I am a very jealous person... what can I do to change?

Question

I have several issues with relationships, but one of them is that I am very jealous. I get jealous if my boyfriend says someone else is pretty because I feel that he should only be looking at me. I've been like this since my very first boyfriend in high school. I am now in a serious relationship with a fantastic guy. He talks about marriage and we'll probably get there...that's if I don't push him away beforehand with my jealousy. Can anyone help me?? I justify my jealousy by thinking that the guy isn't any good and that he isn't trustworthy anyways..which has been true in the past. So, how do I know the difference between an untrustworthy guy and my own jealousy??

Answer 1

I use to be told al the time that I was a very jealous person....everyone can be jealous....so do not think you are alone. past realationships can hurt your heart and even help ruin your present relationship....I cannot stand when my boyfriend looks at other girls, I find it rather disrespectful than me being jealous(my opinion) and on the other hand...you are the only one who can tell yourself if you can trust your boyfrind( can you?), you only know what you can olny feel....I would definetly talk to him about what bothers you and makes you feel like he is being untrustworthy....I had the same problem and sometimes still feel as though I do...i hope you two grow stronger...God Bless...pray on this relationship and it will get better!

Answer 2

In my totally not any kind of mental health professional experience, it seems to me that there are a few reasons people are really jealous: 1: They want to control everyone and everything. If this is the case, maybe try giving away tiny bits of control here and there. Let him pick out the movie, decide what's for dinner, things like that. Then realize that things are ok even though someone else had control over a situation. 2: No self confidence. Realize that you are the one he picked. Remind yourself daily of all of the good things about you and work on building your self esteem. 3: There's a reason to be jealous. If he really behaves inappropriately with other women, excessive flirting or worse, you should make it clear to him - without freaking out and flying into a rage or something - that this is really causing you some serious concerns and he needs to be more aware of how he's behaving around other women. If he has a history of cheating or something, you may need to seek counseling of some sort to work it out and get the trust back. 4: The jealous person is the one with something to hide. If you have done something or some things that you're keeping from him, it will build a ridge between you and cause you to pounce on him when you normally might not because generally speaking, as human beings, I believe we can't stand it when we do something wrong and we have to make the other person wrong to justify what we've done. If this is the case, come clean and rebuild. Just my thoughts...Good luck!

Answer 3

At least you recognise how destructive your jealousy is, so that is a good start to putting an end to it. It really does push men away and is most likely the reason that other men have been untrustworthy with you. It's a bit of a self fullfilling prophecy, if you don't trust a man, he is more likely to go out and do something anyway, whereas if you trust him, he will appreciate that trust and is much more likely to try to keep earning it. Jealousy always comes through low self esteem so the only way to really change it is to work on building up your own confidence untill you feel that no man would cheat on you because he would be a fool to risk loosing you. Once you believe that, he will know it, and he'll feel so proud to be with you that he will be much less likely to risk loosing you. Try reading some self help books to boost your confidence, and remember that ALL men look at pretty women, it's a natural instinct just as it is natural for us to look at a good looking man. It doesn't mean he is thinking about swapping you for her, he is just appreciating beauty and there is beauty all around us, in flowers and birds and water. Just because we have something beautiful, it doesn't mean we stop seing beauty. Try to stop worrying about being the most beautiful person in your mans eye because you already are, and that's why he wants to marry you and not the other pretty women.

Answer 4

Well you've already acknowledged the biggest hurdle, and that's admitting that you have a problem. Since you do mention that you have acted this way since your first boyfriend, it makes me wonder what you have witnessed through your childhood. Were you raised with a parent or guardian who went through relationships where they were cheated on or where they were the cheater? This had to start somewhere because in order for people to have trust issues, there is usually something that has lead them to relating this to every involvement in their life..............................
which sometimes leave them............ALONE!
I regret the fact that I honestly can't tell you what you can do to resolve this but applaud you for admitting your problem and wanting to do something about it.
Don't feel so bad just b/c your boyfriend states that someone else is pretty. Answer this, since the two of you began dating, did this rule out anyone else from being blessed with beauty? Obviously he thinks you're very pretty too, you yourself states that he's talking about marriage.
I personally feel that everyone has a little jealousy instilled in them and that's to be expected when you have someone that you love. But don't allow that jealousy to overpower you and make you lose that "FANTASTIC GUY" that you talk about. I'll bet someone else would love to be walking in your shoes. DON'T BE THE ONE TO MAKE THAT OPPORTUNITY A POSSIBILITY!
Good Luck and Best Wishes

Answer 5

A little bit of self-examination is helpful here.

