When/If to tell daughter about mother's rape during adolesence?

Question

When I was in high school, I got into an incredibly stupid situation and ended up being raped (no, I don't think I deserved it, but I also realize that I made a lot of stupid choices that put me in a very dangerous situation). There's part of me that wants to use this as an example with my daughter when she starts dating and going to parties and such of what can happen if you stop using your head, but on the other hand, I don't know... it just seems like it might somehow be weird for her to hear it.

(She's almost 10, so obviously, I'm thinking ahead here!)

I'm just curious on others' opinions, especially if by chance you had a family member talk about something like this with you - did it resonate, or did it just make you feel uncomfortable? Or would you just blow it off like only your mother would be that stupid and surely you know better?

Just to be clear, I don't mean telling her NOW! She's not yet dating ;-)

We've talked in age appropriate ways about good/bad touches and stuff like that for years the same way as crossing the street carefully.

I mean more of the "drinking may sound like a fun idea, but it can leave you unable to make sound judgments" discussion when she's older - that's something we'll tell her anyhow, but the question of whether to bring up personal experiences is what I'm most concerned with (it's not something I'm still traumatized by, so it's not like I'd be having a breakdown telling her, just to be clear).

Answer 1

This has got to be one of the BEST questions I have seen. You are right to want to give her this information. I was shoulder deep in a situation before my mother told me of her own experiences and the pain I could have been spared had I known! I would recommend that you tell her when she is about 12 years old. The more open and honest with her that you are - the more open and honest she will feel she can be with you. At 12, she will still be listening to you and will be able to comprehend the seriousness of the conversation, but hopefully it will be before she starts getting into the partying & dating scene. If you approach the topic the right way - she will "get" it and won't be freaked out by the nature of it. I would use what you have written here to some extent - If I could make a suggestion - "Honey, I want to talk to you about some things I remember from when I was younger....When I was a teenager I made some really stupid and irresponsible choices that put me in a very dangerous situation and I want to tell you about them and what happened so that you can possibly avoid making the same mistakes I did. I love you and want you to be safe... " Tell her that you understand that things are different now, but that you really want what is best for her and there are some things that remain the same as when you were young. Be sure to share some good stories with her as well - maybe in the same conversation, maybe in another - the important thing is to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible. Good Luck and kudos to you for being ahead of the ballgame on this one!

Answer 2

I think you should tell her when she is reaches the age of fourteen. I think 14 is the most appropriate age because she is just on the cusp of becoming a young woman while she can still be viewed as a child. Plus, the rebellion that comes with young adolescence may not have settled in and 14 is the perfect age to for a deep discussion on this subject matter. At this age, serious topics will sink in and help her make decisive, crucial decisions at times when you will not be able to help her and critical think will.

Answer 3

I don't think that you should tell her about this as a means to warn her about the dangers of partying too hard or drinking. That would probably make her feel uncomfortable. However, I think that there will be a time when sharing this with her will be appropriate.
My mother always had an open door and made me feel comfortable talking to her about anything. So, when I was like 16 and I was considering giving up the big "V" I was able to talk to her about it first. That's when she talked to me about birth control, diseases, pregnancy, no meaning no, etc. I think that you should wait to share this story until that time in her life arrives. Any sooner will just make her feel awkward.

Answer 4

I was around 14 when my mom told me about her "rape' she didn't exactly call it that she simply said she snuck out with a girlfriend and 2 guys and the one she was with took advantage of her and the other girl just kinda ignored it. Basically she was raped. I would wait till she is say 13, 14, not dating just yet, but very boy crazy and explain to her that a time in your life you were much like her. That you liked boys and thought you were ready to "date" and go to parties and explain what happened, trust me, whenever I felt "uncomfortable" in a place, or with a guy I remembered what my mom told me and it helped me decide to change my plans and get out of the situation before things got out of hand. She may even respect you more for it since she will see that its not her you don't trust its the ones out there who have no conscious, no self control. You tell her when she is ready, trust me you will know. Good luck, and I have the utmost respect for you for not letting what happened to you stop you from LIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 5

i cannot f*ckin believe the amount of ignorant people who just do not read other people's questions -- can you??
anyhow, i think that parents should be honest with their children and if it seems like the perfect situation to tell them about something rather scary you experienced and learned from, then it's just fine. just so long as she knows you want her to know this because you're afraid that if you don't tell her she might make the same mistakes and not that you are trying to get her sympathy or anything. she will probably realise this anyway if it's brought up in the proper context tho. good luck.

Answer 6

hmmmmmmmm

if it had happened to me I think I would tell a kid very early

I thin k, keep in mind that you don't want to scare her too much, yet you DO want HER to be SAFE so she wont be raped.

Maybe say, there are some bad men who might try to have sex with you in the world. You need to be aware of that, and you need to be and stay safe. Then explain things to do. Say, most people are really ok, yet be careful. SCream or run or kick him or whatever, have a plan in place. And to not get into dangerous situatiosn with men or boys she doesn't know that well and sometimes women too.

Answer 7

I think when the time is right maybe 13 or 14 I would tell her, in todays world any advice we can give our kids that might help and protect them we should give. Especially when that advice comes from a personal experience.

Answer 8

This information will not benefit your daughter unless you see that she is trying to take stupid risks like you did. If that happens, you may find it useful to tell her.
Nevertheless, teens often think that things are different now than when the parents were young, or that they can handle things better. Don't assume that you can rely only on your experience; the more recent experiences of other girls may work better. Use your judgement.

Answer 9

she will find out sooner or later so better tell her yourself but find the right time and make sure she understand the meaning and the reason why you are telling her about this. this will help her in the future but this will not give you the assurance for times change and society change so i say tell her about the sad chapter of your life but also give her a lot of your love and care that will help her more in the future.

Answer 10

i think the age to tell her is 13
and i dont think u shud tell her about u gettin rape i no if my mom told me that i would like look at her diff. and like be reallly really reaaaaaaaaly scared and watch out for her alot or w.e