The after effects of my husband's sexual addiction, anger issue and compulsive lying.?

Question

I discovered my husband's longterm sexual addiction shortly after we were married. There were always problems with him obsessing about sex and being aggresive towards me sexually before mariage, but I did not know the extent of it . I have also learned that almost half of the things that I believed to be true and made me fall in love with him were lies. He has admitted to cheating on me with various women once caught but claims it was not sexual. I had to force him to admit his addiction and attend therapy. Now he goes willingly and takes Prozac. His therapist says he's improving and to hang in. Meanwhile, I crave the life that I thought we were going to have. He was abused sexually as a child so I am trying to understand and support him but I am angry and it is killing me. My husband does not understand or comfort me for the hurt that I am feeling. He wants me to get over it and move on. However, his betrayal, selfishness, and temper make me feel worthless and humilated.

Answer 1

First off, don't ever expect the people who hurt you to comfort you. they can't, they usually don't know how. And most people can't see past their own pain, which he is in, whether you accept that or not. if you can't handle it, bow out.
If you think that you can...seek counseling for you. You sound like you need it and you can't support him with your own issues holding you back.

Answer 2

I am going through the same thing, so mad at him for the abuse, the lies, the cheating (which he still denies going all the way), the rage and insensitivity.... I could fill up a whole book. I have never gotten over all his actions, and I have made it very clear to him numerous times how this affects me, and my husband has suggested me seeking help now that his treatments seems to be working for him. He seems to think I should just get over it and be glad that he has changed and is still working on changing. I feel like he does not understand the anger I have the sadness and that I feel like it is so unfair and I missed out and got the short end of the stick in this raw deal. I am so mad at him at the lives he's messed with and the people he involved. Well.. mad is an understatement at times. And I am so upset at not having or getting a real chance at what might have been.
If your spouse has mood swings and delusions, you might want to get your husband checked for bipolar. And look at the responses to my questions on bipolar to see if your husband has the same symptoms. Sometimes people have to keep going back for testing or keep getting checked out or be a guinea pig for a while to be diagnosed properly or to find the right medications.
Tell his therapist that you would like to talk to someone about your anger and how to deal with it too. I'm sure that what we are experiencing is not uncommon, and his therapist, if he is the right one, will know how to help with the aftermath.
If he abused you, physically and or emotionally, you might want to look up or google ptsd and see if you have any of those symptoms.

Answer 3

DON'T try to get even with him...(for example...don't go out and have sex with people to "get even" with him). The deceit he has done will mess with your head...trying to figure out what was true and what was a lie. I don't know why people who were sexually abused grow up to have sexual addictions. Maybe they're trying to "get even"...to do it to others as though they were the one who did it to them. Or maybe they feel worthless because no one helped them. Seems like they would hate sex. Just be glad he wasn't out killing people instead of having sex with them. I know how you feel....and I don't have the answer because I haven't found it yet either. You need someone to tell you that it matters what he did to you. IT MATTERS !!!!!! You probably need to go into therapy WITH him...and be able to show your anger towards him(but with someone else there to keep you from killing him). I'm so sorry this happened. to you.

Answer 4

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I would get out! I don't believe you can become "cured" from this type of illness. He's going to need medication for the rest of his life, and probably therapy too. If he stops taking his meds for any reason, he can easily slip back into old behaviors. I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering if and when he will fall off the horse again.

Answer 5

If it is that hard on you and you don't see it getting any better then get out of the relationship. It's not fair to either of you to continue the relationship if you can't be happy together. Dealing with this kind of addiction is very difficult and there aren't many people in the world that are willing to work through it.

Answer 6

What you're feeling is completely natural. However, bluntly put: your husband may not be a sex addict for life but his attitude about how YOU should handle is very unlikely to change.

My honest advice to you is to walk away from this after you have regained your strength and done whatever your conscience tells you to do. After being his best friend, move on. You deserve better.

Answer 7

Hi -
A book "Every Heart Restored" by Steve Arterburn
A website newlife.com click on community, click on mssg. board.

Sounds like you need some therapy of your own to make it through this. Call his therapist, and state you feel the need for help...can they recommend someone?

If he is emotionally involved with another person, he has broken the marriage vow contract. The next move is up to you.

Answer 8

I hate to make this sound so simple,but....Once a cheater,always a cheater!! Even if he gets better it will only come back later..or in a different form. I would leave him.
sorry for being so straight forward. If you don't have any children and you've been married less than a year I would get divorced. Move on!!

Answer 9

Do you have any kids?