How do I deal with a Toxic sister in law, she is evil & posioning my brother with lies & she's cruel to my mom

Question

My sister in law has it in her head that we don't like her or my brother. Not true, we love my brother. She is cruel to my mom and was to my dad before he passed on June 12, 2007. She didn't help, support or agreed with our care plan for him. An example of her meaness is when I phoned for my brother the night my dad died, I told her he stopped breathing and she said "good". I can provide cruel examples for the past 25 years, however I won't, I will just give your a couple more that she did in the last 3 months. She planned my dad's funeral before he died. The first time we all though he was going she secured the church times and started on gathering food. This hurts my mom, since she is frail and misses my dad, her hubby of 59 years. I would like to get my brother back in speaking terms and not have him so mad at us for telling his wife, it stops now. Behave and play nice or don't play at all. What do you all think, offer, any words of productive realistice wisdom?

Answer 1

ok. this is just my opinion, based on my experience with my toxic sister in law, and other in laws in the same family, that I have cut out of my life. I am married almost 28yrs. I put up with years of drama from her, because that is all that keeps her going. For years, it was like SHE had the upper hand so to speak, I was always on the bottom. Like she reigned and I was not important. She was manipulating, gossip hound, cocky, all the rotten traits a drama queen could have. My mother in law was wrapped up in all that in her younger years, it was the only relationship she and her daughter really had.
8 yrs ago, the two of them decided to pull some crap.....God it is too long to explain, but here is the outcome.
I don't care who they are. who I am married to. I DID NOT MARRY HIS FAMILY!!!.... I REFUSE to associate with either one of them, and I don't give a crap who understands or doesn't. When you "feed" their need for Drama, you encourage them to continue it. Let them bang their heads together till they bleed, I am not participating in any of it. I don't want the phone calls anymore, needling for information. I don't want the visits anymore so they can "find fault" in anything I do...I don't HAVE to associate with them, this is MY life, and I am not going to be made miserable because they get off on causing misery....I am not kissing @$$ anymore. Did that for almost 20yrs, wanting mommie dearest to "like" me. What a friggen PHONEY she is, she doesn't deserve any of my time!
Some people just have to stir trouble. have drama in their lives. cause conflicts etc. Because it is what keeps them going!!! When you "cut them off", they have no where to go with it! Understand what I mean?.....Your mom, you, your husband, cut her off!!!!!!!! Let her stew in her own sh!t, and your brother will see her for what she really is. If he doesn't, he's an idiot!...... You can tell him why you want nothing to do with her, plain and simple without drama. Just the facts that, that is the way it is, and your not tolerating it anymore.
You would not believe how much happier my life has been ridding myself of those two, and my bully/drunk brother in law.
His other brother and sister I get along with just fine. But, I keep my distance. It's under my terms now. I am not the one timid and unsure now. It is them. I knocked the hell out of my sister in law when I was 19......8 yrs ago I told her I'd do the same thing right in front of her boyfriend. He had the biggest grin on his face! I was right in saying so. Sometimes you just have to get tough, and say enough is enough!!!!
Period. or it'll keep going FOREVER!! That is too long for misery caused by someone else!! (sorry this is so long)

Answer 2

Your brother is an adult and he has to figure out what is wrong and how he will deal with it. If he is weak and the power balance is too far in his wife's hands then he must either make a decision to say enough is enough and put a stop to the abusive relationship (most abusers are weak bullies anyway) or continue to allow his wife to be the tyrannical boss My sister-in-law makes my bro's life a misery telling lies, feigning illness; she has already dispatched her half bro and sister to No Man's Land and no contact there and has told lies to the rest of us to keep us away from our bro. Just try to support your bro as much as you can but he is a grown up

Answer 3

All you can really do is take care of your mother as best you can... take her out to eat, see movies, and whatever else, and treat her like a queen for her remaining years!
Your brother either has his head up his butt or is between the proverbial rock and a hard place. You can't do much about that.
All you can do about the interfering sister-in-law is avoid her as much as possible. If your mother wishes to keep her from interfering with her own life, she needs to make her own funeral arrangements, have a living will, have a regular will, and appoint a durable power-of-attorney to handle her affairs. Particularly since if she appoints her son, his nasty wife will take over.

Answer 4

Oh, how much this sounds like my brother-in-law and his ex-wife! She had him so brainwashed against us. My story so far does not have a happy ending - he has lost his freedom and his two girls, who he adored. He is confined to a group home now for probably the rest of his life because he totally lost it. The more we tried to tell him, the worse it got. The only time he would even make an attempt was when we cut off all contact with him. They were together for about 5 years and married for a total of less than 1 year. I hate to tell you this, but your best bet is to cut them both off completely - if they've been together for 25 years, she already has him brainwashed against you and anything you say will only drive him closer to her and she will use it to "prove" to him that you don't have his best intentions at heart and that SHE is the only one who truly loves him for who he is. She doesn't truly believe that you don't like your brother (her, yes and for good reason and she knows it), it's a control game she is playing with your brother and in order to keep him under her control, she has to convince him that you don't love him. The rest of you pose a threat to her and her agenda. You have to hope that he comes to his senses and realizes how toxic she is on his own - until then, it's only going to cause the rest of you greater pain. Good luck - I sure hope your story ends better than ours has.

Answer 5

Take good care of your mom. Leave your brother and sister-in-law alone. You can never win in the game that your brother and his wife are playing. Stay as far away as you can so that your mother will not feel any emotional pain anymore.

Answer 6

Honestly, you don't have to deal with her, your brother does. And eventhough, you may not like her you still have to respect her. Maybe she said 'good' because she felt he was at peace now. Maybe she started to plan his funeral before he died to save you guys the time and trouble of running around trying to do a million and one things at the same time as mourning. As per his care plan, did you even ask why she didn't agree ? Did you listen to her opinion ? Maybe she thought of something different with her mind and not her heart and emotions because maybe she thought another way would benefit him.
Apparently, there is alot going on and it seems to me that you probably didn't like her enough for your brother. I know what it's like not to like someone because you might feel they are not good enough for your relative. I also know what it's like not to be liked. Maybe you never gave yourself the chance and opportunity to get to know her the right way. She might not be so bad after all.
Also, it wasn't your place to tell her enough was enough. You should've spoken to your brother one on one and expressed to him how you felt about everything. He could've spoken to her and you wouldn't have him so mad at you now. Remember, that's his wife and in between marriages no one should over step those boundaries. I'm sure if you were or are married and someone spoke to your husband as how you did you would be upset also.

Hope all works well. I believe your next step should be calling your brother and asking him over for coffee with his wife and trying to make ammends. If you want your brother in your life you're going to have to accept him with his wife.

Best of luck.

Answer 7

We went through the same type of situation with my brother and his ex- wife! The cold fact of it is that no matter what we told my brother about her, he just wouldn't believe it. That is until she tried to kill him,he soon woke up and just in time!!!

Answer 8

A man leaves his home and cleaves to his wife..this is biblical,it is true. Im sure there are reasons for why she feels this way,things she has seen from your dad,things she has heard even from your brother.The fact is,she comes first and always will.She is his wife.Others come last.Thats just the way it is.

Answer 9

if your brother still doesnt listen have a intervention

Answer 10

omg how mean!!!
i will kill her for you ; )