Opinions on a poem, "A Love Lost"?

Question

honest opinions and criticizes welcomed...

"A Love Lost" by MuckersCluckers

awakened visitor of a dream
uninvited, unwelcomed, emotional scream
brought naught but prospects of the past
cherished enchantments that could not last

with a gamble she might embrace the same
the desire for a rekindled flame
a foolish axiom was proclaimed
unrestrained adornment without shame

a countenance across her face
fear, dread, complete distaste
her pronouncements came in rapid succession
kind, thoughtful, hate-filled suppressions

and stricken by another fall
an icy cavity would cease to thaw
as a fool's paradise became a mighty maw
of hate, of love, and nothing at all

and when polite words injure more than blows
when you can kill someone’s soul and not even know
these are all the dire costs
of a love lost

Answer 1

Concur with previous comments regarding capitalization and the change of rhyme from aabb to abba in fourth stanza...both distract from the poem. You also went from perfect rhyme to half-rhyme with dissimilar endings (proclaimed/shame,face/distaste, succession/suppressions, costs/lost). This isn't the kiss of death, but it comes off a little sloppy if you don't do it consistently. The same is true of your meter and beats, particularly the last couple of lines.

Remember, when you choose to do rhymed poetry you make a choice to conform to a form. When you needlessly change that form or are sloppy with it, it is similar to wearing an expensive suit with mismatched socks, different fabrics and patterns, etc. It doesn't matter how much it cost, it looks like it was patched together with little thought as to how the entire suit worked as a whole.

You used some good images, but they are just thrown in there amongst some others that sound more than just a little forced. Your lines should read naturally and if you have to stilt your voice to make the rhyme work, change the line...it's just not worth it.

keep writing

Answer 2

Wow it's deep. Usually when a person writes like this it's a relative emotion that they have had and are eagar to express it. I like your use of illustration. But I have to say im glad you gave it that title because at first I wasn't sure what the poem was reffering to. But other than that I liked it. Im always impressed by people who express their emotions with words.

Answer 3

Wow. Thats very good, Powerful Words.. Impressed.

Answer 4

Your rhyme scheme changed in the fourth stanza, and I don't think the lack of punctuation or capitalization contributes anything to your poem. Other than that, it's interesting.

Answer 5

The one who suffers the loss, sounds like winter.
The roller coaster is freezing in hell.
The heart of their love sounds hollow.
It's not bad, but
Though pain is not sweet,
does love have to taste so bitter?

Not bad, really. Your poem is straightforward.

Answer 6

Wow great poem u don't sis to amaze me :)

Answer 7

VERY HEARTFELT.