Should I throw away everything I've worked for or stand firm?

Question

Recently my bf has been trying to convince me to move to Dallas because he says the commute he makes to and from work is stressing him out so much that he can't handle it. He works in downtown dallas and it takes him an hour and a half each way.
We just moved into a new house (we rent) a few months ago and I love the neighborhood and the house is affordable and overall awesome. We have a one year old that I take to an in home daycare that takes great care of her and treat her like she's family. I also work in Dallas, though not as far of a drive but I have no qualms with the commute.
I feel like I've put forth so much effort into finding a babysitter, a home, and a good job. i've done all of these things w/out his help. I feel like i've just gotten settled and now he wants to move just so he doesn't have to drive as far to work. all of our friends live in our town and it's cheaper than living in dallas.
should i stick to my guns and refuse to move for a 5th time in 3 years?

to answer a question: i drive 2 plus hours a day on top of the stops i have to make getting her to and from the babysitter. also if you're familiar with the DFW area, almost EVERYBODY has to commute because Dallas is where all the jobs are. Additionally, in the event that i do agree to move, I will be once again left with the responsibility of finding a new home we can afford, and finding a babysitter (i refuse to do daycare). I told my bf I'd move once the baby was old enough to start preschool and that I feel like uprooting her from an environment that she's adjusted well to is unfair to her.

To Alissa: let me tell you what selfish is- i work 45 hours a week also in dallas. i get up at 5 am every day, i wake up the baby, feed her, get her dressed, get her things together for her day, get myself together, get the man up, leave by 6:30, drop her off, go to work. then i leave work at 5, sit in traffic, pick up the baby, take her home feed her, bathe her, play with her, on top of all that i spend about an hour a day doing the dishes alone (no joke). i do all of these things by myself. realize i have 2 fulltime jobs and no help from him. so to say i'm selfish for wanting to keep the status quo that i created on my own is ridiculous. selfish is having no appreciation or respect for everything i undertake and expect me toss it all in the trash and start from scratch once again with no help just so someone else can spend less time driving.

Answer 1

as someone who commutes 50 miles a day I can relate to your boyfriend. I know youre probably settled and having a great time where you are, but sometimes it would be healthier for both your relationship and your well-being to have a shorter commute to work. Think of it as ....less to spend on gas...more time to spend with eachother...more time to spend with your child....more relaxed overall feeling in the house. I'm sure you can do a great job at finding another great home and another great neighborhood and an EVEN BETTER babysitter ;) I myself am working on getting closer to my job so I can have more peace and relaxation. You should look into your options and see if its is possible for your budget

Answer 2

First of all you said boyfriend. You didn't say fiance. You didn't say husband. I dated (and lived with) my wife for 6 years before we were married, so I realize how close you two may be. Five moves in 3 years is almost once every 6 months. Most anyone would consider that excessive. But....if you are considering this man as your lifelong mate, then you must communicate and work things out. You may have to compromise sometimes in tuff situations. Is his job so good that he couldn't look for a position closer to home?
Could he stay overnight with a Friend in town a few times a week. That's a lot of gas he's buying. Would a hotel room be out of the question about Wednesday night? Can he car pool at all? If all these answers are NO....well,if you love him then go look at a few places in town. Get a two year lease that he can't break. Discuss the housing and day care costs. Do you both want to live in the middle of the big city. Perhaps if you can't agree on all of these issues, then he is only your "boyfriend" for a reason. Maybe he's not the one. If he is "The ONE", then stick by him. Gee, maybe you could even get married! Good Luck

Answer 3

An hour and a half commute one way adds 3 hours to his day. Having lived in the DFW area myself, I made the commute from Plano to SW Dallas daily, the drive sucked.

Then again, driving anywhere in Dallas sucks.....:)

Compromise is in order.

A) agree that no one moves until the lease is up
B) When the lease is up, prepare to move but find a hosue TOGETHER
C) make sure that both of you take the drive from the prospective house to your work in rush hour traffic so see what the commute is like
D) Try and find soemthign in the middle, so that maybe you can keep the babysitter, and be close to your friends as well

If this is the biggest hurdle you have, you guys are doing great...:)

Answer 4

I understand what you are saying that you have found a house that you love and you have found a great babysitter for your daughter which is really important. But you have to look at it. You are renting. That house no matter how long you live there will never be yours. And how expensive gas is right now, I know that an hour and half one way takes alot of gas. What money you are saving from not living in dallas you are spending in gas. I am not saying that you should give in, but I would atleast consider it. A relationship is give and take. You have to compromise. If this is the 5th time this has come up, he truly is not happy living there. I know if the shoe was on the other foot, you would want him to consider your feelings. Just look around. It doesnt mean that you have to move, but hey you might come up on a deal that is even better that where you are at now.

Answer 5

He is your boyfriend, not your husband. He didn't help you with the things you mentioned and moving around so much can be very very stressful on your part. You didn't mention what kind of job your boyfriend has. Can he easily get another one or be transferred to a different office closer to home? You are the one that will have to weigh your options. Is where you are living worth the arguments of the stress your boyfriend is going through? Is your boyfriend worth moving for again to help restore his peace of mind? Is your boyfriend worth moving and you giving up your peace of mind over the house, the babysitter, the neighborhood, possibly the job? There really is no "fair" solution here or even a compromise; it's a matter of who will be willing to give up their wants and needs for the other one. But, which ever one gives up, no fair always reminding the other one of the sacrifice. Whether you move or not, make the most of life and find joy everyday.

Answer 6

YES...but the key to doing anything with a man is to make it seem like it is HIS idea.

So...talk to him about something he has wanted (a newer car, new computer, motorcycle, watch, whatever) and say too bad he has to wait now with the more expensive rent and moving expense. tell him how you like dallas noisy vibe, if he likes a more quiet environment that will also deter him. tell him that you went to look at places but unfortunatly you will not have a big yard, or only one bathroom as thats what you get ofr the money in dallas cause its so high in demand...Tell him also that you heard so and so was gonna start a poker night, but by the time he drives from dallas he wont be able to opt in in time. Little things like this.

And then watch as he says forget it, lets just stay here..to which you can say, really? well if thats what YOU want dear!

Answer 7

You want him to be happy as well don't you? Get any other house and Day care closer to Dallas that way you wouldn't have to give up your job; One less thing to worry about. And tell him your not moving after that, so pick a place he can deal with. Of course he's not helping you, cause his is tired. Driving so much each day is work within itself. 3 hours on the road, about 9 hours at work that a 12 hour workday. I drive 1 and 15min one way to work and I try to get to work 30min beforehand so I can relax if I can move I would.

Answer 8

Sounds to me like your asking "should we break up because he can't stand the commute stress to his work place or should we break up because I don't want to move from this great location?" Some commutes are hell for some people. On the other hand moving is hell for some people. Why have you moved five times in the past three years? Perhaps you should lay out the advantages of staying where you are and suggest that if a shorter commute is that important to him than HE, not you, needs to ensure that the things that are important to you would be filled in any new location you might move to.

Answer 9

Three hours a day on the road to and from work would be a huge drag...it would be worth some cost to eliminate that inconvenience and give me back some of my personal time.

I understand where you're coming from, but I can also see his view...besides, if you work in D also, even though your commute is shorter, what total amount of hours a day do you two together spend getting back and forth to work? That time has a value....

Answer 10

This is time for a sit down. Its a decision that both of you have to make together. moving that many times is 3 years is crazy. Try to stand firm. I live in NY and commute 1.5hrs to the city each day also. Its a pain but it is bearable