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Question

So Thrilled


Onward through the distance
I see you and I ahead

you’re crying
I lay still

so still

Far into the future
I hear angels call my name

you’re crying
I lay still

so still

Turning around, I crumble
as you beg me “stop smoking”

you’re crying
I’m so ill

so ill

As far back as I can see
You in tux and I in white

We’re crying
I’m so thrilled

so thrilled...

Oh Ronnie, you're simply exausting hon, what about the write over all?

Do you write my friend?

Answer 1

"I see you and ME ahead" (if you wanted to know). "I" is a subject. "Me" is an object.

Answer 2

Shad, good images. Suggestion: why not put the last, first? Since it is the illness that is the "turn", why not start out with the idylic picture of your wedding and show how it goes...instead of an inside out timeline? If you decide to keep the timeline, then think about revising the "stop smoking" stanza to the one below; it prevents a repetition and probably mirrors reality a little closer.

As far back as I can see
You in a tux, me in white
We're crying
I'm so thrilled...so thrilled

Turning around, I crumble
As you beg, "stop smoking!"
You're crying
I say "I will"..."I will"

Onward through the distance
I see you and I ahead
you’re crying
I'm so ill...so ill

Far into the future
I hear angels call my name
you’re crying
I lay still...so still

Once we were crying
and I was so thilled...so thrilled


In any event, good poem, I liked it.

Answer 3

If it incredibly is all you spot and care approximately then it incredibly is a exceedingly undesirable factor. individually for me, while i'm seeing or attending to renowned a guy I ought to have that connection with him. If I see that we can butt-heads plenty there is not any way in hell it is going to artwork out. If he's uninteresting, i'm going to drop hit like a hat. looks are an advantage for me, yet while i'm no longer searching for some thing extreme i'm going to easily base issues on looks.

Answer 4

Honestly, when I first read this poem, I read it too fast. I should have taken more time, or read it over again several times, because it is a rich poem, simplicity masking a clever, if ominous, depth.

I was planning to post a particular poem of mine in somewhat the same vein, but not as well trimmed as yours, but some of the material here has had me apprehensive. I'm encouraged to be a bit braver.

Very nice.

Any smoker can surely relate.

Answer 5

In poetry you lay claim
title of a person you wish
possess you not at all
thrilled perhaps was part
crying in earnest but vain
you possess the skills
dominating may be harsh
a woman who writes

Answer 6

It's so cool that you can write these things Shad the fact that you put these out at least one a day and they all have different subject matter and sound really cool it's amazing i look forward to your next works.

Answer 7

Bravo! Brilliant as usual. So, did you say you are compiling it altogether for a book? I'll buy one if you do, but you got to autograph it! Aren't you worried someone will steal your work? Can't you just add @(copyright) Shad2007? They are so good I'd hate to see someone plagiarize you. Keep it up! I've enjoyed every one!

Answer 8

I am glad I quit smoking
several years ago
when I started choking
this I know.

I just thought I would give abit of mine
your poem was nicely written
I like that part of the angels.
there was much emotion in yours like
crying, are you okay?

Answer 9

That changed my mind about that cigarette I just wanted I think I will have a piece of gum instead.
This hit home b/c my husband begs me to stop smoking.

Answer 10

The monosylabic-ness rythem of the flow poem is intrigueing, catchy and fresh. You re-vamp the pace every now and then, very clever. I like how you don't overexplain anything. We don't even know who "you" is. Original, keep it up.

Answer 11

I luv it. It is very different compared on how you usually write. I have been working on some of my own poems lately. Hopefully they are just as good as yours usually are. I luv it!!! Keep in touch!!!!