Why does my son love his dead beat dad?

Question

I recently been having promplems with my 12 year old son. I raised my son till he was 8 years old all by myself because me and his father seperated when he was 1, and I married right after he turned 8. His father has never made the effort to see him or spend time with him and up until next year had never paid a single dollar in child support. His father is well known around town and people constantly speak about him to my son. He always brags about his father and any time I try to say anything negative he comes to his defense. My husband of 4 years has been there for him whenever he needs something, yet he favors the father that has never given a s**t about him. Now that he pays child support he suppose to have him on the weekends and he has yet to pick him up once. Will someone please give me some advice or try to explain to me why my son favors the dead beat dad that has never been around?

I forgot to mention that I don't mind him loving his father or that I even talk bad about him all the time, what angers me is that my son loves him alot and I don't see the same affection from his dad. I wish his father would show him some love then I wouldn't resent him so much. I just don't want my son getting hurt.

Answer 1

I'm going to go out on a limb here and ignore the current advice. You asked a specific question and I'll attempt to answer you specifically. Actually it's the age. His current father (you know the one who is really raising him) is not going to get kudos for this until very late in the game. Hopefully he is a man of patience. Normally when you remarry when sons (especially boys) are hitting their teenage years they tend to have a very difficult time accepting a step parent. (This by the way.. is based upon study after study)

Okay lastly this; you don't have to say anything but you are completely allowed to speak the truth. He loves his father because he represents himself at this age - by the sounds of your note - he is loving a ghost. He certainly does not know the man by the content of your note. Don't speak of the ghost anymore. Some families never let the ex go - let this guy go completely. In word and in deed. If he does not pay child support discuss this with your husband out of ear shot of your child. If he wants to talk about his biological father - say no. Let the darn subject drop meanwhile, in time your hubby will get the respect he deserves but the idol has to fall first.

Both of you can be patient and in time he'll see the truth himself. (I'm assuming he's bright.)

Hope that helps.

Answer 2

Let's start here, don't say one single negative thing about the father. Whether the father deserves it or not, your son will resent you and the stepfather for it.

Now to the psychological stuff, your son craves attention and love from his father because he is his father (even if only biologically). The thing is that it hurts to not be loved and or valued by those whose blood was necessary to create you. Deep down, very deep down, your son knows what his father is. And it hurts. A lot. Your son can't possibly understand by the father is so cruel that he doesn't give a rat's behind for his own son. Your son figures, although not consciously, that if he pretends that his father is great - eventually he can begin to believe that his father is great. And then maybe his father will see this and be interested in him. What it is, is false hope.

I know, my father abandoned us when I was three months old. Even though I didn't actually meet him, and only for a couple of days, until I was eleven, I used to tell people that he was coming to see me and that we were going to do stuff. I actually believed it for a long time. He never did. He still hasn't. I'm beginning to think that he's never going to approach me. And it's not like he doesn't know where to find me. The sad thing is that it still hurts and I still don't understand why. I often wonder when the day will come when someone will come to tell me that he died. I dread this day. I dread it because then I will have to accept that he's not coming. Oh, I'm almost 37 years old.


Raise him as best you can and love him.

Answer 3

First off, you need to not badmouth your ex to your son no matter how much you can't stand him. When you insult or degrade your ex, you are also insulting your son - he is, after all, half his father. It's gonna be hard but you need to be the better person. Second, your son is 12...and his father will always be his father...that will never change. He probably yearns for his dad to be a real father so he has him built up to be super dad in his mind. Your son at this age doesn't have the emotional maturity or intellect to figure out that he's wasting his time idolizing his real dad and dismissing his stepfather. Let him come to the realization on his own - he will see all you did for him and all his father didn't do. It's something you will have to let him figure out on his own. Just continue to be a good mom and do the best you can. Good luck to you!

Answer 4

It's his "real" dad, and since you're probably the one that takes your anger out on him for not paying child support your son sees him as the vulnerable one. Also, since he holds no responsibility for your son, he's probably the "buddy buddy" type when he's around. One day, he'll make a promise that your son will feel is the best thing ever and he will let him down. IT WILL HAPPEN.Or he'll end up yelling at him and hurt his feelings. Or your son will hopefully come to his senses and realize how deadbeat he is before he gets hurt.

