My daughter is married to a monster.?

Question

My 33 year old daughter is married to a sadistic man who has beaten her down emotionally. She is afraid to leave him. This has occured over a 10 years.How can I help her

Answer 1

Well, ultimately she needs to help herself. If she can't or won't, you could intervene, but you'll need a solid plan, and some physical support. If she doesn't see the situation the same as you, she may come to resent you in the end, so be very careful how you proceed.

Hopefully since you don't mention it, there are no kids involved.

First, know when she's home and he's away.

2nd, have a safe place to take her to (not your house or any friend's house he knows). Maybe a hotel, maybe a relative in another city, maybe a women's shelter.

Next, have a plan for when he comes to you looking for her. You should not face a potential abuser alone. Obviously he doesn't view her as an equal, and if he views her like property, he may become enraged that someone would take his property without asking. If you live alone, have a friend or family member stay with you, or you leave also.

If he has any history of violence, see if you can get a restraining order against him. That may not stop him, but it will give you ammo if he violates it.

If none of this is realistic, the only real option is for her (and/or you) to get therapy to help deal with it. Clearly her self esteem is low, and there must be some reason she doesn't value herself enough to stand up to him or leave him. A therapist can help her work through that.

Answer 2

All you can do is BE there for your daughter, console her when she is hurting but you CANNOT interfere if your daughter hasn't had enough yet where she will leave him... are there children in their home????? Your daughter is going to have to find her OWN VOICE and speak up and kick this guy to the curb UNLESS SHE DOESN'T really WANT to.... sure it's scary but only SHE can do it... I went through this... I only took it for 3 years and then one day I got the nerve and literly kicked mine out the front door and NEVER let him back.... I haven't seen him since that day either and that was 27 YEARS ago.... my son was 2 years old at the time... it was VERY TOUGH being a single parent, especially since I had NO FAMILY HELP, but I did it and your daughter can do it as well....

You people who keep telling this person to call the police have NO CLUE do you????? The police will do NOTHING unless the DAUGHTER CALLS HERSELF!!!!! I've been there I KNOW... know one but the daughter can make that call and get a response.. and even THEN she might get nothing at all because the guy is not PHYSICAL to her according to what the questioner has said....

Answer 3

Unfortunately your daughter has to want to help herself. She has to be able to find that emotional and physical strength in herself to want to go. All you can do at this time is be there for her. Let her know what ever she decides you will support her don't belittle her husband (as hard as that may be) she already really knows what he is. It is probably just difficult for her to admit to herself more less you what an error in judgement she has made. You also can probably suggest options or tell her if she needs a place to stay she is welcome. It might help to get a close friend or family member involved sometimes children respond better to them then they do to their parents. Because they don't want to fail their parents or admit their failures. She most likely will someday come out of this she had you as a mother she knows that this is not right it will just take time painful time and supporting her right now may be the only thing you can do. If the abuse gets physical by all means get the law involved. She may resent you for it but in the long run she may just thank you for saving her life in that situation. Good luck to both of you.

Answer 4

Unless she admits there is a problem,no one can help her.She has to admit that he is hurting her and that it is not her fault.Unfortunately in these situations the abuser blames it all on the person who is being abused.
Because of the abuse,she has been convinced that it is her fault and she is the problem.
You need to get through to her that she is not to blame,she is not the one with the problem,her husband is.
its called battered wife syndrome which means he can abuse her as much as he likes and put the blame on your daughter.There is no easy fix to this and the best solution is for her to move out,but she will not because he has the power .He needs the power to be taken away from him.It is very important that this is resolved as soon as possible as abuse either physical or physcological will lead to even more serious consequences.

