I'm at a lost when dealing with my husband's laziness and selfishness?

Question

I've been married for nearly 2 years now and find myself completely frustrated and increasingly growing distant from my husband. He was a very spoiled mama's boy before we got married. Now, I feel like his maid and secretary more than his wife. He never picks up his trash or puts laundry in the hamper although I'd asked him to several times. He constantly demands that I fetch everything for him when he's at home such as a drink, cigarettes, his phone, etc. He never tries to do much of anything for himself, instead demanding that I take care of it. I feel so worn out and used from constantly meeting his demands. My resentment is building everyday until I begin to wonder if i even still love him. I've tried discussing these things with him but he doesn't do talks about emotions and feelings unless he's drunk. In fact, he hasn't even told me he loves me in over 2 months. I want to work it out but am I really just beating a dead horse?

Answer 1

Stop doing all the stuff that he demands. Tell him straight up "I'm not your servant."

Answer 2

SOunds like a dead horse but you never know! I am old and tired so if it was me the answer would be simple- see ya! But I think today people give up to easily in relationships. I cant really help you teach him how to not be so lazy except to say that you are enabling him by doing so much for him! You can say you are his wife and he should hire a maid! You used to do it caused you loved him and it made YOU feel good doing things forhim but that isnt like that anymore. This may cause more trouble so be prepared! So I'll end with a story for you. Now I cant be this vicious, and I dont have the mentaltiy to think this way but this is one of the things a friend did to her husband and she has many stories like this! 45 yrs ago they got married. For the first few weeks he would throw his dirty clothes next to the hamper! Yep, right on the floor next to the hamper! So after the initial bliss was over and they settled into the matrimonial routine, she asked him to at least get his clothes into the hamper. The next day he did it again. I guess it was too much for him so she said I will never do your laundry again and she NEVER has! To me, that seems a little far out. I couldnt do that. But she islike that in many ways! If you can tolerate the mess it would cause, then tell hubby to get off the keister and clean up for himself, get a dog to fetch his stuff and start being more considerate of you! If he doesnt clean up, dont you do it either. If he wants to smoke, make him get it and tellhim while hes up to come back with his drink and one for you too, along with his phone. These things are very frustrating and I know how you can become dienchanted with your marraige. To me, each of us should give 150% not 50 /50. A man is no better than the woman, and all chores csn be done by both. And I married a man that fits the description! If you know how he is now- what will it be like with kids? You need to evaluate your marraige, have a serious chat with him and make the choice to stay and deal with it without complaing or pack your bags, count your loses and move forward and out! I cook dinner, when I am well (have a brain tumor), and my husband serves it to me every night hes home. He travels a lot for work! He brings me coffee every morning, hes changed diapers asmuch as me, goes to school functions, he does dishes, laundry whatever needs to be done even after being gone all week. Now he does have his faults, and to me they can be big faults too! But I have to concentrate on the wonderful things he does and is or I would be out the door. And no matter what- he tells me he loves me - usually several times a day no matter what I tell him! I hope you find a way to handle this and get that man out of the chair and get back on track with your relationship. Best Wishes!

Answer 3

I understand you 100% because I too am with a mummy's boy, he was the youngest and the most spoilt. He has to have his meat cut up, his clothes laid out, a glass of water taken up to bed, the list is endless. The kitchen worktop has to be clutter-free (even though his own mother's kitchen was a dump). He even had a go at me about the order I dished his Chinese take away onto the plate - rice should always go on the plate first! In the end they wear you down, i've put up with it for 13 years for the sake of the kids - I don't know if you have kids together but if they do anything wrong then he blames me. In fact I get the blame for everything except the weather. The only thing he does for me is make me a cup of tea in the morning. He has never once cooked me a meal, and if he decides he wants a take-away then I am the one who has to get in the car and go out to get it. Sometimes I too wonder why I put up with it. I have three friends who have all left their husbands and are blissfully happy now with their new men. I wish I had the courage (money) to leave him, perhaps one day....this isn't an answer but just to let you know you are not alone. Good luck.

Answer 4

i don't think that you should give up on your marriage just yet!!!!! BUT I do think you need to teach your other half a lesson. You r his wife NOT his cleaner!!! Start by:
* Put a rota in place, (next to fridge or t.v, you could label the remote with a small rota for extra effect!) Do not ask him just let him know that he has responsibilities in the house as well as you!
* Nail all his dirty laundry to the wall, I know this sounds drastic, but I once did this to my boyfriend and it works a treat, he will soon get fed up of seeing all his dirty pants nailed up for e1 to see!!
* Do not wash anything that has not been put in basket, and invest in some itching powder for these items, ready for that morning when he gets up late, grabs the first thing to hand, and then itches like f**k for the rest of the day!! This also works!!
* Book meals and nights out, on his credit card, of course! Let him know that you would like to spend more time with him as you have been growing apart recently, if he makes no effort or doesn't want to join you, YOU must still go out as it is already booked, take a friend and still go out and enjoy yourself.
*MAKE sure you r never at his beck and call like that again, marriage should be a partnership.
*Try these tips and you will soon find out whether you r flogging a dead horse or not, and if you are!
SAY GOODBYE!!!!!!!!
Good luck!