My suggestion is, the next time he doesn't pay the child support and your son wants something, tell him you can't afford it because his dad didn't pay child support, or tell him he didn't pay it last month.

Or when it's his dad's turn to take him for a weekend, tell him that he has something planned and he's supposed to come over and pick him up and they were supposed to be having a blast, and when he doesn't show up, your son will see him for what he truly is.

Whatever you do, don't make it seem like you're trying to get rid of him for the weekend, make it seem like his dad is really looking forward to see him.

Answer 5

because it is his dad.. a step dad no matter how loving can only do so much.. also... you should NEVER talk badly about your childs father- unless he has seriously injured or killed sumone that would be an exception. The more negative ly you talk about someone the worse you make yourself look. Also it is VERY unhealthy for the child to hear these things. If you have opinions about his fatehr keep them to yourself or be very vague. For instance- if your son asks you why his dad tells him he will see him and every weekend does show up- instead of saying "your dad always does this because he is a dead beat and only cares about himself" say something more like ," I don;t know honey, why dont you ask him. Your father has some problems he may be trying to work out" or something to that effect. I have seen it happen too many times that the parents bad mouth each other or even one sided and it enver ends up good. My brother was one of those "dead" beat dads and now his oldest kids are in their late teens and have had many angry emotions towards their mom and dad as well as thier mom's mom. And the one thing above all that i hear them say is they wish thier mom and grandma wouldnt have talked so badly about thier dad. I would say that your son is old enough to have some say in wether or not he gets to see his dad. I never wanted to see my dad- he was kind of a dead beat, but my mom always encouraged me to have a relationship with him and in the end it was my decision... and i said if he wants to see me he is an adult and he can come see me or call me. ANd he enver did. But i am glad that my mom let me form my own thoughts about my father. You may need to go to court over it if he wants to see his dad but his dad doesnt come when promised... maybe it will come down to either you do what you say or you have no relationship... it might make him wakeup.

Answer 6

Because he keeps hearing good things about his dad from other people but he's never actually spent time with his dad so he assumes that he's a great guy, when he's not. Instead of saying bad stuff about his father to him, tell him how much your husband does your him and he should appreciate him more. Sooner or later, your son will realize that his biological father isn't as great as he assumes because if he was then he would have made an effort to spend time with your son but, instead, he was off doing god knows what.

Answer 7

He favors his Dad because he is HIS Dad. Don't try talking down his Dad, it only turns your son away from you. He will eventually see that his Dad is a dead beat when he continues to disappoint your son by not showing up to spend time with him. There is only so many times a kid can hear excuses and lies before they know what is true. Be prepared for the anger your son will have. Just be there for him and don't talk down his Dad, he'll do that all on his own. The way your son is defending him, it sounds like he already sees it and hasn't yet let himself believe it. Just let it be, continue to love your son and wait. Good Luck!

Answer 8

Your son has a good heart. I was the same way with my dad. I am 20 and my dad has been apart of at the most 4 years of my life. He passed when I was 17. No matter what my mom or anyone said bad about him, I loved him even when I didn't even know him. No one could ever take his place. My dad was in jail and on drugs for the most part of my life. I look at it now and I still respect him and love him so much. I feel like or at least I want to believe that he wasn't there because he knew that it was better for him not to bring those bad things in my life. I respect him for that. When my dad was around I felt his love for me. Your son wouldn't care about and favor him for no good reason. If he felt like he was bad to him you can bet he wouldn't want a thing to do with him.

Answer 9

Isn't it sad that children will love their parents no matter what kind of parents they have? I've shed some tears thinking about how my four year old already talks about his dad when he hasn't even seen him since he was 2. He asked me where his dad was, I told him his father is sick inside his head right now, if he ever gets better, he'll come and visit you. Then I cried myself to sleep that night.

The children have so much love within themselves, they will still have respect for their parents, no matter how dead beat they are. I guess just let him keep his respect for dad. Try not to talk bad about him in front of him.

I believe in karma, my sons dad is no doubt having a hard life wherever he is right now.

Answer 10

He is 12 and as we all know children try to find the good in everyone. He is trying to hold on to the hope that his real father really does care about him. You can't blame him for trying to see the good in his father even if you think he is a dead beat your son sees something different. Sounds like you have a good boy because it is a selfless act to find the good in someone that has done you wrong. He knows deep down inside but he still wants to respect his father. I hope that this helps you. God Bless !!