Would you be angry about this?

Question

I am very close to my father and he raised me. He remarried when I was 12 (Im 25 now). Noe he has a son thats 4. Well of course my little brother i spoiled rotten and gets away with murder and I dont mind at all b/c my father is much older now then 20 years ago when he had the energy for me. Anyways. He is now a stay at home father and his wife works and she does very well. She makes over six figures and they are trying for ANOTHER child. So their finances have tightened up. I totally understand. But my father call's me last night and says "I just want to let you know this Christmas we will not be getting you anything or your husband or anyone else, because we will be tight on $ and we need to have $500.00 to spend on Ward (My lilttle brother). My father is the ONLY person I have apart frm my husband. So I is OUR Christmas and it was very hurtful to hear that. Am I being selfish or should I say something? I am still his daughter I feel like, just b/c Im an adult.

Let me re-phrase. My father can afford to give me gifts. My father has NO PROBLEM coming to me and saying "Can you get me a new North Face Tent that is $500.00 for Christmas." Thats how we do things. He is still going to buy gifts for my step mother's parents and her sisters, but not for us....because he says I am understanding. Thats what is hurtfull. He has the money. Your right, it's not about gifts, but my father has made it about gifts. He would get bumbed out if he didnt get something big and nice from my husband and I. So it's weird to hear him say this. I think he still expects me to get him something too.

He doesnt have finaicail problems!! He is ALWAYS like that. They live in a huge 400k house and drive nice cars and have thousands in savings. He is just being a prick! He has money!! He gets like this from time to time and starts freaking out and saying this stuff.

Answer 1

Hi there Rebekah. And sorry to hear about the situation you are in. It sounds very familiar to what my husband goes Thur with his brother minus the age difference. I deal with this too on a smaller scale with my sister. There are 13 years between she and I. We both get gifts from mom, but she always gets the better. I normally don't say anything. I guess its not my nature unless its hurting someone else I love.

In your case I think I would have to say something. I don't think its about the gifts or money with you. I have answered back and forth with you so much I think I know what you are trying to say. It's the idea. And it hurts. He is thinking about his 'new' family and not about you or your loved ones. He is hurting you and your loved ones. IF he could not afford it, thats one thing. But to give to others and not you/your loved ones is rude. Tell him you are hurt by this. Explain to him that its not the gifts you care about, but the idea that your family doesn't seem as important as his new family and this shows by his words and actions. If nothing comes of your talk with him and he doesn't seem to still care take a 'dad break'... Don't call for a while... don't go around for a bit. Maybe he will think then about the fact that he did hurt you?

I don't know... Just a suggestion. I take 'dad breaks' occasionally. It always works out. Good luck to you!!

P.S. One day late (wink ;) Think lots of baby dust for me... I will think good thoughts for you and your family, as always.

Lyn

Answer 2

I guess I would be hurt too, but Christmas isn't about gift giving, it is about the celebration of the birth of Christ. SO with that thought, remember that it is about family, and show all the love and respect that you would normally do so on this day. Show that you are the better person.

HOWEVER, I would not return the gift giving either. Just tell him that you thought that since he wasn't buying any gifts this year for you and your family that it meant that there was NO gift exchange-for him, his wife or his precious little Ward. Don't go out of your way for them in the gift department, however make sure you visit, call, have dinner, what ever you "normally" do(this will make him feel like a heel if nothing else!)--just with out the presents.

Good Luck! Don't feel slighted, remember what a dear and loving family that you have with your husband and that you have many things to be thankful for. Like I said, don't change the routine, just change the money you are spending on that part of your family.

Answer 3

First, I want to say that in your shoes I would be very hurt as well. They are not doing Ward a favor by doing that, but it sounds like since the wife is the primary earner and doesn't seem to have any real guiding principles, *her* children will be put first. I have a strong feeling that your dad has placed himself in a position where he doesn't have much say or authority in his own home, and his new wife doesn't allow it either.

I am very sorry about this for you. That is just the way it looks to me. I hope your dad decides to stand up to her.

edit: Wow , does he ask you for that stuff because HE has no control over the money?

To tell you the truth, I personally get slighted a lot because I don't express that I am upset about something and people interpret that as I don't care how they treat me.

You shouldn't have to force people to do the decent thing, but I guess sometimes you do.

Answer 4

Being a son in a divorced family, I can see how that would make you upset. It is unfair that your dad will spend five hundred dollars on his son and none on you. You are the oldest and because you are an adult, you really don't need that much. I would call my dad and say that I was really hurt that you wouldn't buy anything for me and say that I really don't need something big, just a gift certificate or something, then your dad could spend the rest of his money for his son. Don't know if that makes sense, but sorry about your christmas.

Answer 5

I understand totally why you wanted to keep this fairly secret for now! I definitely do! You have a right to be angry, for sure. You trusted people with very special information, and they blew that trust totally out of the water. Having said that, I guess the decision you need to make is - is this situation worth potentially wrecking some relationships. If you throw a fit or something like that, likely someone will be hurt (along with you still) and that will probably lead to continued hurt feelings. My advice is that you should talk to the people that you told (and asked not to say anything) and explain to them how they have hurt you. After that, you need to decide what to do. Either let it go or hold onto it, obviously the damage is done, and when it comes down to it - YOU are the one you need to worry about, well, you and your partner. Good luck with this crappy situation!

Answer 6

I don't understand why he thinks he needs to spend $500 on your little brother, that's a bit much if you ask me. He should get you something if even one thing but you are an adult so the main concern is for the child. I wouldn't say anything because you may just strain your relationship with him but you shouldn't expect anything because it is being selfish, as long as you have him in your life that should be enough, and you have to give him lots of credit for stepping up to the plate and raising you.

Answer 7

Wow, that was an earful...I think you think way too much into things and no you should not be mad nor should you call your dad a prick. He is not obligated to give gifts regardless of his finances. Christmas isn't even about gifts anyway, sure they are nice, but it should make you happy that Ward has a great Christmas as you did as a child. Happy Holidays.

Answer 8

I know what youre talking about, it really gets to me too, my mother re-married now she has 3 toddlers to raise, from her new husband. Even though this can be quite upsetting I have to just try to tell myself that, I am out of the house now, not a kid anymore, and my mom has found a new life with other responsibilities. This doesnt make her any less my mom, what I do now is still go and visit often but I focus more on my own life, and not let any of this get to me.

All the best

Answer 9

hear about the situation you are in. It sounds very familiar to what my husband goes Thur with his brother minus the age difference. I deal with this too on a smaller scale with my sister. There are 13 years between she and I. We both get gifts from mom, but she always gets the better. I normally don't say anything. I guess its not my nature unless its hurting someone else I love.

Answer 10

Love your dad regardless don't be upset with him, remember it is not his money it's his wife's money. Since she feels that she cannot afford any extra spending then overlook it accept it and move on. Also he did not say he was not going to spend time with you did he and if he did then perhaps you two should have a heart to heart. (Not about the money though because it is not his money, remember that).
Wait a minute.... what do you mean he has money you say he stays at home and does not work that means all cash is his wife's so she has the say so on how SHE wants HER money spent. And if this is his bit@#y attitude always then FORGET ABOUT IT!! Your and adult don't put out cash on them either because your now tight on cash too. Get my meaning. I'm sure your better than this. Move on girl.