My maternal grandmother is 95 year old. She suffers from dementia and she is causing a lot of problems with my parents and family. Even before she had dementia she always had a mean personality and has verbally abused my mom. Right now she lives with my mom and dad. She really doesn't cooperate or gives my parents breaks to do things for themselves. My parents at this point are considering putting her in a nursing home. There are a lot of people who think putting your elderely loved ones in a nursing home is wrong. What do you all think?
2007-08-23 03:58:36 · 21 answers · asked by L 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
It's better than putting her out in the snow to die.
2007-08-23 04:35:20 · answer #1 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I worked with elderly persons as an assisted living director for over seven years. One of the hardest decisions that a peson will ever make is to put a loved one in a nursing home. Some of the things that make this decision easier are: Is the person able to contribute to her care in their home, is her quality of life good while she is living with your parents, is she well cared for, does she eat well, drink regularly. Probably all of those questions you answered yes to. Now- Is your parent's quality of life good, do other family members take grandma for a few days every now and then and give your parents a break. Sometimes the person has a better quality of life with more things tailored to meet the needs of a person with dementia in a nursing home setting. I am not advocating that you just run out and take your grandmother to the first nursing home down the street. Do some homework, visit (unannounced) some of the nursing homes that you are considering. Is there an odor, are residents smiling and happy, do staff members offer to help you or seem to ignore you, your family member will probably receive the same treatment. Do they seem too busy to show you around. A place should not make you have an appointment for someone to be able to talk to you about placing someone in their care, you might not be able to talk to the right person, but they should offer you a name, when someone will be in and offer to assist you, even if the right person is not in. If you don't feel comfortable in that particular place, keep looking until you do. A kind face and offer of help is often preferable to a hotel like atmosphere where a person may not always receive any better care than in an older facility. I wish you well in making this decision. It is one decision you should make with your head-not with your heart.
2007-08-23 10:28:50 · answer #2 · answered by GrammieN 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
95 is really getting up there! Bless her heart! I'm sure she's been through a lot and trying to cope with having dementia is probably pretty frustrating for her also, let alone the wear and tear on your family. It's understandable that you're all in a dilema about what to do. But, there are some really good adult homes where she could go. Be sure to check them all out carefully. They'll be better prepared to take care of what her problems are, give her needed medications and on time, make sure she eats, etc.
My sister who's 58 has been in a nursing home for 5 years. We monitor her care about every 2 weeks.
Don't feel guilty, it will probably be the best for everyone concerned.
Good luck and hang in there.
2007-08-23 06:37:25 · answer #3 · answered by sugar♥barrels 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everyone really hates to lose a loved one. Everyone dislikes sending someone to a nursing home, or going into one for themself. What's the longest someone can still live to, is it 109? When a person is as old as 100 it seems to me that when they go to a nursing home they don't live much longer than that because the change in surroundings takes everything out of them, plus they wouldn't have familiar faces around them and probably will friek out. I presume there would be medications to calm her down, getting her to take that is another thing though, a shot could break off if she gets violent. The choice is yours however the longer it goes on the worse it will get. If she's tough on the police it's time to get her medication though. Sorry I don't have better advice for you...except that I'd suggest that you pray over it, make amends with her (even in your own mind since she's not all there) and then do what you have to do and ask for forgiveness. She's had a good long life.
2016-05-20 23:22:32 · answer #4 · answered by soledad 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course it's not wrong to think about it. Thought is free.
Your parents have to make the decision themselves, however. It's not your choice.
It might be that she would get better care at a nursing home, or it might be worse. They would have to look into this.
But if they have cared for her this long, maybe they could get some other kind of assistance, like a part-time companion or adult day care, to give them a break.
You said your grandmother has always been mean and verbally abusive, but there may be more to the relationship than you understand. You can't automatically assume that caring for her is meaningless to your mother. When my dad was in his last years, some people though my mom should put him in a nursing home or even kill him! They said she "had better things to do" than care for him. She found this really shocking: what could she be doing that was better? (Of course he was never mean, but he did need full time care.) And of course it didn't last forever. Spending the time on your grandmother now may be worth the feeling of satisfaction to your parents. I don't know, of course. I'm just saying that it is their choice. I imagine you took a lot of their time and put a crimp in their activities too, at one time!
Enjoy your freedom now; some day you will probably have to take care of somebody, a child or a parent, and I hope you will enjoy that too.
2007-08-23 04:15:04 · answer #5 · answered by The First Dragon 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We had to make that decision, it was hard and we still feel bad about having to do that.
But - my mother in law needed far more care at a much higher level than we could provide - and she needed it 24 hours a day.
Dementia coupled with verbal abuse is beyond what anyone should have to live with.
Do the research to find her the best possible nursing home. Once she is there, don't forget about her - visit if you can, if not, send postcards and little, useful gifts (like stamps and stationary) on a regular basis.
2007-08-23 04:15:32 · answer #6 · answered by stenobrachius 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Putting your loved one in a nursing home is a difficult decision to make. However, you must contemplate what is in the best interest of your grandmother. She probably needs 24 hour care and unless you have a full-time nurse to care for her at home she is probable not going to get the care she deseerves. That's doesn't mean her family has failed her. It only means she is at a point in her life where she needs this type of care. This is part of supporting your grandmother. You will still be able to visit her and spend time with her but she may be better off there. Good luck to you.
2007-08-23 04:10:16 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
There comes a time when you have no choice, Tell your Mom not to feel guilty, she has done a great job. Be sure to check out the home well, and visit Grandma a lot when she gets there. My Mother-in-law had to be put in a home and she loved it, things to do and people her own age. The family just made sure everyone visited, that way not just one person with doing all the running. It worked for everyone. Mom is doing the right thing for everyone.
2007-08-23 04:59:03 · answer #8 · answered by Granny 1 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a hard decision to make you cant help but think how would I feel if my family put me in a home when I got old but then again I wouldnt want to burden them either if she is verbally abusive and is just too stressful to handle then it may be the right choice just dont forget about her make sure she is visited often. Man I really dont want to get old I hope I kick the bucket before I get to the stage where I cant take care of myself. Kinda weird you come into the world the same way you go out just older.
2007-08-23 04:27:23 · answer #9 · answered by freckleface 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
i know what youre going through,putting an elderly person with dementia in a nursing home is not wrong,its for the good of the family as well as the person involved,she will get the best of care and your family will get a much needed rest.i have this problem as well,my father is in the early stages of dementia and is aggravating my mother with his actions ,hes repititious and just plain off the wall.i hate to see that happen to him,but if its needed then so be it.as for your grandmother being put in a nursing home?no,its not wrong,its for her own good as well as for the familys good.
2007-08-23 04:58:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to put someone you love in the care of someone else, when everyone else is making you feel guilty about it. But the truth of the matter is, if she's making life difficult for you, what choice do you have?
It's unfair for you to spend all your time with someone who is ridiculing and abusing your other family members because they're just mean.
I would say that as long as you all had regular weekly visits to see your grandmother, then there should be no guilt in putting her there so someone else can help you out with her so you all can have a life of your own.
2007-08-23 04:12:00 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