My boyfriend tries to keep me from excelling. He always says 'im not good enough,' and he purposely will not help me do something because he wants to see me fail. He tells lies saying that my friends phone him and tell him bad things about me, trying to brake up our friendships. He is an adult (27) and Im 22. The problem is that I dont have much family or friends to stay with and we live together. I want to leave but dont know where to go. Im looking for a job, but until then Im pretty much broke. He's not very goodlooking and kinda overweight. I dont know if thats a factor, but I know I can find better. The problem is I have no resources yet to get out and find better. He is not physically abusive, but definetly emotionally. What should I do??
2007-08-24 16:40:13 · 26 answers · asked by ? 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Try telling him how you feel. Tell him to stop treating you that way.
2007-08-24 16:43:26 · answer #1 · answered by Michael F 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I hate to break it to you... but at 22 years old, you are an adult too.
It sounds like he is afraid that if you succeed at something or get a job and start earning your own money, you'll leave him. (which is exactly what I would suggest you do)
You say you don't have many friends or family to live with, see about going back to school (college) and moving into the dorms or other campus/student housing. You can get an education which will help you get a better job once you are out as well as possibly getting a work-study program that will give you work experience and a little cash too.
He wants to keep you dependant on him for everything so he can feel in control and the big man.
You need to get out of his house and out of his debt as soon as you can and on your own two feet.
2007-08-24 23:55:06 · answer #2 · answered by Will Y 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your heart has already told you what needs to be done. You know you have to leave but have no one to go to. That is a predicament indeed. He is treating you this way in order to keep you from thinking that you can survive without him. It is a tactic he is employing to make you think that you are not good enough for anyone else so that you won't leave him. Rethink all of your resources.. what about your parents or any aunts and uncles? Maybe even a good friend. It is like the line from Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun": "Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world.." That is just what he's trying to do to you...alienate you from your inner group of close associates so that he can have you all to himself to continue emotionally battering you. It will be very hard to cut ties with him b/c it sounds as if he would be very bitter. But, nevertheless, gather up as much courage as you can and build your defenses by letting your close friends know what you are going through, and whatever family you have. It is always better to let others know what you are going through, especially if you belong to a certain church. If you do, definitely let your clergy know what is happening. They may have very good resources you may not have even thought of. My heart goes out to you. I will be thinking of you.
2007-08-24 23:57:54 · answer #3 · answered by redrose4u 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Once you decide definately to leave doors will start to open.
Speak to a social worker or a womans support group or health worker & they can get you hooked into networks where you can
a) do some activities that build your esteem until you leave
b) find resources out there in the community, like help with resumes, training, share accommodation or community housing, etc etc
c) be pragmatic (maybe take a job that also has accomodation if you can eg nanny etc) and keep your cards close to your chest
d) one step at a time & learn not to be codependant so you can steer clear of these relationships & not be drawn to them
2007-08-24 23:52:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have to say this to you---that is that if you stay with him to long, eventually you could end up staying with him for a long time because you have nothing else, you could start to belive that your not good enough and you dont deserve him or anything, and your confidence also your self esteem with go shooting down and that is not good for your health or just in general you! you sound like a really nice smart person so do the right thing and leave this guy...he doesnt deserve you if he cant appreciate you and only tries to make you feel low about yourself. go to a friends house and try to make them understand...keep looking for a job and dont give up be carefull about what you do because someone who isnt emotionaly fine can sometimes get so depressed that they can change in the blink of an eye and you dont even know that person anymore...so watch yourself and good luck with everything! hope i helped you in some way....you have my best wishes.
2007-08-24 23:46:23 · answer #5 · answered by Katie S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good looking or not is not the case... u can find the ugliest of uglies n they can treat u like a princess... the age is not a real factor either, 5 years is not much... but the verbal abuse needs to stop... NOW!!!
u say u don't have a lot family but u do have family... go to one of them that u trust n talk to them, or to a close frnd and seek some mature advice...
when he says ur not good enuf, what he is really saying (but only to himself) is he is not good enuf... the only way he can feel superior is by putting u down, n that's not cool... if u don't stop that now it will get worse as time goes by... experience is talking... don't let it happen to you!!!
u r 22 years old not 2... u don't have a job, ur not paying for any of the bills, reality he is carrying u (i would be grateful for that and when was the last time u told him u are grateful)... so rite now he is treating u like u r his burden, not his girl... u have to get a JOB, become independent and find ur voice, don't let him get away with bullying u... talk to him, let him know that u r not gonna stay in that type of relationship... if u think he is worth sticking around for then i suggest asking him to go to couples therapy with u...
don't bite the hand that feeds u, but don't let that same hand beat down ur spirit...
2007-08-25 00:05:19 · answer #6 · answered by Ivy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take this as a lesson learned. NEVER depend solely on a man because if he knows that he's all you have, he will control you. You need to find a job ASAP and start saving your money so that you can move out and be happy. You don't have to sit there and be with someone who belittles you and makes you feel like crap. In his mind, if he puts you down and makes you feel like you can't amount to anything that makes him feel better about his pitiful self. And he knows that you don't have your own money and no family or friends to go to. If you don't learn anything else in life, just make sure you never put yourself in a situation like this again. You should never have to depend solely on a man for anything. You're stuck but only temporarily. You have to make the decision to move on. You're too young for this crap. Good luck.
2007-08-24 23:48:42 · answer #7 · answered by cutie pie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say get out of the relationship or whatever the relationship is because down the road it could be damaging to you. And if he is abuse and telling you things that are not true than i would he is not right for you. And being negative it is not worth it to be around. he is has problems with himself and it taking it out on u becuse of who u are. I would ask one of ur friends if u can crash there until u get a job and a place of ur own. It might be awhile but u can do it.
2007-08-24 23:46:50 · answer #8 · answered by Mellie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to leave him. Even if you can't afford someplace to stay by yourself, move in with a friend for awhile and keep looking for a job. You can't allow him to abuse you. You need to stand on your own feet. Even if you can't leave by yourself, get help from a friend, someone from work, or someone from your church. If it becomes too bad there lots of shelters for women that you can go to. Also you should listen to this song. It's called "A Broken Wing". It's by Martina McBride. I know they have the video on the major sights like music.yahoo.com or aol music. I think you could probably relate. Also if you watch American Idol, Jordin Sparks did that song. Honestly I think it's better. You can see it on like google video and stuff like that.
2007-08-24 23:51:02 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl first of all tell him to stop bringing you down in a nice way. Try telling him to encourage you. When he tries to insult you take it as compliment cause you know your going to get somewhere one day and it's only going to make you stronger. Keep on looking for a job and when you get enough money, an apartment. If you want to in the end you can dump him and find someone better.
2007-08-24 23:46:54 · answer #10 · answered by Queenz 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i know that the only reason for u to stay with him is that u live together and u did not find a job . i thinks he did that coz he feels that he might lose u one day so he wants to be all Ur world try to help him to get rid of this inferiority complex try harder to find a job to go a way coz he is not a good one but I'm insisting that u help him to be more confident at the ends it is Ur call
2007-08-24 23:52:34 · answer #11 · answered by wild spirit w 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