what do you think *edited*?

Question

What do you think?

as i walk to you
my heart breaks in two
what do you care
why are you there
why am i here
as i walk away i start to say
farewell
farewell to the evil
farewell to good
farewell to kind
farewell to the rude
farewell to the careless
farewell to it all
as i slowly fade away so no one is there
i start to think
was it worth it all?

i am 12 so yea tell me what you think please do be honest

Answer 1

It's good for your age. I don't know if all the farewells are working. Maybe cut a few of them.

farewell
farewell to the evil,
farewell to the good,
to the kind, to the rude,
to the careless, to it all

Answer 2

It actually has promise. I too think you have too many "farewells", but I'd edit it a bit differently...like this:

As i walk to you
My heart breaks in two
What do you care?
Why are you there?
Why am i here?
As I walk away, I start to say
Farewell
Farewell to the evil
To the good, the kind
To the rude, the careless
Farewell
Farewell to it all
As I slowly fade
No one is there
I start to think
Was it worth it?
Was it worth it at all?

A few things...you'll notice that I capitalized all the "i's"...please show some fortitude and give yourself some pride...it's "I"...not "i". Next, I cut the extra farewells where I thought they were redundant, then added an extra "was it worth it". Why? because the way the farewells are echoed, it begged for a mirror image in the question as to whether or not it was worth it. You be the judge as to whether or not it works for you.

You're ahead of the game...don't stop now...keep writing

Answer 3

Honestly, for some one your age, you write very mature, and very good.
I love writing poetry, and I started at your age, but I have to admit, I was never any where as good as you are, in fact if I had meet you, I would definitely have been jealous!
I think you have a gift, and you should use it to the good, Have you thought about taking writing classes, or poetry classes? Id bet you would thrive in one of those! Good Luck on your poems, and keep writing.
by the way you should try this poetry web site, its my favorite, and i have many poems posted there(under Daci girl 26) You can submit your poems on there and they will give you honest feed back(from all kinds of diffrent people who write also) the site is called:The Poetry forum.com or .net

Answer 4

That's an interesting poem for a twelve year old.

You start out walking toward someone, then saying farewell, then end by fading away.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you are trying to portray here.
What broke your heart? And was What worth it all? Walking toward someone, or your heart breaking?
Not enough information.

Answer 5

I still like your poem....and regardless of what Erin said on your other posting, your poem is still very good. Even though you might lack life experiences, young teenage emotions can be some of the strongest emotions......You will never love as deep as you do your first love, so I feel you have depth enough....and never let anyone tell you how and what to write when it's your personal poetry. Write what you feel inspired by.

Answer 6

deeper. internal self not external sorounding, man. leave out the other beings, souls, thoughts. dont care about what the world is thinking care about what u are thinking, You need to be deeper. I think you need to read some emily dickinson and stop copying what shel silverstein is writing. jeezzz and no not all poems need to rhyme. and ur poem doesnt have balance. it lacks structure. it a mix of haiku and a list poem. and no it wasn't worth it all.

=)