WHY are you jealous? Is it fear of loss? Poor self-esteem? Do you hate when he pays attention to other women because you fear that if he compares you to anyone else you will look second best? I'm not saying this is the case--just that it is one (very common) basis for jealousy.

There are other possible root causes for your jealousy, that a counselor could maybe help you with.

Many people, males and females, somehow imagine that they are not entitled to the good things that life has to offer. "I am such a bad person, such a worthless individual, that I do not deserve the love of this good person." So, they sabotage the relationship with jealousy.

The fact that your previous boyfriends haven't been "any good" and not "trustworthy", (your words) tells me that my hunch is correct.

But, it's just a hunch.

You DESERVE a joyous relationship, not a jealous one.

I'm not Pagan, and my name isn't Dan. I live in Taiwan, and "pagan dan" is Chinese for "bacon and eggs". (sort of like "Mark Twain").

I'm Christian, and God intends for us to be joyful.

Answer 6

Jealousy is a manifestation of insecurity. And since you admit to being a self-proclaimed jealous person since your very first boyfriend... I'd look to your past to see why you are insecure....

It is a tough emotion to overcome. But here is what helped me. I found OTHER things to do that I was good at. I didn't put my whole life into my boyfriend's approval of me. I volunteered at a local animal shelter, I got involved in my church, I found other friends that made me laugh and with whom I could have a good time.

That helped me tremendously. I realized that I was a worthwhile person - and that people liked me for who I am. It also made my boyfriend realize that I was pretty special too... and he treated me better because I didn't depend upon him for all of my validation.

Lastly, you are going to have to make a CHOICE. You have to choose to trust someone.... if you want to know if your man is trustworthy, YOU have to act trustworthy. If you live your life with ethics, honesty, integrity, dignity, then you will recognize it in your man.

Talk to him about your insecurity - tell him it isn't HIS fault, but that you trust him to treat you with dignity and respect... honesty and integrity... and that you hope he will bear with you as you move into a more mature look at this relationship and all the glorious things it has to offer.

If he is all that fantastic, he will try to alleviate your fears and insecurities - and will help you by letting you know what is going on in his life... so that you aren't constantly "filling in the blanks" with your over-the-top worries.

Good luck... it is a hard emotion to overcome - but if you choose to do so, you can do it.... remember that it is insecurity that is eating you up.... and maybe it will help you deal with it better. it isn't him... it IS you. Which is a good thing! cuz you can change YOU.

Answer 7

Unfortunately, the jealousy is all you. Jealous people often have absolutely nothing to be jealous about, they just feel jealous anyway. Basically, it is a fear of losing the person that makes you feel jealous. Deep down in your heart you think that other people are prettier, nicer, smarter than you and that your boyfriend sees that. It is a destructive emotion. I think if you really want to stop feeling jealous, you will have to start believing in yourself and all the wonderful things about you. After all, he fell in love with you!

Answer 8

I think that it is all about you. You must have low self esteem or something because let me tell you, I know that I look good and my man can look at anyone and say that she is pretty I say it with him but I know he is coming home so I don't trip he can look but he knows what he got you need to stop trippin on your man because girl he will leave you. Point blank he will leave you and you won't get married. So girl, let me tell you that you really need to wise up and you thinking that the man is no good and all he has done was be a good man to you? Girl you got it twisted and I reccommend professional help and you need to have faith in your man don't trust him if he does something to make you not trust him and don't judge him based on what the guy did to you before because not all men are dogs!

Answer 9

You need to get over your inferiority complex.
just because your boyfriend is with you doesn't mean he's dead. it's human nature to look. an untrustworthy guy will cheat on you
a trustworthy guy will leave you because of your jealousy
that's how you will know the difference.
you can't judge someone on other peoples wrong doings.
until you are given a reason not to trust someone give them the trust they deserve. and you will get the trust and loyalty you deserve.
I on more then one occasion have decided if I'm going to be accused anyway I might as well get out there and do what I'm being accused of. "understand?"

Answer 10

Really it sounds like you have a MATURITY problem - you are not mature enough to handle a relationship with anyone except a toy doll.

Go ahead and toss that guy aside.......and the next guy.......and the next guy.........and so on and so on.........

So don't go dumping your blame/jealousy on someone else.

The best advice ever given to me was from a man who is very wealthy. He told me that when something bothers me, I should "Take ownership of the issue, OWN it and possess it - that's the only way to truly solve it (any issue)".