I am thinking of marrying a divorced father with custody of his 3 children. I do not have any children of my own and want to get the real scoop of what its like stepping into the role of instant- mother. The kids, 8,7 &4 are sweet and love me a lot but I'm sure that can all change once I "invade their territory." I'm hoping someone in my position can tell me what its really like. Thanks!
2007-08-22 17:14:41 · 24 answers · asked by Caryn R 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
PS. I am sure it is very rewarding but I am very interested to hear all the "bad stuff" Thanks!
2007-08-26 00:46:03 · update #1
My children's father has this girl in his life, and just recently married her... She is a nightmare from HELL. So full of **** she stinks. It's a bad place to come in after a relationship has been established, and try to fit in. She doesn't even fit in with him. He and I have such a good relationship. We are like brother and sister, and she is SOOO jealous. My children are Boy (19) Girl (13) and they are spoiled. Dad showers them. This girl is in for the ride of her life!!! Best wishes to you, but I wouldn't want to come in after the fact (a third wheel)... She will ALWAYS be an after thought...
2007-08-29 21:11:11 · answer #1 · answered by HoTTTcarmel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My step-daughters were 3 and 7 when i came into thier lives. Like you i have no bio-children but I was really young myself (not quite 19). The hardest part is making sure that you and thier dad sit down and lay out all the ground rules before you get too deep.
My husband and i didn't and as such the girls learned very quickly that they didn't have to respect me and what i said because Dad would take thier side over mine 95% of the time. Unfortunately for me, 10 yrs later we are splitting up but thats not because of the kids. I have always wanted my own kids and he made sure that he couldn't have anymore when the youngest was born...
Make sure that you and your sweetheart talk about all aspects of the life ahead of you before you commit yourself, my situation is difficult because the girls have been shuffled back and forth between two cities in two different provinces every 2nd year -joint custody- and thier mom is reinforcing the fact that i "can't be thier mom, (i'm) too young".
There will be joys and heartaches, i get closer everyday to my girls....they are mine in my heart, if not by blood and they know that. We are past most of the issues that turn those sweet children into the worst monsters you could imagine and i'm thankful that we (the girls and I) could work it out. Now we're dealing with the teen years...12 and 16 oh the joys....
Discuss with the dad exactly what your role is to be, and try not to become thier "mom", they already have one and if that realtionship is in anyway strained already, they will take it out on you.
The YOURE NOT MY MOM is a favourite and be prepared because the first time you hear it, it will shatter your heart.
I wish you all the best and Don't let any horror stories discourage you....Every situation is different. Start out right and know what is expected of you from the beginning so that you guys can make your family work. Love your intended and the kids and always show it. Isn't that all anyone really wants anyway?
2007-08-22 18:13:04 · answer #2 · answered by C_Angel 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I read the other responses and I'm a stepmom. I wasn't going to respond to this question but I thought hard about this answer.
IT DEPENDS ON YOU, not the kids or the husband. Are you that type of person to give unconditional love to temperamental kids even after you have your own? My colleague says to me all the time, "I don't know how you do it." Taking care of someone else's kids takes a lot of patience. A whole lot. It's hard. Some people shouldn't attempt do it at all. It's the kids that end up suffering.
Don't worry about the "you're not my mom" rant. It's inevitable and usual the only ammo they have left. Just worry about what you will say when you are fed up.
You didn't say whether the biological mother was still around and active. If not, see my answer above. If she is, RUN. Your opinion and advice will always be rated second class.
2007-08-29 15:00:49 · answer #3 · answered by notjemama 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would not tell you it will be easy... You have never had children. They will test you to the very end. They will see you as taking over their home. They will not want to share you with their father.. Its normal. You are not their mother, and Should never say otherwise. It will be thrown up in your face every time you correct them. YOU ARE NOT MY MOM...
Be prepared. because what they are really wanting from you is love... It will be a trial. But, if you can love them unconditionally. And see yourself through their little eyes. You might be able to come into this family with greater insight. A lot of love. and find that a ready made family is a wonderful thing. I have 3 stepsons grown. I love them. I am grateful for the chance to share my life with them. We all have a common goal you see, its that we love their father... We bond through our love. Talk to the kids.. get to know them on a one on one basis..Learn there favorite sports team, favorite foods, favorite friends. and show a them you are interested in them. I
2007-08-22 17:28:21 · answer #4 · answered by nora d 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm here to tell you it is no picnic...... any time they get mad or don't like a decision you make they will hit you with "You're not my Mom!" and god forbid you and you husband decide to have one of your own.... then it will be "You like him more" and chances are you will to some extent...and that would only be natural. Don't expect it to be a walk in the park because it won't be..... and if you are use to being single and then suddenly instant family you may feel resentment at times as well. Tread softly and think long and hard before continuing this relationship because it is full of perils..... more than you can imagine....
Been there done that!
2007-08-22 17:27:10 · answer #5 · answered by ♥♥♥MiSSY♥♥♥ 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have a step son in my home who is hell itself. He is obnoxious, arrogant, rude, disrespectful, ugly and nasty, thanks to no rules and a psychotic bio mother. I had no idea when I married the dad that the son would in 6 years decide to live with dad because dad "let's him get away with everything." Sad part is, he does! No curfews, no consequences whatsoever for anything.
And he's a pig at that. Makes messes and expects everyone else to clean up. Pees all over the toilet and could care less. If I say anything to dad, dad makes it appear as though it's my problem for having a problem with it in the first place. Psycho mom, if she hears I've said one word to the 13 year old child, is screaming and pounding on your door with all kinds of really nasty things to say to me, as sonny boy smirks in the back of the room. It's a nightmare, and if I'd had one clue that this child would be living with us, I would never have married his father.
The dad is loyal to the son in whatever he "wants" to do. He is not loyal to me, and will not stand by me. Dad plays nice all the time to keep sonny from getting upset and breaking things etc. So, in essence, this child runs the house.
Make sure you and the dad are on the same page with rules and chores. Make sure that he installs you as another "parent" with all the responsibilities and powers of such. Don't marry him if you have any doubts.
2007-08-29 14:20:54 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sorry i don't have an answer but I applaud you for taking on something like that. i am a single father Of one and the woman i love hasn't spoken to me in weeks because she isn't sure she can deal with an instant family. Bless you for seeing that as long as there is love there is a way. The best advise I can give you is to be patient... this is a first for you but it is a first for him and the kids too. Good luck and I hope everything works out better than you could hope!
2007-08-22 17:22:03 · answer #7 · answered by eleroth 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well i am no stepmother but I am a step daughter.... an my step mom came into a 3 kid family.... u i can say are realli lucki at the age the kids are they are open to new things.... my step mom came in when we were hittin teens so yea we hated her guts for steppin in... but if the kids love u the way u say..they'll have respect for u .. their territory will soon be urs as well... make urself more nuturing so the change is benefitial to all..
2007-08-22 17:21:53 · answer #8 · answered by Mama D 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your situation could turn out to be heaven - or hell - this depends on how much co-operation you have from their real Mother, from their Father, from family members, and from the children themselves. These children will be influenced by all factors, and they will use a lot of different angles to get what they want as time goes on. The kids look sweet now, and hopefully, they will remain sweet in your eyes. Good luck to you - you are really going to need all the luck (and cooperation) you can get.
2007-08-22 17:22:21 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I married my husband and he had custody of his 5 year old son, and I wont lie, it has been hard ( his son was abused by his biological mother and has alot of behavior problems) but if you love your fiance then you will take the good with the bad and grow to love his children
2007-08-23 04:14:37 · answer #10 · answered by Cortney S 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