WHen you know there is hope in saving your marriage even when the other person says their isn't should you

Question

keep trying or just give up, especially when you truly love that person and have three children with them?

I say that there is hope because je still calls, he gets jealous when he comes over the house and sees that there are roses on the table, he gets mad when I get dressed up, we have slept together three times in the last month, as recent as last weekend, when there are parties at the house he tells me to stay with him and not to leave him alone so that I can talk to him the whole time.

Answer 1

Beba

I JUST READ YOUR REPLY TO ANOTHER--BELOW YOUR QUESTION--AND YES, THERE IS HOPE---YOU HAVE TO FIND THE KEY THAT WILL UNLOCK THE DOOR, IT MAY BE WITHIN HIM....

I typed up my own answer before what I typed above....But, before I ask you to read this, please know...I have come to realize, anger is the inability to express or cope with pain, and something is hurting him if you two have been fighting...it may be a sense of his own self-value, or something else...It seems as if he does care, and does love you, but there is something missing inside of him...Deal with the pain he may be feeling, if he can tell you, ask him what is hurting inside, and why he has felt the pain...and how far back it goes...and if he says I FEEL THIS WAY BECAUSE.....concentrate on what he says he is feeling...you cannot change what has been done, or what you said or did or did not say or not do....that is not the important part...what is important is what one or both of you are feeling, and that can be altered....same with you, if you are angry, ask yourself as you work your way back what is hurting inside...you will find more times than you can count that something is hurting and you got angry because of some inability to say what it was, to put your finger or what it was, to have him understand you or you cope with it..maybe from your past, from your childhood, whatever..that has been my experience.

Deal with the emotions you each are feeling, not the guilt of what was done...and be able to accept each other's part...remember, if you are spiritual, GD/Jesus whomever already knows what you did, so be willing to accept it, admit, and forgive the other one for it...it does nto mean anything done was not right, it may be very wrong, but if there is love, the key is to be able to overlook the past to work on the present and the future....to wipe the slate clean...Hope comes from being able to see the path in front of you no matter what the road you have traveled may be...to see the light no matter how dark the tunnel appears...

Now, as I said, I had written my own life story before I added what you just read............

As one who has said in the past there was no hope, I can tell you that I can't tell you. It may mean a few things, but the onyl way to know that is to find out why he feels as he does.

I have been married twice. In my first marriage, I had so much hope for so many years that if she only saw what I was saying, things would get better. I had been through years of emotional and physical child abuse, had survived them, and I was a loving, sensitive type of guy who wanted to give my wife all I could.
In some ways, she was more mature than I was, but in other ways, I was more emotionally mature. We had started as friends, knowing we had differences, but the differences you can overlook as a best friend you must live with as a spouse. We were not able to get through them.
We needed individual counseling...to deal with our own issues, and we got it--at the tail end of our relationship, after I had started seeing other women which happened after she had told me that she would be seeking a divorce when our son graduated high school.
I was giving so much of myself up.
I lost hope, and got angry. I was depressed. I started seekign elsewhere. I felt I would never be important to this woman again. I loved her, but I felt my needs would never be of any concern to her.
We divorced, I moved from NY to Ohio. I met a woman from CA whose two grown sons really have made our happiness difficult. My wife had been a loving mother who lived a life of denila with her ex--a sex addict. She was quiet, and never confronted or tried to resolve issues. They just never spoke.
When I started dating her, her kids-32 and 31 at the time--objected becayuse she had made a mistake with their father.
I tried to talk, but Di avoided more than not. I would give up hope. I just felt it was no sense in continuing with something, after all, I had tried for 28 years in my first marriage, 23 before I finally gave up and started seeing others...as wrong as it was.
I had no hope of this marriage working, and I cannot count how many times I took my ring off, and felt it was a bigggg mistake.
But, my wife does live me, she just has had to adjust to the pains of her 1st marriage break-up. My ex and I had lived separate lives (financially we could nto separate so we just lived in two levels of our house), and we had gotten used to a separate life for years when we got our divorce. We are friends, again--just friends, and my ex knows that...
I just had gotten tired of waiting for my 2nd wife to stop avoiding, and want to deal--it was just so much like my first marriage.
But, my 2nd wife is different. When I gave up hope, she has sought how to make it better, instead. She knows how deeply we love each other--which is the key.
If your husband no longer loves you, it is not worth trying again. If on the other hand, he is just depressed, disappointe,d feeling inner feelings he cannot express, etc. than it is worth trying if you can find out from him why he feels it is hopeless.
None of us are living with you--we are offering opinions that really are not a matter of which answer is more popular. The BEST ANSWER IS NOT BASED ON OUR OPINIONS, OR OUR VOTES...the best answer is based on your circumstance...and finding out what it is.
People have outside affairs because others make them feel more important than the one they are with. I know several who have had affairs, thinking it would straighten out their life, when it was not someone else and not even their spouse that could do that.

