My boyfriend whom I love very much is taking care of children that I am almost positive are not his. These kids, (boy and a girl) look nothing like him. It's a joke to everyone around him and we have been telling him for years that he should get a paternity test just so he can know for sure but he won't do it. He keeps making excuses like It cost too much money or because he really thinks those are his biological children. It is causing major problems in our relationship because I know the kid's mother knows the truth and she uses him for money to take care of some other man's kids but my boyfriend won't listen to me when I tell him that. I don't know what to do anymore. It bothers me so much because the kid's mother intentionally causes problems in our relationship by calling him all the time and asking him for money and half the time she won't even let him see those kids. Somebody please tell me what to do. I don't want to leave him but this has been going on for too long.
2007-08-23 03:11:47 · 19 answers · asked by Mrs. Digitts 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
He apparently loves those kids whether they are his or not but I find it strange that if he loves them he doesnt actively seek partial custody if he is paying her support. Then she couldnt refuse for him to see them.
If your not willing to leave him then you may be stuck with this for a very long time.
2007-08-23 05:22:16 · answer #1 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The best advise I can give is that you are going to have to stand by his believes, you already suggested a paternity test to him, but he has declined to get it done. Part of being in a relationship with a person that has children that he takes responsibility for, rather they are his or not - is that the children are first. Your believes really shouldn't be a factor here - its his. I think you need to take a step back and think if you are willing to be a supporter of these kids or not. If you want a future with your bf, then welcome the kids with welcome arms and don't listen to negative comments from everyone else that makes it into a joke. Your boyfriend needs someone strong by his side and someone that will be on his side. Also you can not take the notion that just be the kids don't look like him, really doesn't mean anything. My oldest is a image of me and nothing like his father.
Good luck and I really hope things work out for the two of you, but especially for the children. After all, they are the most important thing here in the end.
2007-08-23 10:25:38 · answer #2 · answered by jaredsmommy2004 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the question is not whether you believe they are his but he does. If he has been supporting these children and wants to see them more, he needs to go to court and get visitation. they will do a paternity test there. If they are his he will get his rights and child support will be set. If they are not, then a few things will happen. He can ask to still be a part of their lives especially if he is the only father they have known, he can ask to be named the father or he can walk away with no obligation. If you truly love him you need support him and love the kids as he does. He will hate you if you make him choose. Just support him in whatever he decides, after all this is a decision he needs to make.
2007-08-23 10:41:36 · answer #3 · answered by chris d 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it may be hard to watch this happen.
But the worst thing you can do is deny these kids and they turn out to be his forreal.
It is sad that he is going through it, but you need to support him, he obviously knows something you don't and unless you were in the room and watched him strap it on ( even though that is not 100%) you kind of need to back off.
Maybe he is rebelling against the paternity because in his heart he feels that the kids are his.
I had a boyfriend that didn't believe his son was his, he took a paternity test, and this little boy really did not look like him at all, but guess what, 99.9999%. I am so glad that I did not deny that baby, and act mean towards him, or put negative things in his mind, because I would have looked like a damn immature fool. Know your role, and play your part. he'll love you for it. trust me.
2007-08-23 10:39:21 · answer #4 · answered by *HOT*GHETTO*MESS* 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A word to the wise....if you make an ultimatum, 'me or those kids', it is usually the one who makes the ultimatum that loses in the end. You need to deal with yourown feelings of not wanting to share your boyfriend with his kids (they are his 'kids' DNA or not because he believes them as such). Say he did take a test and found they weren't his, would he then not get to see them? Would they be cut off from a male role model? There are other effects from a DNA test other than just 'getting your man away from the baby moma'. But if that is all you are looking for, you being the center of his universe, get over yourself. Children always should come first before some add on girlfriend.
2007-08-23 11:30:50 · answer #5 · answered by momatad 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he knows that they may not be his, but he loves them and doesn't really want to confirm it for the fear of feeling differently about them. I know it doesn't make sense for him to be taking care of kids that aren't his, but he does not want to lose them. His ex should be ashamed of herself for using the kids, but honestly, there is nothing that you can do about it untill he really wants to know the truth himself. If you can not accept that, it will only cause more problems between you.
