Oral sex is traumatizing to me...?

Question

When I was a teenager I had very low self esteem, I was raped when I was 13. So by 16 I was permiscuous. I had given about 4 BJs. Now i'm married my husband want oral sex. I love him so much but I just can't. It brings back so many horrible memories that I don't want to remember. I'm not that sad little girl that I was anymore, and I never want to go back to being like that.

How should I best explain this to my husband. He constantly complains to me about this. He says all wives do it. And he calls me a fuddy duddy because I don't.

Answer 1

'All wives' haven't been raped. Will he go to counseling with you to work this out? Have you ever been to counseling to work through it? He is being very insensitive.

Answer 2

So obviously your husband does not understand that the image, smell, and sometimes the sound of the act recalls a very unpleasant time/memory in your past. Talking more with your husband might only be more upsetting for you on this matter.

I recommend seeking a group geared towards helping women cope with rape/sexual assault as this will greatly educate you on how to cope with your demons.

Another thing to know is that this does not make you a fuddy duddy, this makes you a victim... and right now your still a victim of the crime that was committed against you because it is still running your life. If your husband can not respect this, he is not in the fight with you.

Seek professional guidance and coping, then deal with the fact that your husband needs an education on the damaging effects of a trauma.

Answer 3

Is he aware of your past? If not, he should be made aware and you should consider therapy (or more therapy) to get you beyond any sexual issues you have that stem from that experience.

No, not all wives do it. Some women find the idea of giving oral sex a total turnoff and just won't do it. It's a personal choice.

No, you aren't a fuddy duddy. You are a woman who was tramatized as a teen and is still carrying the baggage and scars.

Answer 4

I am sorry to hear about your past. No one should have to go through what you did. With that said, I think you need to sit down with your hubby and tell him about the past. Tell hi how it makes you feel to have oral sex and that it makes you feel demeaned and that you have over come through feeling and would not like to relieve them. Now, On the other side, I know that if you hubby is the wonderful man you married, he will under stand, however, you have a problem with intimacy and need to address that. I think that you and maybe him as well should see a therapist. You husband doesn't understand now, but after hearing this he will have issues about the oral sex stuff. If you see a professional maybe you will in time be able to enjoy a full sex life. Good luck!

Answer 5

Does your husband know about your past? I'd assume he does. "Fuddy duddy" is pretty tame compared to some other peoples reactions that Ive heard from the same topic.
Hopefully he is at least a little sensitive to your feelings

I don't think its so much overcoming the BJ as it is the pain associated with it. I'm willing to bet through counseling and with his support that you can work through it. If you just plain don't like BJ's then I'm sure your husband can learn to understand and respect it. You can still please each other in many other ways...

Best of luck

Answer 6

does he knows about what happened to u when u were 13 and all the problems u got eversince?? if not, then try to tell him, if he truly loves u, then he sure will understand and wont force u to do it. but the fact that he wont force u to do it, doesnt mean he doesnt wishes u to do it, therefore, i would recommend u to do it once in a while, give him a surprise, so he will fell like u r trying.

if he does know about all these stuff that happened to u, try to talk things over, and tell him that these bad memories are not easy to forget and that once in a while they haunt ur mind, that u'll like him to be a little more comprehensive.. if he still makes fun of u or forces u to do it, probably means that he can't understand what u've been through.. then, i think, u should take some measures about this.

also, if he forces u to do this, i dont think he is actually respecting u. and if he loves u, he should respect u.

oh, by the way, if he doesnt know yet about that had happened to u, try telling him, because if he trully loves then, he'll understand and stand by ur side always.

hope it helped u...

wish u luck

Answer 7

1. Not all wives are preforming oral sex with their partner.
.2. You should never do any thing that you are not comfortable with. Explain to him what has happen to you in the past if he don't already no .
3..Tell him that you are not comfortable preforming oral sex. 4.You should both enjoy the act of making love and not be pressure to do some thing that you are not comfortable with.
5. May be you need to talk to a seek therapy , so that you can discuss the issue of your pass, if it's causing problems in your relationship with your husband.

Answer 8

After marriage it usually stops, he's full of it lol *ALL* women don't do it according to my good friends. You are going to have to try getting over the rape I know from personal experience, it's all about how you WANT to feel about it. You are in control of your mind and your feelings, instead of freaking out, think about something else and create a different association with it.

You should explain that you do love him, and want to please him but you need a little time because of traumatic past experiences. If he pushes it and you are comfortable, explain what happened. You might want to leave out the part where you slept around, he may very well lose all respect for you.

Good luck, it'd be easier to give him oral than explain why you don't want to!

Answer 9

I'm sorry, but as far as I know, you don't promise to give oral sex on demand as part of your wedding vows. and I'm pretty sure that there are many marriages that don't have oral sex going on.
I'm very sorry about the rape, I can see that it is still damaging to you. did you ever talk to anyone about it?
and, as far as being that "sad little girl", she's gone, and you are now a grown woman.
I can't tell you how to get over your fear of giving your husband oral sex, but I think that it would be a very good idea if you could find someone to talk to. even after all these years, a rape crisis centre could maybe help you. I wish you much luck.

Answer 10

I know how traumatised you were when you are young but it is very encouraging to hear that you love your husband a lot. Love can do wonders. If I will you I will faced up to all unpleasant past events and live for the present. Being abled to overcome past phobias, hatreds etc. and face it makes you a better person. Breaking it and have a better sexual relationship with your love one is worth it. You and your husband are going to live together for a long time and don't let such unpleasant events to affect your love life. Life is short and uncertain. Have the courage to move forward ok. I am sure you are a brave lady.

Answer 11

First off, 'all wives' don't preform oral sex.

And as a way of telling him, say exactly what you've written. Tell him you don't want to remember what it was like back then.

But, if you do decide to try it, take it slowly. Extremely slowly. Don't just decide to and then do it that night.

It's the same with any uncomfortable situation. Mentally prepare yourself. Don't go all the way the first time. Take it a little bit farther each time only if you're ready.

And if you don't want to do it at all, he'll just have to accept that.

Hope you figure it out.