Autopilot -for Sid-
Traveling down this road alone,
my heart feels it's made of stone.
As I stare off into space,
tears are streaming down my face
It seems unfair, what you've done,
to you, to me, to everyone
It makes me wonder, why you're gone.
But remembering, I am not mad,
Can't blame you, I'm only sad
The only thing for us to do,
Is love, remember, and miss you.
2007-08-22 17:03:07 · 8 answers · asked by L Lawliet 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Thank you everyone, for your responses <3
2007-08-22 17:18:52 · update #1
There are a few missing beats in the meter, and "us" should be "me", but overall it's pretty good.
2007-08-22 17:19:57 · answer #1 · answered by Ronnie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good, but avoid the sudden switch from the singular to plural in the second to last line "The only thing for us to do." unless, of course, this is intentional. I wrote something similar when in High School after a friend committed suicide, and i believe this may be the case here. If so, confront such a horrible and, yes, selfish act by calling it what it is. We only really fear the dark until we turn on a light, right? Call out whatever happened for what it is, and confront it. Then, and only then, may you overcome. And when that happens, you'll create something not just "good," but important. Be straight, and to the point. As poems go, though, it's fine work :)
2007-08-22 17:12:31 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, it's an okay poem. Your poem was constructed of paired couplets...but you missed one "It makes me wonder, why you're gone"...it's just hanging out there! Also, "mad" sounds odd...it's the phrasing...you'd normally say "I'm not made", so when it comes out as "I am not mad" it sounds like a denial of insanity. I understand you needed to make the beats right, but you should consider rewriting that line so it flows better. Then, as Ronnie accurately pointed out, you need to make the "us to do" read "me to do". Most of the rest of the poem appears like it could be set to music.
keep writing
2007-08-26 10:04:37 · answer #3 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No I don't love this.
Because it's too soppy you knw
I just love the poem which is making us great to achieve success.
2007-08-22 18:21:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats like the cutest thing ive heard like ALL WEEK! i love it<3
2007-08-22 17:11:16 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Beautiful :)
2007-08-22 17:17:23 · answer #6 · answered by Annimousey 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
love it
2007-08-22 17:26:41 · answer #7 · answered by rosalind h 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that is way deep love it
2007-08-22 17:31:53 · answer #8 · answered by what do i know im only 12 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