How can two sisters be so different?

Question

Before my mom died, she was in a nursing home and did not know who we were. She could not talk, eat or even know that we were there. I am the oldest and I was very close to my mother, she was strong,kind and loving; everything a mother should be. But I could not bring myself to see her like that. When I would go see her, I would just sit there and want to run screaming from the room because my mother was "gone" My sister on the other hand could not get along that well with my mom, they had big differences of opinion. Yet, she could go nearly every day and talk to her like nothing was wrong! My mom has died and I go visit her grave & I feel happy to know she is at peace, yet my sister has not gone once since she died! Why?? I do not understand.

My mom died four years ago and my sister has never been to her grave. Yet she was at the nursing home nearly every day before she died, "talking" to her like nothing was wrong.

Answer 1

She is dead and your sister knows your mother isnt in that grave, only her body is. Not everyone needs to visit a grave to remember someone. It was also easier for her to deal with the illness because she wasnt as close. But the good thing is she was there for her when it mattered.

Answer 2

You could have been talking about my sister and me. She was far closer to my mother than I was, but I genuinely liked my mother and appreciated her.

Before my mother went in hospice, my sister would pick her up and take her wherever she wanted to go, and she would put her hand under her elbow to guide her, always being solicitous.

When I took my mother someplace, unless she asked for assistance, I didn't give it, because I thought she wanted to be independent as much as possible.

I know my sister visits the family graves, but I don't. They aren't there, they're inside me.

There's nothing wrong with the way either of us is. I wouldn't fault my sister for doing what she does, because it gives her comfort. I don't think she is aware that I don't go to the cemetery.

Answer 3

People grieve and morn in different ways. I loved both my parents but I get no special feeling when visiting their grave. I get more by thinking of the good times we had or telling stories about them or recognizing when my actions or thoughts were guided by how they raised me. My mother in law gets very much out of visiting her husband's grave - it is a special time for her.
In your sister's case their might be guilt about their relationship or regret that she didn't have more time with her when she was maturing.

Answer 4

Your sister probably considers death as the end of her relationship with your mom. It does not mean she does not love your mom. Your sister is not as sentimental as you are. Maybe she does not consider visiting your mother's grave as manifestation of her love and grief. I think your sister is a very practical person.

Answer 5

You spent your quality time with her all those years prior.

Your sister probably spent her time at your mother's bedside processing through the past... this was her quality time with her without the conflicts. It was a form of therapy for her.
Your mom's spirit was there with her.
Everyone got quality time with her in their own way.

There isn't anyone in that grave, believe me. That is just leftovers in Tupperware.

Answer 6

maybe you need to let your sister accept the passing of your mom and grieve in her own way. that may be what is best. there may be deeper reasons for why she hasn't gone to visit her grave.

Answer 7

maybe that is her coping mechanism, no two people are alike. so she might be hurting inside still with her loss and she is not ready to face another blow. give her time and support she will come to her senses later.

Answer 8

your sister does not want 2 carry that weight of her loss on her sholders