Answer 5

He only does to you what you let him do. Just because you are his wife doesn't mean you are his maid, or servant. You don't have to do anything for him that you don't want to do. You don't have to discuss it with him, just stop doing things for him. You are more angry at yourself for giving in to his demands anyway. So stand up for yourself and stop being his slave. You can't change him, but you can certainly change what you are doing. Don't let him intimidate you. Because that is the first thing he will try. Just take care of your self and let him suffer in his own messes, just clean around all his stuff and leave it all right where he throws it. Stop doing his laundry, cooking, fetching anything for him. Tell him you are not his slave any longer as of now. You can do it and you will like yourself so much better when you stand up for yourself.

Love is a choice. Don't for get your wedding vows either. Just know that you must stay committed to your marriage, but it doesn't mean you have to be his slave.

Answer 6

Well, when he married you he expected a Mommy Part 2, and it looks like you're giving it to him. I'm sorry to have to say this, but it looks like a no-hoper. If I were you, I would issue him a strong warning that I will leave if he doesn't stop being such a big child and start acting like a husband, and if he laughs at you, just pack your things and go. This is not a happy relationship, better no relationship at all than an unhappy one.

The very best of luck.

Answer 7

Stop now! Don't do another thing for him, its time to start exercising some tough love! You cannot carry on like this. Is there somewhere you can go for a week or two away from him? You need some time and space to figure out where to go from here, and if you leave him 'home alone' he cannot help but begin to realise how dependent he has become. If you can't get away then you need to do the next best thing, which is simply to ignore him and his demands, saying 'I'm not your mother you know' if he asks you to do something for him. Start now and don't feel guilty about it, its for his benefit in the end as well as your own.

Answer 8

Hi, I wouldn't do those things for him, tell him to get them himself, i was married to a lazy man, i had to do everything for him and that even included decorating, gardening etc.... he had the excuse that he worked (so do i ) and that he was in the Territorial Army and he was away most weekends, if he had to do anything he would be so grumpy and give me a hard time so i wouldn't ask him again. It got that way, that everything i did became a chore for me and i hated it. No matter how much i asked nothing would be done. I was on the verge of getting rid of him, when he left us (5 years ago after 25 years of marriage) for a younger woman, Good Luck to her bet he is still the same. I now love doing the household chores, decorating, gardening etc.... it's not a chore anymore it's a labour of love. And i must tell you i swore i would never ever get myself in that situation again, and i never have.

Answer 9

Hi Caledonias_16,
The best approach is to tell him straight up that you aren't his servant and that you ain't putting up with this kind of treatment anymore..Say it without raising your voice. simply state it. Then refuse when he ask you to do something you feel he is perfectly capable of doing. Of course there's the risk of his anger or outburst. If you can withstand that 1st outburst, you'll be ok. Because once he settled down and the everything quiets down at night it will register in his mind. Every words you said will ring in his ears. The next day start to stretch your patience. Be observant also. There may be signs of changes, but this will not happen overnight. By doing this you are actually making effort to save your marriage.. If and when he fails to respond and continue doing those things you detested, then I believe you should start thinking of walking away from this relationship. If it's a marriage that results in building up of resentments and falling out of love, then walk away before it turns to hating each other.

Answer 10

methinks its time you went off on a little four day break to a hotel. Then in those four days, he will realise that you are NOT his skivvy. This is what he appears to be treating you as right now.So it will get messy but it will make him understand just how much you do for him.. a four day strike break sounds a marvellous idea for you

Discussion doesnt seem to be working for you both, so maybe time out will.

He will realise that the bin doesnt empty itself, there isnt a washing up fairy, she doesnt pick up the rubbish or pass him his phone, cigs, throw his dirty washing into the clothes bucket, or a sweeping up fairy etc.

It will get a bit messy for those days but perhaps it will also give him a bit of sense.

Marriage isnt a skivvy and master situation and its about time he realised this. Its supposed to be a fifty fifty partnership.

Answer 11

The best thing you can do is stop doing things for him...Now, the house may get messier for a little time, and he may argue with you about, but eventually, he'll have to learn that he has to keep his end of the bargain...this would also have to include intimate relations too, that will really drive the message home...Every relation counselor I've seen will say the same thing..Talk doesn't work with men, example does.