Am I a bad wife?

Question

Ok this is it. I got remarried. After a few years he stopped wanting sex. And I wanted it...alot. But when I would try with him he would say I am too tired. Then I would wake up in the middle of the night and I would catch him watching porn and pleasing himself. well after awhile of this I started talking to guys on the online game I played. I started talking to them on the game and on the phone. Phone sex actually. I was going to leave cus I felt like because he didn't want to have sex with me or do anything with me or go out we had a chance to buy a house twice and he didn't want to. But I didn't leave he asked me not to. I stayed. He continued to get better and I did to. He aventually left and said it was cus I cheated on him (online) two weeks later I found a email from his coworker saying I love you. they broke up. This was all a year ago. He says hes not comin back but is over every day. Was I totally bad wife? I am sorry for what I did. and yes I love him

I have tried to get him to go to counseling he goes willingly but then when we get there he clams up and says nothing. I have tried so hard to do right.

Guys..do you think he will ever come back? He still pays rent and the bills. Why is he staying away but over everyday. or calling

Answer 1

I would have left him when I caught him watching porn and masturbating!! Only because he was turning you down and doing himself!!!!!! Don't worry if he comes back, move on to someone who wants you! No I don't think you were a bad wife for "speaking on-line" What he did was worse, because he denied you!! Good luck!

Answer 2

Some things don't add up here. This is your second marriage and you still have time and interests in on-line games. You even spend enough time on them to meet and woo (ok, they are probably boys so it doesn't take much time) men. I'm curious as to your age and what you do to feel a part of the world (job, social groups, church, etc.). But that is the only strike I have against you and it is not that big.

My other questions are what was the nature of his porn? That could tell you something about where his head was. Porn gives unreal expectations of sex and he was seriously contributing to his lack of interest in sex with you (whether he new it or not). That is a strike against him.

It sounds like he is depressed too and it is unfortunate that no one mentioned that. But, most of the meds for depression kill your sex drive so no solution to YOUR problem there.

Now if I read this right, he had an affair while you two were together? If so then you were both having an affair at the same time so the marriage had ended but you two didn't know it yet.

What does he come back over for every day? Talk, spend time with you or does he just miss his TV? I'm sure you would have told us if it were for sex. My guess here is that you were the stability in his life and he did depend on you for that. He never asked you to leave and you never did. When he is not around you he probably has nothing now and is lonely. He probably is trying to avoid deeper depression.

To absolve yourself (including the right to feel good about yourself) you should get your own place and pay your own bills. Then he has NO right to even show up on YOUR doorstep but allow phone contact once a week at most to see that he is getting some help for his depression. That is the least and most you should do.

Answer 3

You have at least two issues here. First, you seem to be wondering/worried about your husband(ex?) and what his intentions are. Only he can answer that. He's got some issues, it seems, but you cannot help him with those. How you deal with depends a lot on how you deal with the second issue; your feelings of guilt about your actions.

You seem to be feeling guilty about exploring your sexual fantasies. Here's the truth sweetheart; EVERYBODY has sexual fantasies. We all want to explore them with someone we trust. You did not have someone to share your fantasies with, since your husband sort of abandon your physically. So, you pursued them on your own. You could have done much worse, and many, many people do. You are not a bad person. You did a completely human thing.

You are not a bad person. You did some things and made some choices out of deperation and anxiety that you would not have made or done otherwise. But, I understand why you did it and why you felt the way you did. If I can understand, I'm sure a lot of people could. If your husband can't or won't try to understand you, that could signal the end for your relationship. But, don't beat yourself up. You are not a bad person.

I hope you can get over you bad feelings. You really need to in order to move on and grow and live and love the way you desire. Once you forgive yourself, you should talk to your husband about why he's hanging around and what his intentions are. If it doens't look like he wants to be married, you should try to pay your own way. That way you'll be out from under his baggage and can truly move on and find happiness.

I know it's all easier to say than do. It's just hard, I know. I hope you find happiness.

Good luck.

Answer 4

So, let me get this straight. He's afraid of how his daughter will see him if he cheats (something that would be secret, private, and that she wouldn't actually see--only hear about years later) but he's *not* afraid of being a lazy a** slob who is disrespectful to his fantastic wife in front of her? That's messed up. Dude needs to get some perspective. Wouldn't it be better for his daughter to see him as an equal partner who does something more than play video games and forget to pay the bills? As far as what you do, you're amazing. You do not get enough credit for the amazing support you're being to him. You are the dream wife and if he says you're a bad wife then it only reflects on the warped perspective of the world he's developed through being what sounds like a bad husband. Thank you for being you. You are a credit to human beings everywhere.

Answer 5

Truthfully, I don't think he ever loved you. I'm sorry to say that, but a guy who won't have sex with you is busy elsewhere; and if not, he's not into you. He was probably seeing that co-worker on the side. Be careful. He's there with you every day, but he still may be sleeping with someone else and you could catch an SDT if you are not very careful, okay? I don't know what his problems are, but don't blame yourself for his not being a good husband with you. (He was a bad husband before you became a bad wife.) Forgive yourself now, and get some counseling. I doubt he's coming back for good. He might come and use you in-between his trysts. Be careful.

Answer 6

It appears he is not willing to work on the problems you both are having. Most times when a man would rather pleasure himself than to have intimate relations with his own wife is for several reasons, one he could have a deep rooted anger and resentment for you, two he is no longer physically attracted to you, three there is a problem physically with him. For him to say he is not coming back and still continues to come over every day indicates this is his way of giving himself permission to avoid your feelings. Just know, without change, there will be no incentive for him to make a positive move. You are the one that will need to make it clear to him that he either works on the marriage with you or he is out. Since he is currently paying all the expenses it would be to your benefit to have a financial plan to back up what you say. Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

I don't think your a bad wife, if a partner doesn't give you sex your gonna look somewhere else! If you only had phone sex then I don't see anything wrong with it! It sounds to me like he was cheating on you in the first place! Not giving you sex and not want to be or do anything with you! If I were you I wouldn't want him back, move on and find a man who is better for you and doesn't hold things against you that he will or has done to you!

Answer 8

I'm with Tom on this one. Sounds like he might of started something or had feelings for co worker Chickie 1st or felt he was no longer in love to shut off physical, emotional, and couple nights out. He then accused you (transference) of being the cheater. Counseling needed to be done if he was willing ( he was not) when you raised the red flag.
Time to move on. I heard a quote recently. You don't miss him just the him you wished or hoped he was. Now go heal and move on to greener pastures. Good Luck

Answer 9

It sounds to me like you had brought it up with him that you needed more lovin' than he was willing to give. And he decided that your feelings didn't matter.

Now I'm not giving you the green light to cheat, but you did discuss it with him. And if you were only having phone sex with other men, then that is not real sex and it doesn't count, at least in my book. (waiting for the people to disagree to kick me in the knee)

What you did was wrong... yes, but it doesn't make you a bad person at all. You had needs that were not being met, even after you brought it up to your ex.

I say move on and make sure your next man can meet your special needs. Have fun on this search!!!

Good Luck!

Answer 10

It sounds like you are having a totally miserable marriage.No sex,no communication,no exciting, loving good times.If your in love with this man but you cannot be happy living with him ,than whats the point.You said that counseling does not help.I think you have run out of options.Unfortunately a divorce may be the answer.Good luck.