On the other hand, what does his family think? Maybe you could join forces if they feel the same as you do. A man is more likely to take that kind of advice from his family than his girlfriend, simply because it may come across to him as you being jealous of his relationship with his kids, even though I am sure that is not the case.
You may want to try to convince him to get a lawyer to have his rights to visitation established. If they were not married, then a parternity test is usually a part of that procedure, regardless of wether you question the paternity.
Good luck, and I hope this helps. :)
2007-08-23 10:34:50 · answer #6 · answered by GiGi! 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If he feels he is the father, has acted like the father and wants to be the father then he isn't going to turn his back on 'his kids' no matter what you say.
If he wants a DNA test and it proves that he is not the dad? who has won? Does it mean he doesn't see the kids anymore?
The children will have lost their dad. How is he going to tell them that? "By the way, I am not your dad we had a DNA test so I don't have to pay for you anymore, or see you"
This matter is for your boyfriend to deal with if you were married, I would understand your position more, as legally he would be responsible to you as well. But, he is doing what is right by his kids.
Remember anyone can make a child but it takes a real man to be a dad.
2007-08-23 10:51:46 · answer #7 · answered by Mama~peapod 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you have your nose stuck where it doesn't belong, hon.
the boyfriend apparently LOVES these children and has accepted them as his own. whether they are his or not, probably doesn't matter to him because of the love he has for them. let him love them. and be happy you have a man who has a heart and some compassion and love for others...
his ex isn't your problem, either. while she tries to "use him for money" as you say, your boyfriend is the one who has to stop it.... if he is giving her extra money, well it's HIS MONEY and he can do with it whatever he likes.
Now, if you two decide to get married, then you need to have the discussion about giving her extra money above child support, and if you don't want that to happen you are going to have to make it clear... and both agree on things when it comes to his children. There is a lot to discuss BEFORE marriage, and i hope you will keep that in mind...
if his ex doesn't let him see the kids all of the time HE has to take the initiative to change that situation. again, it's not up to you.
what you can do is set your own personal boundaries... stop letting HIS ex bother you... HE needs to deal with her.
you are letting this woman control your emotions and life.....
if you can't accept his situation at face value, or let him take care of his own issues, then you might want to move on?
allowing these situations to control the succes or failure of our relationships, is a set up for disaster.
2007-08-23 10:23:16 · answer #8 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This sounds like a man you want to keep hold of. Have yo uever thought that maybe he loves them very much and eventhough he probably isn't their father, he is still their dad (big difference). Kids are not pawns, and while she might be using them and you are bathered by it, remember that these children are human beings and need love and affection and it sounds like they might be getting it from him. This society needs more men like him. Also, remember (especially if you are in love with this man, which you say you do) these kids where in his life before you.
2007-08-23 11:23:24 · answer #9 · answered by my4ccoa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe hes hoping to get back with her his ex, a friend of my was dating a guy with similar problem as your, he had two kids & even he would say that his son is not his coz he doesn't look anything like him, so we force him so much to get a DNA test but he was keep refuseing it, & always he had a good excuse that if he did the test & then he won't be able to see him any more but he would treat this kid only the son like a stranger in private, like scolding him, not giving him love or attention, later on we find out that he was keep asking his ex to come back, for for his kids sake lol
so you make sure he get the DNA test, why is he wasting his money for stranger, later on maybe you two will have kids what about them, he has to choice you or his so called kids
2007-08-23 10:24:52 · answer #10 · answered by maya 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Men have blinders on when it comes to this type of situation. As the past does predicts the future, as long as you are in the relationship, you are going to have this drama, the question is do you want to continue living in his soap opera. Take stock of you and what you want out of life and a relationship, because the baby mama drama will go on for many years to come. God Bless.
2007-08-27 06:25:42 · answer #11 · answered by Bethy4 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