If he is feeling depressed, if he is feeling pain, if he is feeling any feelings--if he yells, if he fights, if he does anything--there is still hope. Divorce attorneys who are friends have told me, they know if a couple is fighting, they still care. It is when the fight has gone out of them that the hope has, too.
If he is into his own thing, if he is avoiding, if he is doing no communication at all, then there may not be hope--and your best bet is to walk on, as hard as it is.

I can't read a post and tell you that, and your life is too important to rely on a post to do that. Popular opinion is not your family. Seek your own counselor, to help you cope with the potential outcome, to help you figure out what steps you may need to take for yourself, as well as for your family and your marriage.
You are going to need therapy anyway to deal.
Seek out Divorce Care, Codependents Anonymous, personal counselign, group sessions, etc. You are going to need support however this ends up, to make it work or to give it up.
In time, it can be marital counseling, if he is willing--but right now, work on yourself...I learned, and so did my ex, and my current wife---individual therapy will help each member of a couple discover more about themselves, anyway.
My ex and I are friendly, as I said, but I know I love and am in love with my wife, and she with me. We are working on it, and it is working...and we are giving it time and I think the fact that I am writing this says if I feel there is hope---but as little as a few weeks ago, if you asked me...

Counselign does not have to be costly... colleges offer it on a fee basis, so do some pros...online support groups may help...I mentioned Divorce Care and CoDA because they are free, as are other groups...

Judge your heart, and his...and pray.....find a spiritual path and stay on it....and ask others for that prayer for you. I will pray for you, as others prayed for me.

Good luck. I knwo answering this question helped me whether or not it helped you...lol

Answer 2

If the other person says this marriage is hopeless then it is time to let it go even when there are children involved. It takes two people to keep a healthy marriage on track and no one should ever remain with a mate who is no longer interested in maintaining this relationship. That is self-destructive and a sign of very low self-esteem which is not a good example for your children to become exposed to. Staying together because of the kids is an enormous mistake so please don't even consider it. If the two of you have discussed this matter and consulted with a marriage counselor (or any other professional) but the odds are still not in your favor then you need to stop trying to hold onto something that has died.

Answer 3

I can completely relate, I was married to one of these guys and when we found out we were pregnant he left...didn't want a baby bla bla bla. I can tell you that he will play this game with you as long as you let him, mine did for two years. He would always say "its over" and "there is no hope" and then he would call me three times a week and spend the weekend at the house. What I learned the hard hard way is that this really messes with your kids head, and you know what? It totally breaks your heart over and over again and you don't get the chance to heal and move on. I really do understand, it's been a year since my divorce and I still love the creep so dang much, but I moved five hours away and took my dignity with me and I now know I am ten times better off and so is my precious little boy who my husband wanted aborted. In the long run you are really hurting yourself bad, he is probably single when he wants to be (like messing with other women) and married when it suits (like parties, family functions or just when he plays daddy). I know it's hard, I do, but end it for yourself and your kids, if you don't you will eventually lose their respect and that isn't worth it. You will be fine....I promise!!

