problems for both you and your husband.

See someone about this, immediately, or else it will only get worse.

Answer 10

hai madam,
others or other relatives talk with negative only. u dont care about anything, this is ur and ur hubby life. no one cannot indulge ur decision or opinion. some stupids talk such type of unnecessay words. as per ur and ur hub willing, u can alive without baby.

or if u both want baby, u can get it test tube baby, ithink in india also such type of facilities availble in lot of hospitals.

and u can take baby from any orphanage. in india lot of orphanages there, u can go and selct the baby from orphanage. but evrytthing is depend upon ur willing, dont care about others talking.

best of luck

Answer 11

Ok, the first thing you have to do is stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault. You didn't look down one day and say alright ovaries, I don't want you to work anymore. You and your husband should just sit down and talk. But make it a truthful talk. Don't say things you think he wants to hear and don't let him do that to you either. Sit down and tell each other what you really want. You shouldn't blame yourself about the baby. Maybe he truely doesn't want a baby anymore. And you're friends back in India, don't even pay them a mind. I know you love them and you value their opinion, but they are not in your relationship. Don't let them pull you two apart.