I wrote another poem. I tried to show you instead of tell you. Did it work?

Question

I'm running but not going anywhere
Because where I want to go doesn't exist
I'm so mad I could just pull out my hair
I want to be free
But I'm trapped in this rut
I can't stop it
I took so many pills it hurts in my gut
I started to run away
I didn't get far
Because my feet wanted to stay
I screamed in agony
My eyes red from tears
I start punching the wall
Because all of my fears
Are coming true
I need help
But I can't get it
Then I fall and yelp
I don't get up
I stay put
I start to think about my soul
And how it's as black as soot
I get up and cry some more
I run around again
But I don't run away
Then I feel the rain
On my feet
I sort of smile
I walk away
I'm happy, for a little while

Answer 1

Actually, I think you're starting to get it :) Now you need to work on phrasing and line breaks. I noticed you rhymed a few times, which is okay, but sometimes they came off as forced (help/yelp). Still, far better than before. Here's how I'd edit the breaks:

I'm running! but not going anywhere
where I want to go doesn't exist (delete "because", it tells)
I could just pull out my hair (delete "I'm so mad", it tells)
I want to be free But
I'm trapped in this rut
can't stop it (delete "I"...we know it's you)
took so many pills it hurts my gut (delete "I" and "in")
I started to run (delete "away", add "but")
but I didn't get far
my feet wanted to stay (delete "because", it tells)
Screaming in agony (change "I screamed", it tells)
eyes red from tears (delete "my", we know they're yours)
I start punching the wall
Because all my fears (delete "of")
Are coming true
need help, can't get it (delete "I" and "but I", tells)
I fall, yelp, don't get up (delete "then", "and", "I", move up line)
I stay put, start to think (delete "I")
about my soul, how it's black as soot (delete minor words)
I get up, cry, run around again (delete minor words)
But don't run away (delete "I")
I feel the rain On my feet (delete "then", it tells)
smile and walk away (delete minor words, they tell)
happy, for a little while (delete "I'm", we know it's you)

When I say "it tells" I mean to say that the word I removed "said" what was happening, and by removing it the action was implied...shown. Look at your original line, then at the revised line and you should see the difference. It may look minor or sutble, but the difference is actually significant. I took away "sort of" and other words that provide timeline data "then", "now", etc.

The best news is that this is waaaay better than you were writing at the beginning...you "are" getting it, even if you're still not completely sure.

keep writing!

Answer 2

I suppose like you'll be able to tighten the stanzas a little... Some strains are too wordy and gradual down the glide. Consider including contractions as an alternative of "might have" make it "might've" Maybe whatever like.... "All the days we spent in combination; the recollections will final/Somehow I fell for you, understanding it used to be a factor of the beyond/You promised you might in no way go away and continually be right here./When I seemed into your eyes, I in no way idea of worry." I love the road "I went for the dance", very special word and it really works good. "mime" feels such as you pressured it to rhyme with "time, despite the fact that you probably did make it glide good in that line... "Mime" is solely such an atypical phrase! Lol. Last stanza is not as powerful as your different ones... Maybe perform a little repetition of your first one, after which difference it to how now he is together with her? Or "I gave you my all, I did not recognise in which to move/Then I discover out, to you I used to be not anything however a exhibit./I simplest lasted for goodbye, and also you went to her/I nonetheless handle you and desire the first-rate, however all you can see is anger/" I have no idea... mess around a little, attempt to reduce out a couple of phrases.... Overall I fairly love it, hold writing! Thanks for sharing :)

Answer 3

it's an interesting poem about your struggles,
it's good that in the end you felt happy,
nicely written.