Answer 5

Is this JUST emotional abuse or is there physical abuse also?
Whatever happens, it has to be her choice! You cant decide whats best for her! She could make the decision to leave in the heat of the moment becasue you suggest it, and a month later turn around and go back! If it is a matter of just being afraid, you can help her get away! Many of us in that situation didnt have the resouces to leave! If there are children involved, there could be kidnapping issues, legal problems, many many things could happen so you would need to know this before involving kids! If she is that afraid of him, she needs the resources and help to be able to move where he is less likely to look or to pursue her! And she will need a great emotional support system to surrvive after she leaves. Can she support herself financially? This is a biggie in planning escape! It is very difficult for most moms and dads to watch the things their children go thru in life, especially things like abuse! The man you trusted her to, has betrayed you and her. EMOTIONAL support is the biggest thing. But it is hard in this situation for you to be supportive to her without tearing him down! The tables can turn if you tear him down and she may become defensive! If she isnt involved in outside activities, try to get her into some. And if you are close enough, go with her! PRAY Yes- most people beleive in some kind of prayer or religion. I would have given anything to have had my mom stand beside me or be on my side while I was in a BRUTAL marraige! If your daughter wont leave, then she needs as many outside activities as she can get so she can stay away from the home as much as possible. But I suspect that he is probably a very controlling person. Counseling or a support group can be very effective. I prefer support groups. Is it possible for her to move to another state where he would least expect her to go?
Can she support herself or does she have skills? Has she ever come right out and said, I want to leave? If so, then with careful planning ahead of time, one day when he's gone, go pack the necessities and help her leave. A cast iron skillet worked out a few of the problems I had with my husband. If the man is violent, it is very scarry to clean out the spare room and have her stay with you. The law is there to protect us, BUT it isnt infalable and certainly a resrtaining order is only as good as the paper it is written on. They are made for those who fear or respect the law. An angry or violent man does not often respect the law when it comes between him and his wife. He might do anything to get her back and if she is in your home, you could be in for real trouble. Fear is a great disabler! If she is beaten down emotionally, she may not be up to the challange of leaving. Best Wishes

Answer 6

The first thing I would do is to remove her from that style enviroment and then get a restraining order against her husband. File for a divorce and then seek her some help on dealing with the damage this jerk has caused. No women should live in fear or feel locked down like she is behind bars. If none of this works then do as a mother should do!!!!!

Answer 7

I've been in the SAME type of relationship for a year. Its been a emotional roller coaster. He has beaten me down in every way- My Mother thinks I enjoy this mental abuse. I just can't leave. I think its the fact that I feel very ALONE when I am not with him. and feeling like no other man would want me.

All I can say is do what I do for myself- Just keep active- and try and not get in between them two!

Answer 8

first don't do dramatic talk to her but don't push or she will get upset and he will find out monsters like him always knew there spouse or victim don't pusher her into anything but if you know that he is hitting her or she has any marks from him you can report him and the police will press charges she doesn't have to anymore but the thing is will she defend him or let him go to jail make sure she knows that without a doubt you are on her side and there for her i was here once and no matter what anyone said i knew that after he went to jail he would be out again and no one would really be there she is weak minded right now(to her self)I'm sure,i wasn't they make you think that you aren't worth being with and remind you of everything that your parents or friends and family have done wrong to you even the little things but when you are weak they make it so much bigger then it is and love is no longer a need you just want to be wanted and expected then loved maybe he could cheat and she would keep him im sure right now she may say otherwise but a time of weakness is truly when you see backwards and don't know if you want to beleave that he loves you and that its all you and that your the bad one for not trusting him and that you need to ,without him you life is nothing ,noone will really want you but anyways talk to her about how much you love her and want you want for her and him yes even if you have to pretend about wanting him do it ,it will help keep her close to you ,being mad at him will push her away and I'm sure you want nothing more then to bury him just be there for her and dont get to crazy on pushing him out she will let him go and see the light it dose get better after she leaves him god bless you and sorry so meny words it hit a spot hope that it all makes sense take care and im praying for you !

Answer 9

Back in the day, the community would come together and take a man like this out behind the woodshed for an unforgettable *** whoopin'.

As it is, if she chooses to stay with the guy, she must get some sort of emotional payout, or else she'd be the one here asking for advice.

Answer 10

Sadly you can't get her to leave or make a change unless she wants to. I've tried everything to save a friend but she would never go for it. The best thing is to keep supporting her and urging her to leave him. Let her know every time you talk to her that she can come home to you. She can also go to a woman's shelter, they are often in secret locations so her husband can't find her.

God bless and good luck, this is a hard situation.