Answer 4

It seems to me that your husband is just trying to have his cake and eat it too--and you are letting him!! He is trying to control everything that you do and you are letting him in the hopes of saving your marriage. I am wondering why you are having parties and inviting him, not to mention having sex with him. My advice is to cut the ties and let him see what he is losing. Right now he has it made, he is living elsewhere and doesn't have to deal with you or the kids unless he wants to but still can enter your life as he pleases and have sex with you when he wants to. The sad thing is that he has apparently made his feelings clear but is using your desire to save the marriage against you. I would not talk to him unless necessary, not tell him what I am doing, NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM, and not let him over if there are other people there. Then maybe he will get scared of losing you and decide if he really wants a divorce or not. If he still decides he does at least you have distanced yourself from him and maybe it will be easier for all of you. Good Luck!!

Answer 5

If your partner has truly moved on, then it might be extremely hard getting him to reconcile (try again at the relationship). It might be better to go ahead and move on also. I know that so many of us want to stay and work it out "for the kids." However, this may not be whats best for them (especially if there is a lot of arguing and fighting in the household). The best thing to do know is to come up with a plan with your husband so your kids will have both of their parents in their lives (this is extremely important when the parents divorce). Stay friends with your ex for your kids sake!

Answer 6

IF the other person is saying something like that, I would say they have already made a decision about ending the marriage. If you truly love that person then then unselfish thing to do is to want to make them happy. And the children would be better off visiting two healthy household than one loveless one where one parent wants to be there and the other one doesn't.

Answer 7

Look I am the other person right now in my marriage. Move on! Let them go because all you will do if you keep trying is make more problems. Talk civilly. Speak the truth always and accept the things you can not change.

Answer 8

once you married her, you entered right into a settlement. Your vows which you gave & won should not be taken gently. There are some substantial subjects & extra advantageous than what you have printed to us. i do no longer could desire to comprehend what those are, yet i will wager which you the two have something else on your lives it is coming between you & your spouse. the different person/each physique is merely a symptom of the actual subject. i urge you, on the grounds which you are the only that needs to artwork it out, to bypass in the process the affection Dare e book. I did it presently once I married & it is magnificent how lots you are able to incredibly be taught what love fairly is & see the variations. provider to the different person & sacrifice for them is the excellent thank you to tutor which you adore them & which you're dedicated to artwork it out. i could like to share with you extra, yet no longer understanding the form you're able to get carry of my different suggestion, i will merely bypass away you with this : Make your spouse a precedence. take care of her as though she have been a prized possession. by skill of no skill do I recommend to handle her merely like a element, yet once you had a clean high priced automobile or boat, you would be SO shielding of it, no longer needing anybody to scratch it or dent it. you're able to safeguard it each minute of on a daily basis in case you're able to desire to. How lots extra important is your spouse? do no longer stay on the undesirable issues that are happening, yet make a call to do what's constructive to your marriage above what comes needless to say (according to possibility sitting in front of the television all day watching activities, or spending time which contain your pals on the bar - like I reported, i do no longer comprehend you properly, so i'm merely throwing out examples). with a bit of luck this facilitates, & which you are going to grant it a bypass. i would be praying for you.

Answer 9

You may have hope as you still want the marriage, however, if they are telling you there is no hope, than there probably isn't any. You can keep trying if that's what you want, but if they do not want to be in the marriage anymore, it could just push them away. Good Luck to you!

Answer 10

that's a hard question....

it takes two to make a marriage work and two to save a marriage. both people have to be willing and both people have to try their best.

i have been in your shoes, and i can only tell you how painful and hurtful it is to be in that situation.... you can try, but unless he wants to make it work, your marriage will get nowhere. it's like a wagon with no wheels, how far can it possibly go?

i can only suggest what i did... find the Lord. he will help you through your storm and never let you go. pray for your husband and the reconciliation of your family. don't loose faith.... maybe God, will return your husband to you or maybe he has a different plan.... i don't know, but i do know that he is the only one that can help with the pain.

i will pray for for your marriage and your family.

Answer 11

beba -

Don't beat a dead horse.

If you continue to push your feelings on a person who does not want you it will only make matters worse. You will look needy and desperate. Having him see you in this light would be detrimental to you. If there is hope, give him his space and let him come to realize this for himself.

edit: He sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and you, beba, are playing right into his hands. If he does not want to be with you anymore, stop sleeping with him.